Clown City
Sunday 2nd February
Noir Clown Detective Agency

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Noir Clown sits at his desk smoking an oversized cigar, the type that doesn’t need to warn you about the dangers of cancer. It tells you.

The large white glove on his hands pulls it away as he sips on his whisky through a crazy straw, the alcohol flowing around the bends makes the sound of a slide whistle.

A knock comes at his door. “It’s open!” he yells.

The top half of the door slides open while the bottom half remains, courtesy of Saw-o Clown after a particularly botched case.

A beautiful clown, with legs up to her ears steps over the bottom half, thank God Clown she had those long legs. Short Legs Clown would have been at it for days.

“Detective?” She asks, her words soft like the touch of a novelty oversized glove against his powdered cheek. “I need your help.”

“Well, of course.” Noir Clown replies, “Miss?”

“Clown.” She hesitates as she takes a seat. “Damsel Clown.”

The whoopie cushion letting out a drawn out fart as she sits down fills the room with air, but the air gets sucked out of Noir Clown as he gawps at her face. A sad, beautiful face.

“A-woo-ga!” Noir Clown pounds the desk, his eyes jumping out of his skull and bouncing around on springs. With a clearing of his throat, he puts his eyes back in his head. “Respectfully, ma’am.”

“Thank you.” She replies tearfully before breaking down sobbing into her gloves.

“Oh my!” Noir Clown takes a handkerchief out of his pocket. And another. And another. And so on until he hands the chain of them over to Damsel Clown. “My apologies, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

She sniffles up, “You didn’t.” and blows her nose into the fabric.

HOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!

She wipes her face and hands the handkerchief back. Noir Clown pinches it and hangs it high, the cloth dripping wet he lets out a single laugh.

“Ha!” He hands a red ball back to her, “Gotcha nose.”

She takes it back and places it on her face with a sigh. “How embarrassing.”


“Happens to me all the time.” Noir Detective waves her off as he goes back to his football sized cigar, “Now, what can I do for you?”

“It’s my husband…” She chokes on the words. “He…”

“Take your time, ma’am.” He goes to sip on his drink, the crazy straw missing his mouth several times.

“He… He’s been creampieing another woman!”

Noir Clown’s bowtie spins around until he slaps a hand on it.


“That’s a serious accusation, you have proof of this?” He leans in, his clown loafers making a slight squeak as he does.

“He came home last night with whipped cream on his neck ruffles.” She waves a hand down her face slowly and her makeup switches from sad clown to betrayed clown.

“I see.” He replies as he puts on his glasses. “What’s your husband’s name?”

“Adultery Clown.” She shakes her head.

“So, I assume you want me to catch him in the act?”

“Yes, please.” She reaches into her purse and pulls out several bowling pins and rests them on the table before pulling out a cannonball, a coat rack and finally her purse. “I can pay you well.”

She opens her purse and several dozen fake snakes shoot out but Noir Clown holds up a hand.

“We’ll discuss pay afterwards, ma’am, for now you get some rest and let me handle things.”

And as he does.

He is shocked, a loud buzz sounds off as he is static in the air, his skeleton flashing.

Once the electrocution is through, he slumps on the ground.

“HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOooooo!” A smug and distinctly German laugh rings out as Schadenfreude Clown pulls back his hand revealing the comedic buzzer as he slinks from behind Damsel Clown. “How amusing!”

He walks around the room, SMUGLY! Looking down at the detective.

“Vell, it appears you have been made a fool of in front of this woman you ver trying to impress! How embarrassing for you!” He chuckles. “Maybe the detective vill now be unable to help with you getting cucked by your husband! How saaaaaad! Oh the misery in this awful town is just unending, ja?”

He steps on and over Noir Clown.


And heads to the open window, and before he leaves, he tips his hat.

“Vell it’s been fun! But I have some developmental talent to embarrass! Auf wiedersehen!!!!!!" He sings out before laughing and jumping out the window.

Flying down the side of the 10000-story building he looks to you! The audience!

“Hallo, Herr Oz! Imagine being so insecure the only vay of clinging to relevancy is to force yourself on half ze show!”

“Quite embarrassing if you ask me!”

“Especially for a so-called “vrestler” who has had SOOOOoooo many years in the XWF to achieve… Vat exactly?”

“Oh, that is right, basically nothing.”

“Maybe YOU should be the one wearing ze clown makeup, ja?”

“Since your entire career is a poorly structured joke of reinventing yourself only to fail at every hurdle.”

“Vat a sad, sad life. I could cry!”

“You set out to prove something and couldn’t even beat ze drei people you ver put up against last time! And now you try again, yet, you vill only meet a brick vall! I am the proverbial anvil dropping on your head to instil reality into your thick noggin'.”

"To have your pitiful moment ruined again, hmmm, how delectable!"

“You are like the detective here. Set up to play ze main role, to be ze star, only for someone more talented to side-line you."

"Or like ze damsel, getting cucked by the competition, hm?"

“Alas, no matter vat great joke I create.”

He smiles wickedly.

“You! Are ze best punchline!”