Clown City
7pm CST (Clown Standard Time)
New Clownsterdam Theatre

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As the clowns take their seats, decked out in their finest bowties and ruffles, murmurs and honks spill out over the crowd.

In the balcony, a wealthy debutante places those fancy binoculars over her eyes and to no surprise, two black circles around her eyes.

“Ha, classic.” Says Appreciates-the-Classics Clown as he folds his arms and slowly shakes his head with a chuckle.

“YE-HAAAAAWTT DAAAAAWGGG!!!” Cries out Food Cart Clown making his way down the aisle, “GETCHA HAWT DAAAAAAAAAAAAWWGS!!!”

He hurls a hot dog over the crowd and an attendee catches it like a pro! Another clown in a baseball outfit slides at his feet as the hot dog lands in his palm and Umpire Clown throws out his arms, “SAFE!”

In the player’s box, Coach Clown throws down his little bowler hat and begins stamping down on it, outraged about the decision.

The lights dim over the attendees and their tomfoolery as a spotlight hits the stage showing a brick wall and a microphone stand. A clown in an ill-fitting suit and large hair enters to a polite applause. He grabs the mic and moves the stand behind, “Wow what a crowd! Hey, how are we all doing tonight? We doing good?”

The crowd doesn’t reply, instead sitting in the moment appreciating his work like it’s the opera.

“Hey, I gotta tell ya!” The clown loosens his collar as he scans the crowd, “I’m a little nervous in front of such a beautiful audience, I ain't a good looking clown! Last Clown-o-ween I opened up my front door, kids gave me candy!”

The audience applauds. Nodding along appreciating the classics, not as much as Appreciates-the-Classics Clown, he’s doubling down appreciating them.

“I went and got my clown horn serviced, needed a tune-up! He handed me back a fog horn, what I tell ya!”

He shakes his head and messes with his collar again, the audience pondering his poetry.

“I met Vampire Clown the other day, scared him away because he could smell garlic, I didn’t have any, just opened my mouth!”

Applause once more.

“I get no respect! No respect-”

The words drift into silence as we go to the bowels of the theatre; a lone clown in a half-mask stands before an array of horns of different sizes and honks them maniacally before spinning his cape around and turning dramatically baring fangs!

Which fall out with the sound of a slide whistle.

“BLEH!” He lets out, “I vant to zucc your blood!”

A clown in a director’s chair places his hand on his chin and squints before tilting his head to PA Clown, “I don’t know… I really think we should go with Acts-Like-a-Mosquito Clown instead.”

PA Clown nods checking off a box on her notepad labelled “Make a silly joke”

“VAT!?” Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown lets out, outraged! “But vor your vampire play, I vould be perfect!”

“Listen, kid.” Director Clown directs, “You’ve got the look sure, but you can’t act for shit. You ain’t got no talent!”

“I have talent!” Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown insists, “I vill have you know I have been researching ze most famous vampyres known to man!”

He begins to list them, his finger hitting the palm of his hand.

“Edvard Cullen!”

“The chick from Underworld!”

“Was she a vampire?” Director Clown asks PA Clown who nods again checking a note on her pad labelled “Don’t know, didn’t watch them.” As Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown continues.

“Kristoffer Arroyo!”

“Okay!” Director Clown puts up a palm, “That last one is made up!”

“NO!” ALV Clown insists. “He’s super cool!”

“Oh yeah?” Director Clown scoffs, “As cool as Blade? I think not!”

PA Clown checks another box labelled “No one is as cool as Blade.”

“VAY COOLER!” ALV Clown doubles down, brushing back his giant clown wig in the shape of a widow’s peak, “Arroyo actually pays his taxes!”

“You don’t know that.” Says IRS Clown, IRSing the building, “Also did you guys get permission to be in this part of the theatre? There’s literally a show happening on the stage above us.”

All the clowns beneath look up as a muffled joke comes, “My wife hates me, she put spot remover on my clothes and now none of them have polka dots! I’m walking around in all white looking like the Michelin Man with more rolls!” The audience moves into a standing ovation, the heavy sound of roses belting the stage sounds like comically oversized rain above them.

“Anyvay!” ALV Clown says forcing everyone to continue this bit, “Arroyo is who I structured myself on. I am sexy and cool and when I bite people I make it super veird!”

“Weird how?”

“Like I’m committing sexual assault!”

“That’s not weird.” Director Clown states, “That’s a crime.”

“Noooooo!” ALV Clown furrows his brow thinking hard, “Noooooo. It’s cool! I’m cool”

“Can you at least turn into a bat?”

“... I can act like I’m turning into a bat!”

“HEY!” Says a clown hanging from the ceiling pointing an accusatory finger, “You stay the fuck away from my bit!”

“What are your feelings on running water?” Director Clown asks as PA Clown shows him a book on goofy vampire lore.

“Hate it! I never shower like my muse Arroyo.”

“Garlic?”

“Great on pizza.”

“Crosses?”

“I’m agnostic.”

“Sunlight?”

“I ver shades.”

“Van Helsing?”

“Terrible movie, Hugh Jackman was a bad choice.”

“You’re horrible at acting like a vampire!” Director Clown flops his hands around, “You just think it’s cool but can’t commit! That’s a capital sin for clowns!”

“I learned from ze best!” ALV Clown interjects, “Acting cool is cooler zan being cool!”

He shrugs.

Director Clown pinches the bridge of his nose, “NEXT!”

ALV Clown slumps forward, dejected, and walks away flapping his arms, the clown hanging from the ceiling seethes, “You sonuva bitch.”

Another clown enters the scene draped in black and with a ghoulish face, Director Clown lights up.

“Now this is the clown I’ve been looking for!”