X-treme Wrestling Federation - XWF War Games 2022

Sudden Death Collab

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 03:40:21 -0700

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Hu4i...T-7C0/edit

The Heist!

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 23:59:47 -0700

OOC: The Heist is a mini-RPG I made as a thank you to my team for putting up with my shitty schedule. I hope they really enjoy it, despite a few issues. Please enjoy!

Download here: https://the-chameleon.itch.io/the-heist-ned-kaye

NEW GAME +

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 23:53:35 -0700

NK gawks at his map…

”…It says I am here…”

NK scratches his head.

Behind him? A 50-foot stone door. A menacing castle.

Lightning KERAAAAAAAACKS above its highest peak…

…NK scratches his head, not facing the castle.

“I shall not be defeated by your ILLUSIONS, General BigBad!” The North Korean cries at the sky, raging fire in his heart! “I will solve this Sphinxian riddle: Locating your Hidden Castle!”

…Directly overhead, a sign says “BigBad’s Castle.”

…NK whistles!

“Here, Castle…” He pats his legs like he’s calling a pet. “C’mere, Castle! Perhaps I have a treat! It’s… whatever castles like… Um… Bricks!”

***

MEANWHILE…

After defeating the giant, the Blue Tango felt that he could take on anything! It took a valiant effort and a lot of somersault dodges, but he managed to put enough arrows in the beast to take it down!

Tango finally reaches Mt. Final Boss and the only thing that separates him from the peak is a bridge crossing over a giant ravine. The bridge seems old but sturdy enough. A wall of fog blocks the view half-way across and looks very unnatural… He passes through and after a couple of steps comes out the other side. Behind him now is the wall of fog and apparently no way to return!

He takes a gulp and looks ahead, a little relieved now that he can at least see the other side and the path up to the peak. It isn't long when he hears a giant whooshing sound above his head. A shadow passes above and circles around before a beast crashes down in front of him shaking the ground beneath him!

"Holy guacamole!"

The dragon screeches, ignites the ground on fire, then charges across the bridge towards Tango who starts somersaulting away from the beast, but gets caught! The dragon was too quick and stomped down crushing Tango under its claw!

"AWWWWCCCKCCKCKKCCCK!!!!!" Tango exclaims.

Taking in a deep breath, the dragon exhales and blasts Tango with a fiery inferno that quickly burns him down to nothing but ash. He didn't even have a moment to scream.

Tango wakes up by the bonfire just down the path from the bridge.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

A little delayed, but there it is. He feels around his body, then realizes he's already been vaporized and is back at the rest site.

As he sits by himself, looking up at the peak of Mt. Final Boss where supposedly his team should be waiting for him, he thinks about War Games. Not so much about the Warmasters now… Maybe it's the leveling up he's been doing, but he feels that he could take on the world right now…. With the Warmasters hardly making the cut for a challenge.

"When I first saw the card, the ORIGINAL card… I thought… Dang… Good thing I drafted the best team, because I think we might have the toughest match-up at the start of this thing! This is before the Warmasters went limp and never recovered. They're so lost within themselves and will fall apart the second they hit the ring. On the other hand, I have so much confidence in my team! There's nothing stopping us… Not a single team or person is matching our intensity, including the NEW XWF Universal Champion, Raion Kido…"

"I can't not give him credit. I said before that he did the impossible… So, yeah, kudos to him. New day, different game, though. Regardless of his new jewelry, just as I suffer from it, his past will always haunt him. Just the other day he was losing Television Title matches and blowing other chances along the way. Why he went first overall is a mystery in its own, but looking at the captain it all makes sense. Jenny hardly ever knows what's going on outside of that scrambled egg brain of hers. I was afraid to say it before, but it looks like this title has already gone to Kido's head. This entire thing was to be dedicated to team work, yet he's seen at some zoo playing with bears? What kind of team building is that, bruh?? He's totally gonna let Angie down and that's lame"

Tango thinks about how he would've drafted Angie Vaughn, too, if he could, cause she's cool.

Angie Vaughn's pretty cool… A lot cooler than PETER Vaughn. I'll have to let her know that she can totally use inVAUGHNCIBLE because it's meaningless to me now. Peter Vaughn is so not THAT… She can have it! She should wait until AFTER War Games, though… Only because she's not going to look too inVaughncible when she's another that can't close the deal… And with no help from Kido, it's inevitable."

"In the other corner, because of how bad Sudden Death is, I'm expecting to see Mercy in the final match. Not because of her skill, thirst to kill, or Dyson on her shoulder… but because Sudden Death stands zero chance to make it out. So, what does that give us… Mercy versus Kido and maybe Vaughn…. Against the entirety of my team. I'm not sold a hundo on this, but I would say that these odds are stacked extremely in our favor."

Not wanting to waste more time, Tango takes to his feet and reluctantly walks back towards the bridge.

"UGH… What am I supposed to do?!"

Standing just feet away from him is a glowing statue that has a mystical hum coming from it. He approaches and acknowledges it the same he does a bonfire when suddenly he feels and sensation come over him. His vision fades and his mind fills with distorted visions of Game_Girl. Becoming dizzy, he stumbles background and falls onto the ground. What's come over me?!, he thinks, and lies sulking until he's struck at his abdomen by something!

"EEK!!"

His eyes shoot open and the blurry vision of a blue haired heroine stands over him.

"Get up, Tango!"

Tango wraps his arms around his stomach and gasps for air!

"GG?! How?! Where?! WHAT?!"

"That was a Summon Statue…"

He looks confused over at the statue then back to Game_Girl.

"Don't worry about it right now… Why would you choose this way to Mt. Final Boss, anyway? There's a dragon on this bridge."

Tango holds his arms out, asking without words how he would have possibly known that.

"Forget it. Come on."

GG waves Tango along and the two of them start across the bridge and pass through the fog.

"You ready?"

"Heh, no? This thing killed me in two hits last time."

"Well, that's your problem!"

GG smiles and pats Tango on the shoulder.

"You're not supposed to get hit!"

The dragon appears already at the other end of the bridge... waiting.

"Let's do this!"

The two heroes hunker down and wait for rhe beast to rake its first move! The monster breathes fire into the air and stomps towards them! Tango somersaults out of the way, while GG leaps high into the air and lands a punch square between the dragon's eyes! Tango plants himself and readies and arrow.

The beast's balance quickly returns and it snaps back with its powerful jaw. GG leaps high into the air again avoiding being chomped and comes down with a powerful icy fist! She flips back again and lands on her feet as the beast wails in agony! With a perfect chance, GG yells over to Tango!

"SHOOT IT!!"

Tango shakes his awe and quickly pulls back his arrow. Taking perfect aim on the eye of the dragon, he fires!

BACK ON MT. FINAL BOSS…

NK twirls his mustache.

He stares off into the distance, muttering…

“Castle… CASS…UHL… Ca…SUHL… Cast-EL?...”

Behind NK, Blue Tango somersaults up the trail.

As he rolls center-stage, immediately, he spots the sign: ‘BigBad’S CASTLE’.

“Neat!”

Suddenly, Tango notices NK, standing on the cliff’s edge.

“Whoa, dude!”

Tango runs up, pulling NK back, still mid-self-hypnosis

“Don’t jump! You’ll wreck your K/D ratio, bruh!”

NK turns toward this interloper! Immediately, his eyes widen and he backward-rolls into a fighting stance!

“Whoa! Sup?”

“Well!” NK raises his fist menacingly! “Blue Tango! American hero!”

Tango isn’t sure what’s happening, but he assumes the stance he learned from the 24-hours-to-Blue-Belt seminar he audited once.

“I ascertain Comrade Game_Girl summoned you… To battle this… General BigBad?”

“You ascer… ASS-SERT… Yeah, dude, yes. Correct.”

“Then… in this fight, we are allies.”

Tango smiles, dropping his combat stance.

“BUT KNOW THIS, TANGO!”

Tango immediately re-raises his dukes! Apparently they’re not done.

“While our causes may align today… tomorrow, we resume being foes! For while America stands, the True Korean people suffer its RAVENOUS APPETITE. Every spasm, every atom, every CELL IN MY BODY! SHALL BE DEVOTED TO FOILING YOUR NATION! FOR I A-”

“Quick question?”

NK is flummoxed by Tango’s interruption.

“...Proceed?”

“That a mustache?”

…NK wriggles his lip self-consciously.

“...Yes. It’s… new.”

“Looks good on you, bruh.”

…

NK walks forward. Tango keeps his fists raised, but like… what’s happening?!?

NK steps in and… Embraces Tango.

…After a bit, Tango pats the War Criminal’s back. [b]“...Uh, okay.”

NK releases Tango.

“You’ve won my loyalty this day, Tango. I will fight by your side until our dying days.”

“...Doooooooooope.” Tango grimaces, backing a couple steps up. “Well, we’re here... but whe-”

Driving straight up the mountain.

A 30-foot stretch limousine.

With FOUR Dominican flags waving atop it.

It whips up the mountainside…

FSSSSSSSHHHHHH, automated backseat opens.

“Oh daaaang, it’s… some kinda robot!”

“An obscenely wealthy robot! Cast away your riches! Join the labourer’s fight against the Capitalist Machine, you… Capitalist… Machine!”

“What are you talking about, cabron?”

Tango’s eyes open wide.

“…Carnes?”

“In the flesh, esse! Or… however this virtual world works, I still don’t get it…”

“...How the AITCH did you get that armor?”

“Same way I get everything, Tango…”

Carnes reaches into the limo’s backseat… Tango and NK peek over his shoulder curiously. Immediately, Tango and NK raise their arms as Carnes whips the BFG-9000 on them.

“Money. And Power.”

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang.” Tango exhales. NK puckers his bottom-lip, irritated at capitalistic inequality… Also very jealous.

“You wouldn’t happen to have a… better bow-and-arrow, wouldja? Mine does okay… Kinda gives me splinters, though.”

Carnes chuckles. He pops the trunk open.

“I have something BETTER than a non-splinter-inducing bow-and-arrow, Señor Tango…”

…As Tango approaches… his face is awash in golden light.

“SHE-YEEEEEEEEAH, DUDE!” Tango cheers, immediately dropping his starter armor… Now in his birthday suit.

NK blushes, covering his eyes. Carnes wonders how one can be this white medically. Tango leaps into the trunk…

After a few seconds, he steps out.

“ Whaddya think?”

NK peeks through his fingers… And gasps!

“Comrade Tango! You look… Battle-Ready!”

“Of course, Señor Criminal. That armor was smithed by Narfinex’s finest dwarves. For what I paid, it better be battle-ready.”

NK’s lip puckers, feeling very underdressed.

Tango reads the Korean’s pouting face and elbows Carnes. “Uh… Course, you brought the COOLEST thing for NK. Right Carnes?”

NK’s ears perk curiously. Carnes looks perplexed.

“...OH, sí! Of cooooourse!”

NK’s face lights up.

“…Venga, venga… Aha!”

“...A… plant?”

“Not any plant, pendejo. A FIRE FLOWER! Manufactured by Combat Botanists! Very expensive.”

NK gasps. “A glorious weapon. I’ll treasure it!”

He gently strokes the flower… As he does, it melts into his hand…

His overalls whiten! Hands enflamed!

“AHHHHHHHHH! PYROMANCY COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS!”

“Whoa! Cool find, Carnes!”

Carnes nods, pretending he knew that’d happen.

“So, now, we just need…”

Suddenly, a yellow cloud bursts straight towards the castle!

Carnes points the BFG at the incoming cloud! Tango reels a Tango-rang over his shoulder, ready for tossing! NK launches fire from his hand!

The Cloud stops just above the heroes!

…

Someone hops down!

Game_Girl!

“Yooooooooooooooo”

“Comrade Game_Girl!”

“Chica de Partido!”

Game_Girl looks… pained. She stares down at her feet.

“…So. Okay. You’re probably mad about getting dragged here.”

The three pause and lower their weapons.

“Maybe you don’t want to save this world… Maybe you think it isn’t real. But… I ho-”[/color]

“Hey.”

Game_Girl looks up at the three heroes she chose. Tango nods.

“We’re ready. Let’s do this.”

“No need to pitch us the mission, Comrade GameGirl! We are prepared to fight alongside you!”

“I’m making $3.2 million dollars an hour from owning shops here, this place BETTER be real.”

…Game_Girl smiles.

[orange]“Thanks, guys. I guess we skip the ‘rally the troops’ speech, too?”

“Yeah, let’s just fast-forward to Hanari giving you something badass.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me.”

Game_Girl’s cloak drops off her arm. Revealing her RADICAL ROBOT ARM.

“I’m already powered up…”

“Excellent!” NK cheers, pumping his fist, (accidentally firing two fireballs down the mountain). “Now, only one item remains.”

The other three heroes look at the North Korean in anticipation.

“...HOW… do we find… The Castle?”

…Game_Girl looks at Tango, pointing past the Korean to the castledoor. Tango shrugs.

NK draws lines on his map. “Now, if we split the region into four quadrants… We’ll quickly eliminate unlikely locations… Comrade Tango takes North-East…”

As War Criminal diagrams, Game_Girl advances past him, entering the castle door… Tango quickly follows… As does Carnes, the BFG over his shoulder.

“And there!” NK says, finishing his design.

He looks up… Everyone’s gone.

“Comrades?”

He turns around… His eyes spot the castle door. His jaw drops.

“...COMRADES!”

…

“I FOUND IT!”

*******

The heroes enter the sanctum…

“All my toil… My struggle… My strife…”

Tango, GG and Carnes dip low and sneak quietly through the pillared entryway of the castle.

In the center of the stronghold… Bathed in blue light…

Is the MacGuffin…

And cradling it. Seven-foot tall. In obsidian black armor.

General BigBad.

Tango, GG and Carnes creep stealthily, hiding behind an overturned pillar, peeking carefully.

“Finally… I’ll rule this world. I AM INVINCIBLE!”

Tango side-eyes GG.

“That’s bad, right? Like, we were trying to STOP this hombre from getting the MacGuffin.”

Game_Girl sighs. “It’s… not great. But, maybe he doesn’t know how it works yet… Plus! We have the element of surprise!”

“DIE MONSTER! YOU DON’T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!”

The heroes peek back over the pillar. And standing against General BigBad, fire dancing in his fingertips…

NKWC.

“…A foolish hero… Summoned to stop me, yes?”

NK scoffs.

“‘Hero’ is a problematic term. But, Glorious Leader willing, I WILL stop you.”

“Feh.” With a simple finger twitch, a bolt of electricity rips from BigBad’s Silver Gauntlet! War Criminal bares his teeth, crossing his arms defensively…

…

SRRRRRRRRRRGE!

…The electricity…

Is absorbed…

Into Game_Girl’s metallic arm.

…Also, Tango somersaults beside them.

BigBad laughs.

“Ah… so, you’re here. I thought after I took your arm, you’d know better than to oppose me.”

General BigBad drops his hood, revealing the scarred face of Game Boy! A twisted anger on his face fuses with a corrupt smile.

“Perhaps this time I’ll take more than just your arm.”

“You’re outnumbered. Let’s make this quick and just give up, GB.”

“Don’t call me that! This team? Means nothing. I’ve already won. With the MacGuffin in my possession…”

Fssssssssshhhh-beep-beep-beep-beeeeeeeeeeep.

Tango perks curiously… “What’s that sound?”

“I. AM. INVINCIB-”

BRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH! A FIERY EXPLOSION CONSUMES BigBad!

“Thought that pendejo would never shut up…”

Tango, GG and NK glance up. On the alcove above, Hanari’s crouched with his BFG. He salutes.

Tango peers through the smoke.

He snaps his fingers, grinning. “Nooooooice shot, Carnes! Ca-AAAAAKEWALK!”

“Wait, Tango… The Final Boss always has a second phase.”

Suddenly…

INVINCIBILITY MODE ACTIVATED…

“...Oh…”

UNLIMITED AMMO ACTIVATED

“RUN!”

LIGHTNING STRIKES IN ALL DIRECTIONS!

Calypso narrowly somersaults, lightning exploding above him! Game_Girl absorbs three more lightning bolts into her arm, driven back from sheer force! NK takes a bolt through the torso… He loses his white overalls, shrinking to half-height!

“EGADS!” NK cries, squeakily. “I’m Jim Caedus-sized!”

Carnes lines up another shot… Lightning explodes around his sniper’s nest… He ducks behind cover…

Calypso somersaults around the arena, dodging bolt-after-bolt. As he rolls, he reels back and lets a fistful of Tango-rangs fly!

They SOAR… ALL FIVE CATCH BigBad IN THE FACE!

…No damage…

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” BigBad cackles, twirling and firing lightning.

“Dude…” Calypso mutters as he somersault-dodges…

Game_Girl dips behind a fallen pillar!

BigBad rotates, firing both lightning-hands at Carnes… Carnes’ post shakes! It could fall at any minute!

Game_Girl sees an opening!

She stands… And unleashes the lightning absorbed in her metal arm!

Bolts erupt! THE LIGHTNING BLASTS BigBad!

…

He is unaffected! He laughs and spins, firing lighting in all directions.

A miniature NK tiny-leg-sprints behind the pillar. GG drops a mushroom from her pocket. NK dives atop it… Quickly returning to normal size.

”Much better.”

Calypso somersault-dives behind the pillar as well.

“Okay… Regroup time. What’s the plan?”

“Dunno!” Game_Girl shouts back. “I didn’t think when he said the MacGuffin would make him invincible, he’d literally enable invincibility!”

“Sucks… Ok! How do we beat him?”

“We can’t! He’s invincible! his hit points won’t DROP, let alone hit zero! It’s impossible!”

…NK gasps!

“Like pushing a pull-door…”

“...What?”

“Comrades! Listen! This is IMPOSSIBLE!”

“...Yeah, NK. GameGirl said that.”

“No, Comrade Tango! Reducing BigBad’s hit points to zero is IMPOSSIBLE! It WON’T happen. Like Mark Flynn taught me… You can’t push open a pull-door.”

“...War Criminal’s lost it.”

“Wait, I get what he’s saying, bruh. We have to shift our thinkspace… Like, we can’t reduce his hitpoints… but could we… I dunno… INCREASE his hit points…”

Game_Girl’s eyebrow raises… “Like… heal him?”

“…Maybe? What would that do?”

Game_Girl ponders that. “…Maybe nothing… Or it might exceed his hitpoint capacity, until it exceeds an integer’s range? That would error out his character…”

“Oh snap! That might work?”

GG shrugs. “I mean, beats what we’re doing now!”

“Then, let’s go, Comrades! LET’S PULL THIS DOOR!”

***

Carnes’ nest… in ruins beneath him.

“Es no good. Anymore and I’m toast…”

Underneath him, lightning crackles… A thunderstorm-a-brewing!

“NOW!”

Game_Girl flips a switch on her arm… The light flips red to green… AND HOLY LIGHTNING FLOWS!

The light connects with BigBad… And dents in his armor fill…

“…What’s this? Surrender? Think if you heal me, I’ll show mercy? TOO LATE FOR THAT…”

BigBad UNLEASHES LIGHTNING… Game_Girl dives behind cover as energy explodes above her!

Meanwhile, NK, holding a penguin, has grab-dropped-grabbed to glitch-wall-climb to the ceiling…

The True Korean dangles over BigBad like a spider.

“NOW!”

NK empties his pockets… Unveiling 99 1-UPs. He hucks them down like Ninja Stars…

One-by-one, BigBad’s body absorbs them… His armor grows more twisted and gnarled…

Tango runs up beside Carnes’ firing nest!

“New plan! HEAL BigBad.”

“Que?”

“Now!”

Carnes shrugs… He retrieves from his pack, a medic gun…

As BigBad turns onto NK, Carnes lifts the healing gun’s barrel and fires a heaping helping of plasma straight onto BigBad…

“Heheh…. Heh… What’s… Happening…” BigBad collapses onto one knee.

“DON’T STOP!”

NK digs deeper, dumping all the 1-UPs he has…

Game_Girl unleashes all the healing energy her arm can supply.

Hanari reloads a plasma pack… DROWNING BigBad in health!

Tango!

…

Okay, Tango ran out of flasks after the dragon. He’s mostly trying to heal BigBad with positive affirmations!

“You’re a great guy, Bruh! People, like, treasure your company!”

BigBad lethergically twists to fire more lightning… But… He gets slower…

NK drops his last 1-UP…

Game_Girl’s arm-charge hits empty…

Hanari checks for another health pack… “No más!”

As their healing item supply depletes…

…

…Nothing happens…

“...Hahahaha… YOU FOOLS! ALL THAT FOR NAUGHT! HAHAHAHAHA!”[/color]

From NK’s penguin’s hands… one last 1-UP… drops…

[white]“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Onto BigBad…

“HAHA-oof.”

ERROR: LimitExceededException: BIG_BAD_HEALTH > INTEGER.MAX_VALUE. DELETING OBJECT: BIG_BAD

At-once, BigBad poofs out of existence.

***

"Is he dead?"

Tango peeks around a pillar. GameGirl walks out from cover and examines the area.

"I don't think so?"

“Huzzah! A glorious victory, comrades!…Though, a PEDANT may argue the battle was… anticlimactic?”

"Something isn't right…"

GameGirl doesn't trust the situation at all. Then Hanari notices something shiny lying on the ground near where General BigBad met his end.

"Aqui, amigos! Is this the MacGuffin you speak of?!"

The party surrounds the MacGuffin.

"THAT'S the MacGuffin?"

"Mmhhmm."

"Huh. I guess I expected it to be a little… more mystical?"

"Well, this is it. The most sought-out, priceless treasure in all the land…"

NK interrupts and moves closer to stand over the MacGuffin in amazement.

"Glorious Leader! An exquisite, exotic device… This would astound the North-Korean people!"

GG picks up the MacGuffin and the party all lean in to take a closer look.

"So, what do we do with it?"

"BigBad's not dead, guys. I think he glitched out."

"Glitched out?!"

"We're gotta reboot… Do all this again…."

"BRUH! THERE'S NO WAY"

NK is still fascinated by the MacGuffin and admires it within GG's grasp.

“It gleams as brightly as the silvery mountaintops of Pyongyang! And its plastic material reminds me of the landfills where local children played in my youth…”

"It's the ONLY way. You know when your game freezes? It's kind of like that."

"We lose all our progress?"

"No! That's why we have THIS!"

"You're losing me…"

"Look… We'll use the MacGuffin to start the game over, except you'll have all your abilities and skills that you gained up to this point. Just speedrun through everything you did to get to Mt. Final Boss, come back here and kick BigBad's butt! It's like a New Game Plus!!"

"Are you sure this is going to work?"

"No, but it's our only chance… You guys ready??"

The party all come closer and place a hand on the MacGuffin. It begins to glow and the light begins climbing up each of their arms.

"Something’s happening here, amigos…"

Hanari points out from inside his helmet.

"Ugh… Anyone else feel sick?"

“Not I! As a True-Korean, I am the epitomeeeee of physicaaaaaaaaal… heaaaaaaalth… ooooooooh, tummyaaaaaache…”

GG closes her eyes and focuses and in a blink the world goes blank.

Each party member goes back to the beginning of their journey.

Hanari comes-to in his office, still suited up in the Masterchief armor. He aims his BFG at a wall, blasts a hole, and jumps out into the world. He considers going back to buy up the rest of the town, but decides against it, the housing market here is too unstable, as evidenced by him collapsing the local economy in 24 hours. He uses his booster pack to take giant leaps on the ground and up the mountain to be the second to reach the peak.

Tango appears in the cave with his full suit of Tango-Rogue armor.

Tango notices the stranger from before, grabs him around the collar of his hood, and punches him! He runs out of the cave and as soon as he emerges, a killer-buzzsaw mosquito swarms around him… He grabs it out of mid-air and rips it in half. He somersaults along, ignoring the path, and mows through all enemies to the base of the mountain. He crosses the bridge and passes through the fog. He somersaults over to where the dragon would land and waits. As the beast goes to land, Tango loads an explosive bolt into his forearm equipped crossbow and fires!!! The explosion leaves behind nothing but dragon dust!. Tango kicks the dirt left by the beast and takes the easy path the rest of the way to the peak.

From stage left, the War Criminal enters.

Stage right? Marp walks.

“Marp.”

“Comrade Marp.” NK sighs nostalgically, as if their first encounter was a lifetime ago, not earlier today… “The circle is complete. When I left you, I was but the learner… Now, I am the master!”

“Marp.”

NK spins 180 degrees, crouches down, bending his knees.

“WIWIWIWIWIWIWIWIWITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

NK backwards-long-jumps, zooming through space-time! Bouncing off the top of Marp’s head, vaporizing the poor armless creature into jelly.

The bounce sends NK ascending above the flagpole, beyond the castle!

The toads wait at the level’s end, not noticing the True-Korean zooming above their heads.

“Do you think the Hero will arrive soon?”

“Patience! The level just started!”

Meanwhile, NK backwards-long-jumps straight up Cool, Cool Mountain…

Straight through the slush, up the staircase, onto the path to Mount Final Boss!

Game_Girl uses her rocket punch to blast a hole straight through the mountain and exposes General BigBad once again bathed in blue light, the MacGuffin… Nowhere to be seen.

“Finally… I will rule this worl-”

ALL FOUR HEROES LEAP INTO A…

FRAME-PERFECT-CUTSCENE-SKIPPING-SUPERTEAM-MEGAPUNCH…

And with that… The Day is Saved.

***

"Hell yeah. I bought the biggest gun, the best ammo, the toughest defenses, because I am smarter than your average hombre. I know how to get ahead in this world. Most importantly, I know how to survive. That is not something I can say about the other teams here. Nobody gives us any credit, because the XWF is filled with massive egos and a severe lack of creativity. Everyone’s in it for themselves! Now, normally, I would be in that same boat, but I know how important it is to be successful. How much winning an event like this means, and if I have to swallow my pride to get the job done, you’re damn right I will!

This WarGames will be historic because we will put out a performance like none other. After I make Mastermind squeal, I will systematically destroy everyone in my path! It shouldn't even be that hard, just ask Peter Vaughn. He may be the only one on this roster more full of himself than Thaddeus, but with much worse delivery. Like a disinterested Robot.

"You're bad for these reasons."

"Correct, I am bad for these reasons."

Almost as boring as your wrestling.

Stop telling us, big guy, and show us for once. Carry your team to the finish line, because lord knows you're their only hope (I mean, you basically said your team blows donkey cock), and smash that egg on all of our faces. Rub it in. Is the Supercontinental Belt made for overzealous blowhards? Thaddeus Duke, Corey Smith, now you? The pretentious jock, the ambiguous pretty boy, and ...the.....automechanic-turned-wrestler? Or was it janitor? Or maybe middle-aged father whose children can't stand him so he pursues a hobby between binge-drinking? I know one thing he’s NOT: War Games survivor. Is there a worse Vaughn than Peter?

“Angelica Vaughn. THE most-overrated XWF superstar EVER! She receives opportunities despite constantly underwhelming! She received a title shot against Captin Corey Smith! What would have been Corey Smith’s swansong! And Vaughn didn’t even LOSE! She OPTED to NOT SHOW UP! Something only Angelica Vaughn and Tommy Wish have done!!”

“…At least Tommy Wish had the decency to be humiliated when I mentioned his embarrassing cowardice, ambushing me post-match. Angelica Vaughn? Mark Flynn and I bombarded her with mockery for her gutlessness in the Leap of Faith match. And she was SILENT! To this day, she refuses to apologize.”

“And WHY did she no-show against Corey Smith? She is SELFISH. She couldn’t share spotlight with one more talented! Angelica Vaughn thought about a MODICUM of attention going to her opponent and thought ‘...I’ll skip this week.’”

“Did Jenny Myst think she chose a TEAM PLAYER? HAHAHAHA. Angelica Vaughn will watch her teammates be STAMPEDED. Will RELISH in their defeats. Every loss on her side, only gives her more spotlight. Ravenous for attention, she will realize too late how her obsession with being seen… Puts her in the crosshairs of adversaries deadlier than she could imagine.”

“Angelica Vaughn… Almost disappointing as Raion Kido, the most-disappointing number one draft pick in WarGames history.”

“Even more disappointing than Ned Kaye’s menagerie-of-mediocrity.”

Pictured Above: Better than Notorious Alliance

“Compare Raion Kido to 2021’s number one pick. With Thaddeus Duke staring in a mirror all competition-long, Comrade Dock effectively became the team captain. D’Ville carried the SHIT team Thaddeus Duke drafted onto his shoulders.”

“Now… Compare Raion Kido. More comfortable being team equipment manager than team leader. His contributions have been CLOTHS and FUCKING OFF.”

“Great collaboration, Comrade Kido. You’ve definitely meshed as a unit, considering you handed them cloths, then FUCKED-OFF.”

“Ahhhh! Fine, perhaps I’m harsh. After all, Raion Kido is only XWF UNIVERSAL CHAMPION.”

“Raion Kido, you worship your fictional comic about your wondrous team of Greek Zodiac Knights.”

NK sneers, disgusted.

“Ugh… GREEEEEEEKS.”

“BUT! When on a team? …You drop-off CLOTHS. You FAIL to COMMUNICATE your ONE CHARACTER TRAIT. They think their cloths are from Power Rangers! How well do they truly know you?”

“You FAILED to connect with your team, Comrade Kido. The lack-of-chemistry is PLAINLY evident.”

“Most disappointing?” NK stomps his foot, pointing down. “THIS! Is YOUR MOMENT. Will you have other successes? Likely. But you will NEVER be Universal champion for the first time ever again.”

“THIS is your chance. To establish your reign as CHAIRMAN UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!”

…NK lifts his fists, revved! …Then they drop, disappointed.

“Instead? You’ve faded into the middle-of-the-pack.”

“Somewhere between Elijah Martin and Angelica Vaughn.”

“Relying solely on your reputation as the ‘Alias-defeater’.”

“I’ll remind you, Comrade Kido! I am TRUE-Korean! A free-thinker! And I SEE that the emperor has no clothes.”

“You didn’t EARN your 24/7 briefcase. Mark Flynn defeated Bobby Bourbon’s helicopter, then YOU FLED from combat, STEALING your ill-gotten briefcase.”

“Similarly, you EARNED no victory against Comrade Alias. Like a vulture… you waited… Not to strike, but for vulnerability. You defeated no champion… you merely consumed a carcass.”

“You still have no major victory in singles competition. Your success in scrambles will not serve you here… Because WarGames is not one-fall-to-a-finish! IT IS A TEAM SPORT!”

“Laying in wait here, Comrade Kido?… You’ll find no opportunity.”

“You’ll only watch your teammates be SYSTEMATICALLY DISSECTED.”

“By Intercontinental-Champion, Game_Girl!”

“By APEX-defeater, Harani Carnes!”

“By TV-Champion, Captain Calypso!”

“By a man who went SIX YEARS never losing a singles match!”

“WE’ll finally prove to these hypnotized FOOLS… Comrade Kido is still a choke-artist… In matches where you must EARN your victory.”

The Nightmare Team

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 23:53:15 -0700

Greetings everyone, and thank you for tuning into ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. I’m Nischelle Turner and we are broadcasting LIVE from the occult event of the year!

Behind Nischelle is a massing group of freaks and weirdos. Some are decked out in various robes, some wear strange masks. There are even a few people who are buck naked save for being covered in what appears to be blood. Tommy Wish’s chateau has been completely upended, with any trace of furniture or normalcy stripped away and a massive stone alter erected in the main living area.

The shot pans out a bit to reveal that Madison Dyson is standing next to Nischelle.

Madison Dyson, good to see you!

Good to see you, Nischelle. Madison leans in and they do that fake kiss to each others cheeks thing that you would swear to God only appears in movies with over the top depictions of yuppies but here ya go.

So, tell us what we’ve got here.

Well Nischelle, you hit the nail on the head when you said this was the occult event of the year. My team, Viewer Desecration Advised, is conducting the first infernal golem creation in over 50 years! And we’ve invited simply EVERYONE to attend. The Master Ch’GTHON is here. The New Orleans vampire contingent. The Bavarian Bloodletters. The Pastafarians. Leonardo DiCaprio. We got ‘em all! Madison gushes.

Meanwhile, we see an astonished looking Latina Submission Machina in the background, who is standing just behind Nischelle and waving Madison Dyson down. Madison makes a not so subtle “go away!” wave, but LSM is insistent.

Excuse me, but I think my partner needs to speak with me. Terribly sorry!

No problem at all Madison. Oh, is that Chuck Woolery?

Yep! He’s one of Mammon’s most ardent followers! Just give me one sec, babe.

Madison skirts around Nischelle with a look of annoyance and approaches LSM. What?! Can’t you see I was conducting an interview?!

Madison, we never discussed all this publicity! What are you doing?!

Well excuse me! But I’m just putting our team on the map!

We still should have talked about this! LSM sighs and crosses her arms. Tommy is very upset. Somebody sacrificed a goat in his bathtub.

Well, we won’t have to worry about Tommy much longer. Once this golem is complete our team will be Tommy free and fucking unstoppable.

Yeah…right….

Oh, don’t tell me your getting cold feet! You don’t even like Tommy!

I don’t. But all the same we’re staking the success of our team on some monstrosity that's never wrestled before!

In the background, the naked cultists have surrounded Unknown Soldier, who is stripped down to his scivvies and cheering as they dump a bucket of blood over his head.

It’ll be fine, trust me!

How many disasters have started with someone saying “trust me”? First Soldier asks me to trust HIM, and now you're asking me to trust YOU: what's next, you're going to ask me to trust Mercy?!

Pish post Latina, everything will be fine. Madison spots someone over LSM’s shoulder. Oh shit, the Master Ch’GTHON needs to talk to me.

Yeah…yeah… LSM waves Madison away. Once she’s gone, the team leader turns around to survey the carnage. She shakes her head and mutters, Madre Mia!

As the dark revelry commences, we see Tommy Wish coming through the front door dragging a wet, bloody sack behind him. Soldier notices him and calls out, Tommy you got the feet?!

Meanwhile, Mercy lugs the limbless torso of David Berkoiwtz up to the alter, and she slams it down on the cement top with a sickening slapping sound. Oddly nonplussed by the horrific sight, Nischelle places a mic in front of Madison’s face.

Madison, you have been one of the most outspoken people on your team. However, there is one team you have yet to mention: The Notorious Alliance. How come…

I’m sorry, who?[pink]

The Notorious Alliance.

Madison chuckles.[pink] I’m sorry Nischelle, I hate to say it but I think you’re mistaken. There is no such team at War Games.

But….there is…?

No, no Nischelle. I mean, look, I realize we’re seriously stretching the bounds of reality in this promo series, but the notion that there is a team out there that is so insignificant, so MEANINGLESS, that they have escaped my notice is…heh, I’m sorry its just impossible.

But they are a real team, Madison.

Madison is starting to look mildly annoyed. If there was a team called The Dangerous Alliance…

Notorious Alliance.

I’d know about it, okay? Like, what are the chances of there being a collection of utterly meaningless incel level upper decker turds that are so inscrutible, so aimless, so utterly devoid of purpose that I wouldn’t even realize they exist? Yeah, there are some truly gutter tier teams this War Games, but this notion that there would be some infinitesimally useless group of wayward fuckoffs that defy my notice via their sheer insubstantiality just doesn’t make sense. I’d NOTICE, okay?!

Nischelle relents. Okay, okay!

Now lets get serious. A lot of stupid pricks have had a lot of stupid shit to say about this absolute unit of a team. But the fact is that unlike a certain two other teams in this thing, we are all present and accounted for. And we’ve been in it since the beginning.

People want to sleep on us because Mercy hasn’t been around much. But just because somebody hasn’t been a presence doesn’t mean they’re not deadly. You think Bruce Lee was a pussy in his first fight because nobody had seen him before? No, of course not. He was a badass unknown quantity who upended the world and skull fucked it. People not knowing who you are has absolutely no bearing on what one can do. And yet these collection of fucktards all seem to engage in this magical thinking that equates presence with talent. Do you people realize how dumb that sounds?

All that means is that Mercy is untested. And all of you were untested at one point. Did that mean you sucked? No, it meant you were UNTESTED. Fresh. Clean. New.

Now some of you might think that because Mercys untested she’s gonna wash out. And that might apply to someone who is capable of introspection, who is capable of the level of cognitive process that results in self doubt. Simply put, Mercy is not capable of that. Is a wolf capable of doubting itself? Does a super predator ever question its ability to get the job done? No, of course not. And it’s the very same with Mercy. Now prepare to get eaten, flesh sacks.

Oh, and by the way….Jenny? Congrats, you too have also officially earned the title of…

R
E
T
A
R
D

So, Mercy is moonlighting as me apparently? And she’s a loudmouth? Bitch, listening comprehension, DO YOU HAVE IT? Mercy and I are separate people…

WE ARE NOT THE SAME! Suddenly, Mercy is beside Madison, leaning into the mic to speak. Madison steps aside, gesturing for Mercy to take the reigns.

NonE oF yOU kNoW WhO I Am. sO lEt ME eDucAtE yOU. I dO nOt ofTEN SPEAk as It CAuSeS mE pHYsiCAl PAin…

Mercy clears her throat, pausing a moment. When she starts speaking again, its in a much more even tone of voice.

Can you imagine that? The very act of speaking causing you pain? You know, it sounds cliche to say that one’s entire life has been nothing but pain. But it’s true of me. I was beautiful once. But it was never enough. I was a model. An icon. I banked on my beauty for years. But as it goes, the beauty starts to fade. And so does the attention. I became addicted to…improving myself. But money doesn’t last forever either. And as my entire livelihood circled the drain I turned to riskier and riskier sources to sustain my beauty. Until a botched procedure turned me septic, literally turned my blood to POISON. I literally burned inside, punishment for my vanity I suppose. I lost multiple organs as the surgeons attempted to save my life, cutting out the rot until I was left a wombless husk of a woman. I wanted children once…I wanted…

She starts to drift off before returning to the present.

I wAs…I…wAS…

She clears her throat again.

I was a mother. Despite it all. I lost that too.

Her hands curl into fists.

None of you motherfuckers know suffering like I do. None of you know pain like I do. And yet you all pretend to know me. You discount me, you malign me.

Fill me up with it assholes.

Because for as much insult as you heap at my door, I assure you I have insulted myself longer and worse than you ever could. I have lived knowing that every second of agony I caused MYSELF. Thanks to my own ego and narcissism.

Did any of you know that about me?

Of course not. To do that you would have had to try. You would have had to BOTHER. But none of you did. Not that I blame you.

So I have resigned myself to this existence. Meting out punishment. Embracing ugliness, and cruetlty and pain. Because its all I know. Its all I deserve. And its all you will see out of me at War Games.

I…I’M dOnE…

Her voice once again dwindles to a rasp. Madison, looking surprised, chuckles. Hey, go get ‘em tiger. With that, they both walk off stage right.

Tommy carries out the two legs of the ladies whom he had murdered, and sent it to the alter. Tommy wasn't too pleased with doing all this, so he wanted to leave the Alter but Nischelle kept on buggin him for an interview until he gave in.

“I heard that they wanted to replace you, is that true?”

Tommy just looked at Nischelle, as he looked into a corner. “Yes, it’s true…”

“Wow, what a shocking revelation!”

Tommy looks into Nischelle’s direction, takes the mic from her.

“I have done what I need to do, and they can continue to build a monster for all I care. I kinda feel “bad” for cutting their legs off, and dumping the remains in a river. As I ponder on what’s to come within Wargames, I tend to think about what is going to come moving forward.”

She looked kinda scared at him, as he looked into her eyes with the motion of a Bateman.

“Just like me bringing up those Sudden Death crew, I know that we aren’t on the same level in terms of “star power” or even drawing marketability (minus Machina and her old masks that would fly off the shelves.), but what I do know is that we all share a common trait, and that trait is being the one to be the last team standing.”

He hands the mic back to her, in an agitated state. “So does that mean you think your team will be the ones to win it all? Or do you think–”

“NO…. but here me out on this, If I had the choice, i’d make it a REAL Wargames and have two rings, and make one of those bastards have to wave a flag to surrender or me breaking someone’s Ankle in order to achieve the victory, but atlas that's not the case. I mean, this is going to be like some Thunderdome shit, match beyond anyways from the way things are heating up between myself and the crew against Sudden Death and company.”

“Well uhm, I see on that, but I would like to know how you feel how much of an impact that Bobby Bourbon and Chris Page makes with Sudden Death with Dick and Oswald as the leader?”

Tommy then does a quick chuckle as he peeped the ritual behind her, and he looks at her with a smile on his face.

“Shit, I guess they HAD to add Bobby and Page, the two most “over” acts within the company. I know they have their share of glory, but does it even count when they have to be on the same team. Page can be an egomaniac son of a bitch who likes to put over the word YOU as if it’s a shitty catchphrase and Bobby who makes Charlies seem more sane than the rest of my team. When they have both elements in that ring, I can smell a sense of a breakdown waiting to happen within a moment's notice, and I don’t think for a second they can handle being in the same room let alone a freaking ring.

I mean, if Page and Bobby had more screen time then Dick and Oswald then I already know what time it is, because it seems to me that if they were on a short time loan just to get flatlined by us. If Page can somehow show up to Switzerland not drinking his own bubbly, or Bobby who’s more fixed on Jenny’s TV strap can stop for a second and think about this Wargames, then something good will pop off, but it’s up to them bastards to know what to do with that.”

Tommy tries to leave the altar again, but she wanted to know if he had any last words. He turns to her and tells her this.

“All I know is what I think, and I think that they aren’t up to the code to my team, and that’s not to say I have my doubts with where I stand, but all of them aren’t above it. They will have to suffer. I don’t like to say much else about it, so leave me alone!”

Tommy walks out of the Altar as the rituals are still active.

Nischelle then turns to meet Unknown Soldier as he brings up the arms of Richard Ramirez.

Unknown Soldier, a pleasure to meet you.

What kind of pleasure we talking?!

Your teammates have already said quite a bit about your opponents at War Games. What do you have to say to them?

I’m going to desecrate their corpses and suck their souls out of their busted ribcages. I’m going to turn these pussy sons of bitches into hellhound chow, and I’m not even going to break a fucking sweat doing it!

Nischelle looks taken aback, but she trucks on anyway. Um…wow. Okay. So who do you think is the biggest threat you have to face at War Games?

Jesus Christ, because he is the only one who can stop Viewer Desecration Advised from mutilating our enemies! We’re going to chop Oswald’s fucking head off, and shove it up Bobby’s asshole, then we’re going to make a OswaBourbPageducken’ by shoving Chris Page’s severed DICK into the mix! The only one who can even TRY to stop us is God himself, but if he dares to show his face I'll rip his asshole open too, and then I'll send it down to SATAN! on a silver platter!

Now Nischelle looks like she is going to borderline vom. Well that was…graphic. She looks afraid to continue. Any other closing remarks you’d like to make?

HAIL SATAN!

Soldier walks out of the Altar as the rituals are still active. Nischelle then turns to meet the captain of the team herself, LSM!

So, LSM....

Nischelle looks down at the severed head of Anthony Hopkins, which LSM is holding in her hands in front of her waist. LSM looks awkwardly between the severed head and the interviewer.

I swear this is a one-time thing!

Well, it's ok if it's not! I think people like this darker, rougher around the edges version of you. Do you have anything to say to the competition?

LSM bows her head and releases a soft sigh before she looks back up at the interviewer.

I can’t believe we’re here already.

I joined the XWF less than a year ago, and here I am already, Captaining the winning War Games team! It’s kinda loco isn’t it? Ned Kaye, Oswaldo, Calypso, Mr. T-shirt, and Jenny from the block have a combined 400 years of XWF experience! And here I am, standing shoulder and shoulder with-

LSM shakes her head as she holds a familiar looking head in her hands.

No.

Here I am, standing head and shoulders ABOVE the whole lot of them! We’re all Captaining our first War Games team, and I’m doing it with less experience and more intelligence than all of them combined! But my meteoric rise in this company shouldn’t be a mystery, because success is literally built into my code, built into my programming: sweet victory is the motor oil that keeps this Machina’s mouth running!

I’m literally a generational talent. I’m a wrestling genius, inside that ring and outside of it. I made the perfect draft selections with every pick, and it shows! All of my soldiers came to battle with their weapons raised and their warcries ready. But what about the other teams?

Sudden Death had half their team suddenly drop dead.

The War Masters are too busy warring with themselves to fight anyone else.

The Notorious Alliance is chock-full of notoriously boring wrestlers that I won’t see in the finals.

And the Meat Clowns would have been better off if they had figured out a way to replace their team captain!

Golly gee, this game is starting to feel less and less like a war and more and more like a genocide! But of course this year's War Games was always going to end in a bloody massacre, because I drafted the most disgusting, bloodthirsty wrestlers on the roster. Am I a bad person for teaming up with the darkest, most vile talent the XWF has to offer? Or am I just a strategic genius? You tell me. Would you rather team up with a Satanic DemiGod, the girl from the grudge, and your own stalker…or would you rather fight all three of them at once with Elijah frickin’ Martin at your side! I think the choice is pretty clear- it’s pretty clear that Jenny Myst made the wrong choice- in all three rounds of the draft!

But of course, that sensitive Sally is just full of bad choices. Elijah Martin was a waste of a pick, even mentioning his name here is a waste of my breath! Elijah just hasn’t been the same ever since I took that Anarchy belt off his waist. Savannah Knightley STILL has better odds of getting to finals than Jenny’s second round pick! Elijah's probably too busy licking his wounds with Holden Ross and Bam Miller to even give a damn about his team!

And Jenny's third round pick? Oh geez. Hasn’t Angelica skipped out on half of her pay per view bookings this year? Are we sure she even showed up to the Meat Clown orientation, or was that just Jenny Myst with half-decent makeup and a better hairdo? Sure, I had some bad pay per view showings this year: because I got kidnapped in the middle of my match! So what’s Angie’s excuse? She’s just lazy and doesn’t care that much about wrestling? She just won’t put in the work to be great? Or maybe her car just wouldn’t start!

Ay dios mio…no wonder Lacklan’s lesser half fell to the third round. The price of gas has soared so high that she just doesn’t have anything left in her tank! And why the heck is Angie hanging out with Ruby instead of her teammates? Is Ruby the only person who will give that annoying puta a ride to work tomorrow?!

And Raion Kido at number 1 overall? Kido’s a great wrestler, I won’t scoff at his technique, but he was FAR from the best pick in this draft! Jenny Myst was a prisoner of the moment, so captivated by the David and Goliath story that she totally took her eyes off the prize. She’s not even thinking about building a winning team, she’s just trying to get as close to the top belt as she physically can, because she knows the only way she’ll ever hold it is if she asks Raion really, really nicely!

Raion Kido is great on his own, but nothing about him says team player. I’ve seen him throw the entire Anarchy brand under the bus, countless times- so how’s Elijah going to feel about that? Raion Kido isn’t going to work with your team, he’s not going to put you all on his back and take you to the promised land, he’s just going to cast off your dead weight the first chance he gets! If you think Raion will break a sweat to break up a pin you’ve got another thing coming, Jenny! He wouldn’t even break up that pin for McBride against Mi Padre, so why do you think he’s going to break up a pin for you?!

That’s why I drafted Mercy, I know she’s a team player! Mercy is so team-oriented that she collaborates with Madison Dyson every waking hour, I mean, those two take the whole ‘women go to the bathroom together’ trope to the extreme! Those ladies are so team-oriented they use the same stall every time they go to take a caca on our enemies!

And, also….HELLO?? My team gets to have Madison Dyson at ringside throughout the event! I got to draft a 2-for-1 with two of the most fearsome women to ever step into a ring! Madison and Mercy engrained themselves in this team, and they are willing to put this team on their back. But Raion Kido? Pffft. Raion Kido is too busy playing around in the Bear Pit in Bern to even give his teammates a phone call! If Kido gets to the finals, he's probably going to get to the finals alone: and then, he's all mine!

Just like the finalists from the speed run team will be, whoever happens to eek past the War Clowns. I don't care if it's Criminal, Game Girl, or Calypso- because I know it won't be Hanari- I'm going to show them what TRUE LUCHA LIBRE looks like! They are no match for my technique, for my training, for my leadership. I have my entire team behind me and a black belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu around my waist. I just dare them to lock up with me!

As confident as ever! Any closing thoughts?

If the other teams WISH for our MERCY…

They must SUBMIT to our SOLDIERS!

LSM stares into the camera with rageful intent before walking off screen with the severed head of Anthony Hopkins in her hands.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The shot focuses in on a grotesque man situated at the rear of the altar. The gaggle of freaks all draw to a hush as The Master Ch’GTHON speaks in a grating voice.

Is it all here?

Yes, master, all the pieces are assembled.

Excellent, we can then begin the ritual. He waves his decrepit bony arms over the body parts and starts to mutter in Latin. Meanwhile, Viewer Desecration Advised looks on. Latina Submission Machina looks skeptical, Mercy looks vigilant. Unknown Soldier has his hands clasped as he grins with quiet excitement. Tommy looks seriously unimpressed with the whole thing.

The ritual progresses, with the Master’s hand movements becoming more dynamic, drawing infernal sigils in the air, sigils that in time start to form blazing lines out of nothing! Now, LSM starts to look intrigued, holding a hand up to her mouth in surprise. Madison claps her hands together with a triumphant look on her face.

[center]

The body parts start to stitch themselves together, ragged flesh meeting ragged flesh as the skin seems to sew itself anew. A vile black energy begins to wisp in and out of Anthony Hopkin’s dead mouth, as if propelled by an impossible breathing. And then, the musculature of the corpse starts to twitch. The Master Ch’GTHON’s chanting rises to a fevered pitch and suddenly…

ARISE! …The body sits up! The pieces now fully fused into a grotesque abomination of man. The cultists in attendance all gasp in wonderment. LSM mutters under her breath in shock, and makes the sign of the cross over her torso. Unknown Soldier raises his arms triumphantly in the air and calls out HAIL SATAN!

And that’s when the head of Anthony Hopkins lets out an anguished scream. The scream of a mind utterly destroyed by the sheer insanity of its circumstances. Madison laughs nervously. All part of the show, everyone! She tries to placate, but even the Ch’GTHON looks mildly concerned. He continues chanting, but the4 screaming of the Anthony Hopkins head just drowns it out. Everyone in attendance starts to mutter amongst themselves. Until, improbably, Nischelle from Entertainment Tonight walks up to the alter and holds the mic up to the golem’s screaming mouth.

So tell me, how does it feel to live again? Her empty headed question actually causes the golem to pause a moment. Hopkin’s milky dead eyes try to focus on her. Madison jerks her head at Nischelle, vainly trying to indicate she should move.

And that’s about when the Golem leaps off the alter and tackles Nischelle. Nischelle screams and the cultists nearest the alter stumble backwards in shock. The head of Anthony Hopkins growls feral and then proceeds to bite down on Nischelle’s nose, ripping it clean off her face. She screams again, this time in a more nasally manner, as blood pumps from her face and over her mouth.

YES! YES! Soldier cries out, clearly loving the show.

Madison steps in. No, NO! Uh, excuse me infernal hellspawned golem! I am your leader and I demand you stop murdering that Entertainment Tonight hostess!

But the golem simply ignores her, balling up its fists instead and proceeding to pound Nischelle’s skull into a fine paste. Madison retreats back to the team and LSM smacks Madison’s shoulder.

Jesus Christo you said you’d have control!

I do! I do!

Now, the golem sets his sights on the Master Ch’GTHON. He looks hinder and yon for some sort of support, and then, finding none, he mutters Oh shit. The golem leaps over the alter and collides with the Master, proceeding to pound his skull into paste as well. By now, the panicked cultists are starting to trample each other in terror as they pour towards any point of egress they can find.

Damn it Madison, do something! LSM screams.

Hey, you, GOLEM!

The golem roars at Madison in response.

Eeeep!

Hey Maddy, things are getting pretty gnarly! Unknown Soldier punches a cultist who runs into him full boar.

Fuck it! Tommy declares. Tommy leaps into action, running at the altar and leaping atop it in one smooth motion, before propelling himself off and landing on the golem’s shoulders.

Holy shit, Tommy! LSM hollers.

The golem howls and screeches, trying to reach back to dislodge Tommy as he digs his feet into the golem’s shoulder blades and wraps his hands about it’s chin. Gnashing its teeth and tottering, the golem desperately tries to get Tommy off, but Tommy holds onto it like its a bucking bronco. Then, steadying himself, Tommy takes a tight hold of its head and pulls back with all his might. And, before long, the magical powers that were holding the head in place start to become undone! Foul blood starts to leak through the suture point as the neck starts to separate from the rest of the torso! The Anthony Hopkins head howls in bitter agony as Tommy wrenches back on its chin once, twice, thrice, with the third pull tearing the head clean off the golem’s shoulders. Tommy rolls off the beast’s back as it totters and falls over. Then, head in hand, Tommy holds it out and punts it across the room.

By now, the area is mostly clear, leaving the team alone with a smattering of crushed cultists. Soldier, looking impressed, intones Holy shit Tommy, that was fuckin’ sweet!

Latina Submission Machina shakes her head in a combination of surprise and awe. Yeah…that was….impressive!

Tommy, hands on his hips, looks at his team mates and scowls. Ya know what, I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it! You were gonna replace me with that thing and I just kicked its ass.

No, no, no! Tommy bear! Heh! Madison steps up to Tommy as Mercy prods a toe at the body of the dead golem, ensuring its dead. We were never gonna replace you! We wanted the golem in ADDITION to you! We wanted….

But Tommy cuts off Madison’s bleating by….kissing her?! Tommy grabs hold of Madison and smooches her deeply and passionately. Soldier and LSM both go eyes wide. Even Mercy is shocked into…err…further silence. Finally, Tommy lets go of a stunned Madison. Sorry. Had to do it. Feelin’ damn good!

Was it as good for you as it was for us?!

Madison scowls at Soldier. Shut up! And Mercy! Madison gestures at the golem. Clean this shit up! Madison storms off, leaving the team amongst themselves.

As much as I hate to admit it Tommy, we owe you an apology. You really came through in the clutch and proved your a member of the team.

Mercy comes up behind Tommy and claps a hand on his shoulder, drawing a degree of surprise from all present. wELL dOnE. She rasps before returning her attention to the pile of sewn together parts.

LSM steps forward to shake Tommy’s hand. Team?

Tommy considers her warily for a moment before clasping her hand in his. Team.

And that’s when the corpse of Nischelle Turner lets out a massive rattling death fart. Soldier starts laughing hysterically, and finally Tommy and LSM do too.

And thus we leave the team of Viewer Descretion Advised, mutually bonded over the death flatulence of an Entertainment Tonight Host. Meanwhile, Mercy picks up the golem corpse and starts schlepping it towards the garbage disposal in the kitchen.

Team War Masters Collab - Together we stand strong

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 23:51:06 -0700

The explosions continue to roar across the battlefield. Vinnie is seen, running forwards, cutting across the zone, weaving and ducking like a true professional warrior. He dives, launching into the trench in front of him, as an explosion erupts right where he was previously running two seconds before. Vinnie rests there for a moment, catching his breath, before turning and looking down the trench at the other soldiers under his command. They look weary and worried, wondering if Vinnie is going to come up with another miracle to get them out of this mess.

Vinnie: Keep your heads down, boys! We’re going to get out of this!

Vinnie says this with all the confidence he can muster, yet he knows the odds are against them. Reinforcements are nonexistent. The forces are approaching at an unrelenting pace, having boxed them into this section of the territory. It’s looking like the only hope for them is a miracle. But Vinnie will not give up. He’s seen what his father went through. He refuses to cower, refuses to give in to the anxiety of leadership.

Vinnie: Save your ammo! When they come out of the darkness, have your neutron flares ready! We will give them the fight of their lives!

There’s a weak but steady response from the troops, who know how precarious their situation is. Thanks to Vinnie, none of them are running away… yet. Vinnie leans forward, setting his gun on the edge of the trench. He aims through his sight, searching for the first sign of his enemy. Strangely, the explosions seem to be dying down, but it could mean that the troops are advancing… or that something else is happening. He listens intently, waiting for a sign… then straightens up suddenly.

Vinnie: Do you… do you all hear…

He doesn’t finish his sentence, as it’s clear that the other soldiers are hearing it too. A sound they haven’t heard in years, and feeling completely out of place on this war-torn battlefield.

Vinnie: … Hooves? Horses? Here?

But there’s no mistaking the sound of horses charging forward. There’s also no denying the sound of screams coming from the enemy side of No Man’s Land. They are screams of terror, screams of death… as well as war screams of triumph. The guns and firepower die off, and slowly, the wasteland becomes quiet. Vinnie dares to poke his head out, trying to see further into the darkness, but there are no signs… until the sounds of horses begin again, now seeming to approach them.

Vinnie: Everyone… stand ready… but nobody fire until I give the word…

Vinnie leans upwards, aiming his rifle once more. He waits, as the horses come closer. The line begins to come into focus, a large swath of animals and men, stretching across the boundaries of the battlefield. Two horses, in particular, move forward towards their specific trench. One horse is riderless. The other, pulling the horse along from a tied rope on his saddle, comes close enough to the spot to see the warriors standing there. He is carrying an extremely bloody saber in one hand, and is sporting several new wounds from the battle that just took place. But he’s still able to stay on the horse as he looks down at Vinnie… and smiles.

Vaughn: You’re Vinnie, right? We’ve been looking for you.

Vinnie: Who… who are you?

Vaughn: It’s not about who I am. It’s about who you are. Are you the ruler, Vinnie? The ultimate strategist? Are you going to follow through like your father did, and become the great leader that you were meant to be?

Vinnie: You know my father?

Vaughn: I know a lot of things, Vinnie. Like how I’m not going to be leading this troop much longer.

Vaughn winces, leaning to the side. He shakes it off, knowing that he just has to make it through this moment before returning to his own time. Vinnie steps forward, studying Vaughn, as he reaches back and offers the reins of his spare horse to the son of Mastermind.

Vaughn: You should be in charge. We’ve cleared a path for you, Vinnie. So the big question is… do you want to live forever?

Vaughn’s smile shows some blood in his mouth, as he offers Vinnie the chance he’s been waiting for. He opts to take it, stepping forward and accepting the horse. With surprising skill, he yanks up onto the horse, turning to his troops in the trench, who are now all rising up.

Vinnie: This is our chance, men. We’ve been given the opportunity to finally take control of this war! Who’s with me??

The soldiers all cheer, fired up, and begin to move forward. Vinnie directs them towards the enemy borders, following along with the horse. Vaughn’s leftover troops seem to be joining in with them, as Vaughn watches them go. He leans forward on his horse, patting him on the side, before pulling on the reins and slowly directing him forward. A light appears up ahead of him, with Vaughn riding straight towards it…

Bernie is seen back behind the lines, studying the computerized maps in front of her. She’s mapping out where all of the troops are said to be, trying to come up with a gameplan that would lead to victory. But there doesn’t seem to be a path available.

Bernie: I know the troops are needing instructions. They need a design to take them through here. But where? Where is it?

She shakes her head, frustrated. From all indications, the enemy didn’t have a weak spot to strike at. They were powerful across the line, unified, a deadly force that would be difficult, if not impossible, to stop. Behind Bernie, the small door opens, with a mysterious hooded figure making his way into the room. Bernie, hearing the sound of movement, spins, grabbing for her gun.

Bernie: Halt right there! Stay back!

The hooded man waits in position, not moving, as Bernie steps towards them. There was almost something familiar about the way he stood, the way he had moved into the room.

Bernie: What are you doing here?

Hooded Man: I bring… information.

Bernie: Why bring it to me? There’s no point…

Hooded Man: You must know, Bernie…

Bernie: How… how do you know my name?

The man doesn’t answer. He finally start moving forward again, bypassing Bernie, who looks on in shock, her gun still aimed at his back. The man presses several buttons on the screen, readjusting the troop focus.

Hooded Man: Right here… this is where you need to send your troops to strike. It is a weakened position, made vulnerable by the enemy believing that you’d never attack here. This dam could be the key to ultimate victory.

Bernie studies the map for a moment, her eyes growing wide at the sight. She traces it with her fingers, realizing that the man speaks true. That was the spot that could turn the tide of battle.

Bernie: If you’re right about this… how do you know for sure?

She turns back… but the hooded man is no longer there. She looks around, then rubs her eyes before looking back at the map. She then picks up her communicator.

Bernie: I’ve got a new target for Troops C, D, & E! Listen up!

As Bernie starts to transfer the orders, we see Mastermind pulling back his hood across the yard. He smiles at her, before moving off into the darkness.

Behind enemy lines, we see several of the enemy soldiers milling back and forth. A couple walk forward, smoking cigarettes that glow as they walk. The smoke drifts away, as the first soldier puts it out before talking to their friend.

1st Soldier: I heard we’re taking losses in the south. Some sort of surprise troop maneuvers.

2nd Soldier: You can’t trust everything you hear. I mean, they were talking about getting charged by a calvary. Who’s even heard about something like that in modern times??

1st Soldier: Yeah, but I heard we also took some hits at the dam…

2nd Soldier: Trust me, this isn’t going to last. We’ve still got the upper hand. As long as our command structure is in place, our leader will find a way to turn things around to our advantage. We can count on her to take us to victory.

1st Soldier: I guess so. But I’m still going to go load up on ammo. Just in case.

2nd Soldier: You can never be too careful.

The two soldiers move off into the ammunition storage area, disappearing from view. Stepping out from behind that building, slipping away into the darkness, we see two new figures. They move quickly across the field, heading to some nearby cover. Once they reach it, they both look back the way they came.

Duke: Are you ready for it?

Sahara: I’m always ready.

Duke: This is going to be fun.

Duke presses a button on the high-tech detonator he was able to put together. Immediately, the ammo depot erupts in flames, exploding outwards. The debris flies far and wide, but thankfully not quite reaching the two undercover agents.

Sahara: Is that it?

Duke: Of course not. Be patient.

A second later, another explosion rips through a second building nearby. Then a third. A fourth. The entire area begins to go up in a chain of fire, Duke smiles confidently, before turning to Sahara.

Duke: Better?

Sahara: Better. But still not enough.

Duke: Always so hard to please…

The duo moves off, heading further down the line, as we can hear screams and orders to bring water. The entire line appears to be an inferno, at least at this point. There’s no sign of the two soldiers we originally saw, but then, there’s probably not much left of them after that explosion.

The view switches to another spot on the field of battle. A large troop of soldiers can be seen, making their way across the plains. Large, cybernetic tanks are moving beside them, traveling along the territory, keeping an eye out for any surprise attacks lurking around them. The commander is in front, driving in an armored vehicle. He stands, scanning the area with his binoculars.

Commander: Keep advancing! I want these scum wiped out in the name of our glorious leader! They are an affront to her reputation! May they all be screaming in hell tonight!

The troops don’t respond, as they’ve been trained not to express their emotions. The forces move forward in the darkness… but suddenly, we see them better, as they all begin to squint, shielding their eyes. There’s apparently a blinding light in front of them, obscuring their vision.

Commander: What is that? Tanks, open fire! Destroy the light!

The tanks immediately aim their long muzzles towards the light, blasting shots of pure energy towards it. The energy explodes… then disperses, seemingly having no effect. The commander, shocked, leans forward in his vehicle, still trying to see through the white light.

Commander: Every force! Open fire!

The troops take their positions as trained, and begin to send wave after wave of weapons fire towards the light. But, just like the tanks, it seems to have no effect. The light continues to approach them, brightening the entire area. It’s almost like the sun is rising. But this is no sun.

Commander: Is that…. Is that a woman??

The camera captures the sight of the glowing woman floating along in the air. She stares down at the troops before her, who are still futilely firing their weapons towards her. Nothing can penetrate her magical shields. She glares at them.

We find ourselves outside an ominous-looking tower. It clearly has the look of a building that’s been protected heavily during the recent battles. There are still seemingly many troops swarming around it, prepared to protect their leader to the death. As the camera focuses on the soldiers, we hear movement nearby. The camera slowly turns, to show Thaddeus & Sahara Duke making their way out of the shadows.

Duke: This the place?

Sahara: Looks like it.

Duke: Are we the first ones to make it?

There’s a tone in Duke’s voice that makes us wonder if he actually meant to say “the only ones to make it”. But it goes unsaid. They wait a moment, until there’s the sound of a doorway opening up nearby. It’s a strange sound to be heard where the duo are located. They turn and see the figure stepping out of the doorway, which disappears behind him. Mastermind walks over, staying low, as he stares at the structure in front of them.

Mastermind: So this is where it all leads.

Duke: We take this down, and our kids’ safety is secured.

Mastermind: Then it comes down. I won’t tolerate any other outcome.

Duke: Where are the rest of the forces?

Mastermind: They’re on their way.

Duke: Most are here already…

The trio turns to see Peter Vaughn coming up on horseback. He slowly pulls himself off the horse, nearly collapsing, as Mastermind goes over to him and brings him over. Vaughn slumps against the wall, breathing heavily. He still seems to be in good spirits, however.

Vaughn: You should have seen him, MM. Vinnie put on a hell of a show. I’m pretty sure they’ve got the east flank all taken care of.

Mastermind: Vinnie is destined to be a great leader. It’s time to get you back into your time line so that you can heal and for us to get the hell back to our time line so we can get to War Games.

Vaughn: What, you not… *cough*... having enough fun here?

Mastermind: It’s not that, but this isn’t our time. We need to move now, so we don’t ruin this time period as well.

Mastermind holds out his hand and helps Vaughn to his feet, and then he helps Vaughn, and ushers Dolly and Thad towards the Taimarus, and the Mastermind holds out a clicker, and presses it.

The door appears, and they walk through the door, and they are gone from this time period as one big group thrown together ready to compete at War Games.

The quartet of War Masters all walk into the scene one after another and stand shoulder to shoulder: The Martyr,The Universal Ruler, The Artist and finally… The Mastermind.

The man responsible for bringing this team together, and unlocking inside of them the ancient castes of their warrior spirits. The stand together on the shores of the former Gulf of Meixco, bullets and bombs raining from the heavens as Mastermind begins to reveal his true intentions for forming the War Masters:

[yellow]

Dolly’s hair is blown back, and white looking almost. Same for her skin and colorless eyes. But it’s only a shadow of the brilliant glow of energy surrounding her levitating body. She raises her hands, flames are burning through the skin follicles on her fingertips. A smirk comes across her face, as her voice thunders out with an almost supernatural sounding echo,

What’s wrong, friends? Are the aesthetics not realistic enough for you? Certainly no worse than coming to you, live, from inside of an SNES emulator, right? No more fanciful than a literal video game character being a real life professional wrestler. No more unusual than someone like Calypso! spurring his own perpetual state of failures, and finally finding some long desired success in his career. No more curious, my being here in this state, than Comrade’s history of televised deaths and reincarnations. And certainly no less the mystery than how Hanari Carnes manages to tie his shoes by himself everyday.

Trust me… I get it!

All I’ve heard, all my career, is grown men balking at everything I’ve ever done.

When I first arrived in the XWF, there was no way I could be what I was, a child wrestler winning matches against established champions before I even hit puberty. It even went so far, that a person you all slobber on so feverishly and hold with such dear regard, Jim Caedus, accused me of being an actual man. What a super refreshing take in this day and age, huh? But as if that would’ve made any difference, him screaming at, and slamming his head over and over into some imaginary wall. Yet you all love that guy, because yer’ all so much like him. Petty. Dishonest. Hypocrites.

Let’s start with you, Calypso!, don’t you think it’s a little weird that you’d get upset over me bringing up how often you’ve lost? 70 loses was an obvious embellishment. But why does it frustrate you so deeply that I would have the audacity to point it out? Especially when it’s yer’ entire argument against me.

X amount of Dolly losses = Dolly is a flake, has daddy issues, is a bad person.

It’s pretty much a copy and paste version of any promo work anyone has cut against me. Those who desperately work to impugn my character. Do you really think that does anything to get under my skin? You pointed it out yourself, Lypsy, baby: Even Thad blathered on the same old done-to-death spiel, and yet here he is- shoulder to shoulder, ready to go to war with his sister. In all honesty, I believe it says a lot more about you than it does me… or it says a lot more interesting things about you, anyhow.

I’ve been the first to admit that I haven’t always been at my best. I’ve been saying it a lot longer than you have. You’ll hear it constantly repeated,that Dolly’s time is coming. It’s getting a bit tiresome, ain’t it? So for you to willingly gobble up that like yer’ just the latest in a long line of human centipede projects, refeeding the same old Dolly smack talk that’s been cycling through the colons of every opponent since Chris Chaos- it’s grossly depressing.

Oh look! My censored bar is back…

Four swear words, Game Girl. Literally four last time out! And I’m pretty certain that cunt doesn’t even qualify. Ask Noah Jackson. So three! We were WAAAY edgier in 2019. I thought I’d been doing a better job cleaning up my act, but to the patron saint of not-being-around-for-years-at-a-time, I’m still trash. Awesome!

But yes, I believe your angst towards me dealing you a dose of your own cough syrup is a little unsettling, Calypso!, is it because you want to hold onto the lie?

If you discredit me telling everyone that you’re a world renowned loser because it’s boring, while in the same breath telling everyone that I’m a world renowned loser because I’m Dolly…then maybe you don’t really believe either to be true, huh? I mean it’s obvious, you and I have lost a lot of matches in our career. SURE I’m nowhere near the level of sub-.500 obscurity like you, but I’ve no doubt taken my lumps. Yet it doesn’t bother me when people bring it up… it’s literally all. They. Can. Say….

Until they can’t, ain’t that right Calypso!?

Jim Caedus could say it until last year, until I rocked his jaw and took his XTreme Championship in this very event. Do you think I’m afraid of you, Calypso? Do you think I’m afraid of Game Girl, or Comrade, or Carnes? Of course not! And for every reason you pointed out- THAT, YES, WE POINTED OUT FIRST-

Dolly owns GG.
Vaughn owns Calypso
Mastermind owns Hanari
…and Charlie Nickles, when not being held down by the incredible weight of a few apathetic bastards, owns Comrade.

Until we don’t, right?

And that’s the point. All of this posturing, it’s all conjecture. It’s all about Calypso holding onto the lie.

Why does Calypso get mad about being told that he lost a bunch of times? Because he knows it puts him in the peculiar position of having to defend Dolly Waters.

Just. Like. Jimbo.

Goddamn disappearing act, shit stirring extraordinaire who took his career in the XWF to unhealthy levels of seriousness. One of the most vicious, and feared wrestlers in history. He couldn’t help but tell me alllllll about the ways that I was just like him, while completely ignoring himself in that equation. And I raked him over the coals for it. That’s why it says so much more about you, dude… it says Yer’ willfully dishonest.

Spin class boys, welcome to spin class. Calypso riding a bike 30 miles in an hour and going nowhere. We all do it, right? Calypso had to spin the narrative of how and why he lost to Peter Vaughn, but “beating” Dolly in a four way where I clearly pinned the better competitor at the same time as he pinned Tommy Wish… well, that’s a win cleaner than a Hanari’s nose for Calypso.

Spin, dude… spin, spin, spin, spin, spin.

She twirls her finger in the air, making a circular motion as repetitive, and chalk full of losses as anyone's career in the XWF

But no matter what, the wheel is always going to come back to you. That’s the lie. That’s what Calypso knows. That anyone with even the most milquetoast levels of ability in that ring, can bounce back from their losing ways and be a force. Would he consider himself to be anything but a force right now? Surely he’s not here to just have fun, all whilst scaling Mt. Final Boss. That would spit in the face of everything hescsayd, despite how GameGirl feels.

Would you say my capabilities in that ring are uninspiring? Or not up to par? Not a thinking person alive could, or would. How’s about for Peter Vaughn? Thad Duke? Mastermind?

Did Mastermind not just pull a better version of Calypso, by returning from hiatus to actually capture a championship? One that Calypso had ailed to win before?

Despite what he, or any of the Speed Runners say, Calypso knows that this war is anyones to win. I happen to like the chances of the War Masters more. Mainly, because our captain isn’t a dishonest, shell game running, spin class loving FRAUD.

I don’t know exactly what GameGirl was talking about… I’ve had SO much fun in the lead up to these WarGames. Sneezing on. Savannah and giving her COVID is if nothing else, an iconic moment. It made these WarGames a lot more interesting if I do say so myself… Yer’ WelCum! See, I learned that actually sticking to yer’ guns even if it means dying… or looking like an asshole, is more honorable than living on, or carrying on a lie. I carry on the dream. I carry it into WarGames

And here's a eat shit for old times sake, GG.

The Self Loathing

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 23:32:42 -0700

(OOC note: Tired and data is a bitch. No color coding. Sorry...)

The hardlight hologram version of Oswald continued to read, but would speak this time without looking up to the camera.

"Ah, it's time again. I don't have many stories to tell you. I'm fresh out of inspiration. Like a modern writer relying on the technology of the day to put out his novel to the world at the push of a button.

If I had time, if I had more stories processed, I could create something worthy of your ears. Unfortunately, I do not. I'll try my best, but don't expect an Odyssey or a Macbeth.

One of the many millennia prior to the existence of any planet, as Light shaped the very stars itself, Dark asked what they were doing.

'It is quite drab here, o' Void. We must live in harmony, do we not, under your very cozy blanket. I simply wish to have something bright adorning it so that when we look at it, the weaving of your blanket shows both of our personalities.'

'I… quite like the dark… for the brightness harms my senses, Light. Can you mute their luster so that when I rest, I do not wake from those objects shining unto my slumbering form?'

Light exhaled in such a way that it seemed annoyed at the request.

'Fine. Because I love you, and want us to live peacefully. I will make these objects lose their light over time. Some will lose their light after burning through it quickly. Though, that is when they will be their brightest, near death, as if celebrating the life they had, until they are gone forever. Making the blanket lose some brightness, but it will be dark again. As these things age, they will be at their lowest form of light. They will then expand and becoming the loveliest being amongst the darkness, before their life is snuffed out for all eternity.'

Dark smiled at that thought. The death of all those objects no longer being able to shine. Sure, he'd have to endure the light, and their brightest before their end, but the torment will end, forever, as those toys die. He simply wished it would come faster.

Speaking of stars that shine brightly before their death: Latina Submission Machina. Your time last year really was your best. Took both belts from me, but what on earth have you done since? Seems like the same position as me: Fuck all.

Wish, there really is no reason to talk about you. You are there to anchor her team and that's it. She knows you ain't gonna be able to do shit against me. That's why she has the other numbskulls there, to pick up your slack.

Mercy, I still don't know who the hell you think you are. You also bring up my past a lot. Ghost Tank is dead and buried. He does not exist. So why are you so hell bent on bringing that shit up? I've been more successful without the Ghost Tank moniker. And another thing, you call me the BoB B-Team member. Last year, I showed everyone and got the recognition I deserved not just from the BoB Elite, but from the very XWF Galaxy, when I won the May Star of the Month. Making me one of the few people to earn that kind of accomplishment. All after ditching the Ghost Tank name.

So, I ask you, sincerely, who the FUCK is Ghost Tank? Because Ghost Tank couldn't do a fucking thing right except a title that was on its way out of the damn company. Oswald, however, now that's a name. Championship after championship. Belt after belt. Title after title.

Oswald is who you face at War Games. Not Ghost Tank.

But hey, maybe I'll throw in something special, just for you, kid. Whether it's bloodying myself from hitting steel too hard, or just the raw and untamed destruction. Either way, just for you, a throwback.

And for Soldier, too. Might as well, right? A round of throwbacks for the most ignorant fucks on your team who can't see when someone has grown and evolved as a person and as a wrestler!

I thought I was getting the best of the best, but instead I got my greatest hit... men. Dick will penetrate your most vulnerable teammate with his shenanigans. Soldier will be given a name, and that is Page's Bitch. Bourbon will show Mercy none whatsoever as he cries out 'King Me!' and teabags them. While I make the Latina Submission Machina cry out 'Ay papi! No mas, por favor!' as I destroy her body and her credibility.

Sudden Death is going to win this whole thing. Even if I am the only person outted from the whole thing, I believe in the Dick, the King and his Page.

See you at War Games."

Latina Heat

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 23:16:43 -0700

I fell further and further into the abyss.

Further than I ever thought possible.

With every second that passed the flames grew hotter, the burns more severe.

Just one step was all it took, and it was nothing but a downward spiral from there.

My whole being: soul, spirit, body and all, was falling into an inferno far beyond my control, far beyond my comprehension.

But how did I even get here?

As I turned to the right, I saw nothing but vermin falling beside me. I saw nothing but my own failures and my own mistakes, I saw nothing but the disgusting face of the Unknown Soldier I had drafted in the second round. I drafted him, the most vile creature on the roster, and here I was just two weeks later: already halfway down the highway to hell, being shepherded down a funnel to SATAN!

Was this his plan all along? Did Soldier even care about War Games, or was this an elaborate trick? Was Soldier about to sell my soul to HIS Dark Master? And if he was…how was I going to stop it, now that I was falling straight into the devil’s lap?

I drafted him out of necessity, out of desperation. Not just to win a match, no- I didn’t NEED Soldier to win at War Games. I needed Soldier so that I could learn more about myself, and about the dark necklace of mi madre. I grew up in this world so sure of myself, so sure of my family’s legacy, so sure that I would always be on the right side of history.

But now? After all I’ve learned since her death?

Now I’m not sure of anything…I haven’t been sure of mierda since the first time I took the mask off! It seems like every day I learn something new about my family legacy, about mi madre’s dark secrets…and now I’m left wondering: has my family EVER been on the right side of ANYTHING?

And if they haven’t….how could I ever hope to break that cycle? I used to think I was so honorable, so noble, so much better than the filthy brutes that litter this industry……but then I drafted three of the filthiest brutes on the payroll to my team.

Why did I do that?

When was this falling going to stop?

¡¿QUÉ MIERDA ME PASA?!

Who have I become? I have always been THE bastard daughter of THE bastard, so why should my acceptance of that change anything? That bastard’s blood has always flown through me, bubbling just beneath the surface, swimming in my veins…so why did it feel different now?

Why do *I* feel different now?

I bet it’s all Tommy Wish’s fault…..he ruined my Anarchy title reign, my 24/7 freestyle reign, he practically ruined my life when he locked me into that room for months on end! I don’t know if I’ve ever hated anyone as much as I hate Tommy Wish….I think I might hate him more than I ever hated The Nickleman. I was set to compete in the Cannabis Cup as an XWF double-champion, I could have made my legacy then and there: until Tommy Wish came along to drag me down to his depths, just like the Unknown Soldier was doing to me now.

As I kept on falling, further and further into the depths of darkness, I couldn’t help but second guess every step I had taken along this path.

I drafted Mercy because I wanted a secret weapon in my back pocket. I drafted Unknown Soldier because I wanted to unlock the secrets buried deep inside my soul. Now, I’m asking myself the question everyone else has been asking me for weeks…..WHY THE F**K DID I DRAFT TOMMY WISH?!?!

As the flames grew hotter still I could feel my blood boiling inside my melting flesh. The Unknown Soldier just laughed as his own painted face began to liquify. I think back to the night of the draft as I closed my eyes, or rather, as my eye sockets melted over my eyes, shrouding them in a burning darkness.

If I’m bound to go to hell, I may as well confront my own personal demons along the way- and the THUG turned FREAK has been obsessed with possessing me for months. So why did I ever draft him? I hate him, I want to see his insides go outside, I want to see his career snuffed out, just like he tried to do to mine.

So why do I want to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him at War Games? After all he’s put me through, shouldn’t I want to make him tap out of life, once and for all? You’d think so…but sometimes, life isn’t that simple. Trust me, I wish my life was as simple as I once believed it was.

Before I try to open my eyes I realize that I drafted Tommy Wish because, even through it all, I don’t blame him for what happened. He’s just a creepy idiot who can’t control his impulses. The true villain, as cliche as it sounds, was this cruel world that didn’t care enough about their Anarchy champion to organize a twenty-minute search party. If I’m going to get revenge for what happened to me, Tommy Wish can’t be the target….he’d be all too happy to submit to me.

If I ever want to get revenge for the way I was so easily discarded by the XWF like human trash, I need to aim a lot higher than Tommy Wish. I need to aim for the entire world, for the entire UNIVERSE….I will need to make those cosmos burn, forevermore! And what better way to start my quest for vengeance than by waging war against the whole roster, all at once, until it submits?

They always said hell hath no fury like a latina woman’s scorn, but that was never actually true- not until now. Not until this very moment, when the Latina Submission Machina finally landed into the very depths of hell where her madre shall lay for eternity!

UMPH!

LSM and the Unknown Soldier finally crash onto the hard rock floor of Satan’s demesne. As LSM opens her eyes she looks up and sees the not-so pearly gates of the Underworld. Soldier picks himself up off the ground and, after brushing some hell dust off his shoulders, offers a helping hand to his team captain. LSM looks at him skeptically, still unsure of his intentions.

Come on, we don’t have all day.

LSM reluctantly takes Soldier’s hand and is pulled up to her feet. LSM starts patting herself down, as if she were inspecting her body and her clothing for damage. Much to her surprise, she is perfectly fine. Her make-up even looks fresher now! Soldier chuckles softly to himself as LSM finally looks back up at him with a mix of anger and confusion.

The highway to hell is a bumpy road, I probably should have warned you. But you always come out ok in the end! The Big Guy takes care of people like us down here.

LSM raises her painted eyebrow inquisitive.

People like us?

HIS people!

I’m not his people.

LSM puts up her hands defensively. Soldier grabs a hold of LSM’s wrist. She tries to pull back, but he holds her firmly.

Let go!

See this?

Soldier points to a small black mark on LSM’s wrist. As the camera zooms in incredibly close on the small black mark, it becomes clear that it’s a tiny inverted cross.

Your mother marked you at birth so that you could travel between the planes. My mother did the same to me.

Soldier lets go of LSM’s wrist and holds up his own, revealing a similar black dot.

Wait, what?! Mi madre said it was a birthmark!

Don’t you know by now that all witches are liars?

LSM looks angrily at Soldier, but then she looks down at her wrist for inspection. When she looks closely and squints, she can make out the mark. Her jaw drops.

Now let’s go, they’re probably waiting for us by now!

Wait, hold up! Who’s waiting for us? You haven’t even told me what the hell we’re doing in hell, and I won’t let you sell my soul to Satan!

Soldier laughs and rolls his eyes.

Sell your soul to Satan? Girl, he already has it! Your mother beat me to that a LOOOOONG, LOOOOONG time ago!

…..

The killers are probably waiting for us! Fuck, we gav em' a week to prepare. I told the assistant to SATAN!’s right hand man that we were going to need two of the meanest motherfuckers they had. That must've leaked. Last I heard the killers holed up at some shitfole in the middle of the desert, and now we need to drag them out of there, and out of hell! Or at least parts of them…heh.

Soldier smirks as he starts walking up the stairs and through the gates of hell. LSM stomps her feet into the barren wastes of hell as she marches after him. LSM follows Soldier as he leads her through a barren landscape and over a hill. Once Unknown Soldier gets to the top of the hill he stops and turns around.

You coming? If we wait any longer they might just get more reinforcements!

What?

Just take a look!

As LSM finally reaches the top of the hill, she sees a sight she recognizes instantly: IT’S THE ALAMO! But this time she doesn’t see any tourists or gift shops, but instead, she sees torches and cannons perched atop the fort’s walls! Men bustle across the top of the fort as commands are shouted and battlebanners are raised. Wait…..do those flags have the BOB logo?!?!

Soldier….what the fuck is going on? Why the fuck is the Alamo here?

Are you kidding me? After the massacre that occurred there, this place has a permanent place in hell! It’s one of the only forts down here, because well, usually people are good at defending forts and massacres don’t happen there! But everything is bigger in Texas…especially the Ls they take!

Soldier cackles in laughter as LSM squints down at the fort. As she takes a longer look at The Alamo, she can tell that it’s being manned almost exclusively by skeleton soldiers! The bones of the dead men rattle as they run across the walls of the fort, but LSM notices their mouths never move. LSM starts looking around for the source of the shouts, and she sees none other than the members of SUDDEN DEATH ordering the skeleton men around!

Why the hell is BOB in hell?!

Well everyone in BOB is eventually going to hell because they’re all shitty people, but those guys aren’t actually members of BOB. This is all some dumbass psychological warfare shit, just illusions. Ever since that Space Wizard Anthony Hopkins got word that his ass was on the chopping block, he started pulling all sorts of Hannibal Lecter shit out of his pocket- or at least, that’s what the demon bats have been telling me in my sleep.

ANTHONY HOPKINS?!

Yeah, him and Ramirez are holed up in the Alamo with those corpses! I guess the Alamo used to be a Catholic mission or something, so apparently those skeletons are more than willing to go against our Dark Master’s directives.

YOUR Dark Master! And wait, why is Anthony Hopkins here?! He’s not dead, and he’s not a killer!

I told the Big Guy’s right hand man’s assistant that we needed the two nastiest, most irredeemable killers for a special satanic project we were working on. This is who they picked. They know more than we do, so I wouldn’t question it.

How are we supposed to take out all those skeleton guys?! They have guns and cannons, and we don’t have any of that!

But we have these, and down here, that means we have all the power!

Unknown Soldier holds up his pendant, which is now glowing as profusely as ever. LSM looks down at her own pendant and notices that it, too, is glowing once more. LSM looks back up at her Unknown Soldier as he beckons for her to press her pentagram to his.

Trust me….

LSM looks down at her pentagram, then to the Alamo, then back to Soldier. When she drafted him, she couldn’t trust him as far as she could throw him…but now that they were standing shoulder-to-shoulder, what choice did she have? LSM bit her lip before giving in and pressing her scarlet glowing necklace against Unknown Soldier’s.

When the pentagrams touched, a large portal opened just overhead! A small stream of red magic drifted out of the touching pentagrams and up towards the gray portal, turning it crimson, and suddenly hellish hounds began to pour out of the portal and charge the Alamo! LSM’s eyes grew wide while Soldier’s grin grew wider. The skeletal soldiers of the Alamo began pounding the cannons and firing their muskets, and one by one the hounds of hell began to fall…but they never stopped coming out of the portal!

What do we do?

We can just stand here and talk shit, eventually the Alamo will be overrun just like it was before! These guys can’t defend it, not against the powers of our pentagram.

What, we can just sit here and talk shit and our magical amulets will do all the hard work?

Exactly.

Ay Dios Mio! It’s exactly like TNGB! Bourbon would always just stand around and talk shit, while TK did all the heavy lifting!

Yeah, pretty much. It’s really easy to win battles when someone else does all the dying and all the killing for you. Bourbon became a tag champion the same way an office worker becomes a 5 star general- with the blood, sweat, and tears of harder working bastards!

LSM shook her head in awe as the hounds of hell began scaling the walls of the Alamo. The skeletal musketman did their best, but they were simply outnumbered. The Bobby Bourbon and the Oswald illusions manning the walls began freaking out as they saw their situation, and suddenly Oswald pulled a horn off of his waistband! He blows into it, causing LSM to turn back to Soldier.

What’s he doing now?

He’s calling reinforcements!

Oh, of course BOB needed more reinforcements! Chris Page must be ashamed of what that group has turned into in his absence. After all, Chris Page founded the group, did he not?

I do believe that is the group’s origins, yes.

Chris Page founded the group, and now it’s fallen further than he ever thought it could. There was a time when BOB held the universal championship and the tag belts, but that was a long time ago! BOB has simply fallen off, and they haven’t accomplished caca as a group since they came back together! Chris Page is probably embarrassed that they started back up, tarnishing the brand that HE was the origins of.

Wait, is that him?

LSM looks over as Soldier points off into the distance. Sure enough, Chris Page is riding to the rescue on a white horse, carrying a new banner altogether. Next to Page and traveling at the same pace, a misshapen penis flops around on the ground towards the Alamo.

Those must be the reinforcements!

Chris Page coming to help BOB? That’s how you know they’re desperate! And what is that next to him?

I think that’s TK!

We can’t let them stop our hounds!

Oh, don’t you worry about that.

I’m not THAT worried about it because Chris Page is washed up and past his prime- but we still shouldn’t make this easy for him! Heck, if I have to, I’ll head down this hill and stop him myself! Chris Page should know better than to come around here anymore, after all, his XWF career permanently and LEGALLY ended when he lost to the guy Thunder Knuckles beat. So now, Chris Page has no official business in this company!

You know Soldier, I heard a rumor that Chris Page ‘doesn’t tap out, he passes out’! You know pretty much everyone says that until I have them in a toehold, but heck, I hope it’s true! If Chris Page doesn’t tap out, then it won’t OFFICIALLY be against the rules for me to keep that hold locked in for extra long! Because after all, Chris Page OFFICIALLY isn’t allowed to work in the XWF anymore! So it won’t TECHNICALLY be against the rules for me to keep an unconscious man in a chokehold for ten extra minutes, because TECHNICALLY Chris Page can’t wrestle anymore in the XWF, so TECHNICALLY I’m not doing anything to anyone!

Why are YOU emphasizing all YOUR words like that? You sound R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D!

You sound derivative!

As LSM and Soldier bicker, the hell hounds get over the walls and start ripping everything to shreds! As the skeletal soldiers fall, some of the hellhounds hop back out OVER the walls, and charge right at the lost dick and the white horse savior! Chris Page draws his sword as the flopping dick squirts out some jizz, but two seconds later they’re both squirting out blood as the hell hounds rip into them! LSM cringes as Soldier laughs. The Alamo suddenly grows quiet as the portal above their heads closes.

Well, time to go clean up the mess! Ramirez and Hopkins won’t chop themselves up!

Soldier places his pentagram back around his neck as he starts walking down the hill, towards the Alamo. LSM looks hesitant.

I don’t know about this….

Come on, LSM- we have to do this, for our team, and for SATAN! Would it make you more comfortable if we cut the cameras?

I think so, yeah…

The screen suddenly goes to black as Soldier and LSM walk towards the Alamo to do unspeakable things to the corpses of Hopkins and Ramirez.

Uninspired title involving war and games because I'm uncreative like half the roster

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 22:58:46 -0700

Uninspired title involving war and games because I'm uncreative like half the roster

Like a natural DICKsaster, I rock your world and leave nothing but a massive clean-up in my wake.

King of the Monster Cocks!

GIRTHZILLA!

AKA, Dick "Mother-Lovin'" Powers!

I sit, in a dentist's office, I know right? What a down-right wacky location. Truly, Dick Powers and a dentist's office is by far the most unique pairing you've ever seen!

Dick, you long-cocked, pearly white having six foot something of sex. Why on Earth are you, of all people, there!? It's blowing my fucking mind right now!

Well, you see my dear viewer.

I'm researching a role.

That's right my tarty little shortcakes, I am v-tarty little shortcakes? The fuck did that come from? ... I am venturing into the world of acting! You see... Actually, I'll let my mouth say this. Go ahead mouth.

"Thank you, brain. You see, I've come to the conclusion that I could be having more sex. I originally thought being a wrestler would improve that, alas you all know the struggle. Great if you like greasy nerds! The rockstar train is coming to its last stop as I have not penned an original song in many, many, many years, and being a major stockholder of XWF has got me more angry emails than nudes. So, I act like I give a fuck about any of you all the time so it hit me!"

"Actor!"

"Piss easy, baby girl. Plus winning promo of the month is sure to boost my seed-sowing, right? ... What? Too soon? I mean it's a given, right? I'm awesome and put out the best shit without even trying, plus look at my competition! Fuckin' Ned Kaye gonna make another sad self-masturbatory game about his depressing life? Maybe a dating simulator involving the barrel of a shotgun. Mercy gonna cry to Madison Ivy about how life is unfair?"

Madison Dyson, dude.

"Dyson! Excuse me. I tend to get blonde sinkholes confused. Plus whatever Mastermind is doing! Bitch should stick with building bridges and learn that he should not handle anything mildly new. OH!"

I wave my arms theatrically, y'know like an actor.

"Fucking Mastermind changed his theme song! I went to Ask Jeeves to do some research on him but I couldn't find just one problem the cunt has so I ended up just typing in 'Mastermind?' and got hit back with a page that just said 'Right?' But I kept digging and I found his roster bio. Now, I have no idea if these things are written by wrestlers or some sad fans, or in Mastermind's case maybe his mom. But considering how it's written out, I guarantee this is a Mastermind job. Mother fucker changed his theme from Monster to Edge's fucking theme! What an unoriginal prick for one, two this moron couldn't even spell Alter Bridge right!"

"This man is a father!"

"I am terrified of our future generations!"

"No wonder there's a fucking future war going on and Mastermind's kids are at the center of it. That dipshit ruined the English language and cursed him and his team to Terminator 2 the world. MM probably caused the war, gets kicked out of XWF because he misspells his name on a new contract then decides to pull a Hitler and commit genocide on unnecessary vowels."

"That's funny and all but what does being in a dentist's office have to do with acting?"

I let out a manly scream as I do a sweet jump back and knock over a table filled with gnarly tools. When my heart rate stops doing the Cupid Shuffle, I look to my patient reclined on the chair.

"Fuck, forgot you were here. And to answer your question, you rude man, I am going to be playing a dentist."

"... So, you can't perform a root canal?"

"Todd, shut up. I'm Dick Powers, I can do anything. Here have some gas."

I place the breather thingy over this fat fuck's nose and mouth and let him go to Bill Cosby's Wonderland as I address you again.

"War Masters, the fuck have any of you mastered in your pathetic lives? Mastermind is a joke who we all know too well, Dolly Waters is a constant stream of dehydrated, asparagus-smelling piss on the company with the amount of fuck all she does. Bitch is on the bench more than a homeless person and when she hops off it, she fucks everything up for everybody else like making what was an even match, uneven by calling Thad Duke, and even fucking worse, Duke picked up the phone! Now we have to watch a Duke promo and suffer through shitter trash talk than Mastermind!? Fuck at least Mastermind states the obvious, unlike Thad who makes shit up about people thinking he's important."

"Are you actually that delusional that you think you're the greatest of all time? Prick, you weren't even on the Top 50! You beat a 70-year-old, dementia-ridden man to take HIS Hall of Legends spot! People haven't talked or thought about you since you left and you ruin your """""""""""""""""""""retirement"""""""""""""""""""""" on a War Games match because Dolly Waters asked you to!?"

"You fucking simp!"

"How in the fuck has an incel like you made it to adulthood when your brain is basically a skullfucked mess of chewing gum and ACME products, you goofy ass, looney tune looking mother fucker. Good to know I can make you stroke my shaft and cup the balls if I attach a polaroid of Dolly to my stomach. Fuck, I'd bet I'd get anal when I tell you your daddy gave it up first. Let me cum inside him too! Wouldn't be surprised if I'm your real dad with Sebastian being a giant pussy for letting you beat him; I hope so because when I call you a disappointment it'll actually stick."

I feel a little tapping on my dong and look down to Todd, still huffing gas. I put the breather away.

"Oh shit my bad dude."

Todd's eyes close as I take a little huff of the gas.

"WOO! That's nice. Anyway, Thad, with how fucked your family is I bet it wouldn't be a surprise if I was your real father. Theo Pryce is your brother now apparently? What, you want to be Sebastian that much you want to take his brother and make him your own? Hahahahahaha!!!! You take his Hall of Legends spot, you take his legacy, you do the same boring ass promos and NOW YOU WANT HIS FUCKING BROTHER!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU SAD CUNT!? And don't feed me bullshit like, Sebastian just told you. BULL-SHIT. You made him say it and he bent over just like when you won that fixed match you sock of dried pig cum. And knowing ALL this shit you do, you somehow, by some psychotic brain fart, in your lunatic head, in that down syndrome-filled melon. Do you STILL think you're one of the best there is? Or was considering you're done and out the company like you said and which clearly you are."

"Fuck you Thad, and I don't mean that as in you're a threat or I hate you, I mean that in the most genuine way. You are nothing, cunt. Fuck you."

"I would talk about Peter Vaughn but I value my time so I didn't watch his promo."

"And the saddest part is, this god-awful team headed by Captain Waters is somehow still better than their opponents! A team headed by a jobber, first pick a jobber, second pick, the worst part of the tag team champions and Chris Chaos' non-union Dominican replacement whose ass I kicked with ease before."

"No point in talking about them because I'm not gonna see them."

"One person I am gonna see is Raion Kido of course who is acting like a late replacement despite being the first pick! Dropping off t-shirts, my man? Congrats on the Uni win by the way, you're really showing you deserve it!"

I give two big thumbs up and then have a sneaky of gas.

"By all accounts, Kido should be target number 1 for everyone. It's just the smart move right but how the fuck can I insult the guy? I already said I like him because he's interesting despite the fact he's trying his hardest to prove me wrong. Hie promotes himself as this kind of hero but goes after his teammates so hard for a pay-per-view with no grand prize, yeah, talking shit on Ned and Cashe is easier than Jenny Myst on a slip n' slide but that doesn't mean you should do it! Kido will go out of his way to save a kid from peril but he refuses to bite his tongue against the people holding him up? For what? For a team called Meat Clowns that will last until Sunday?"

"I'm gonna be honest, I'm not the same as the other horses in this race. I was a stallion brought in to replace a horse with a broken leg, do I have allegiances? Fuck yes, I do, does this matter to me? Kinda. But it matters to King Bourbon and Money Oswald, they needed my help and I am happy to provide it and show the world just how helpful I am. But if my sister, Poussey Powers was on the opposite team and I was giving 100%... I would not shit talk my sister you dumb mother fucker! Fuck competition you moron, those are your brothers! They go out of their way to excel you! You steal all their spotlight, give them none of the credit, no that goes on your Big Bad Beetleborgs bullshit and you want another reason for them to turn on you?"

"You dumb, kid?"

"And don't give me any shit like, 'Dick, they would want me to go 100% and they'd do the same to me!"

"First off, Ned would say that but not mean it and you know that. Cashe would never say that because he's a pussy. You WOULD say that and mean it Kido and if you lost you'd twist it to make it seem like Ned and Cashe are the real cunts because that's the type of cunt you are. You dress like mating pistol shrimp to distract people from the fact that you're a two-dimensional piece of shit and add pretty colors and anime to hide the fact that you're a goddamn sham."

"Fuck you, Kido! As you decided to just go ham on your boys, I have suddenly decided that I don't admire you anymore."

"And lastly."

"The job squad."

"First let's go with Mercy because HO-LEE FUCK what a bitch you are! You cowardly piece of trash! You hot steaming dumpster fire of pussiness. You RAN to Madison Dyson to speak on your behalf and cry about Charlie and TK wanting to join!?"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"

"You pussy! You're meant to be a scary monster chick and you let your fucking manager drag your name in the dirt and ruin any ounce of intrigue you ever fucking had!? And even with this chlamydia-flavored Sauerbraten treating you like the world's most docile attack dog, you're ruining the whole cool thing you had by being less scarred which will increase over time until she's pretty enough to be in front of the camera but before that, we can put a bedsheet over you."

"Like a spooky ghost."

"Or a klan member."

"Or since Madison Dyson has noticed that she's not getting as much attention and that Alias is finally gone, that means it's time to enact operation 'New Coke' by bringing back The Engineer but this time is PAWG form! Then instead of a docile attack dog, Dyson can just put her in her handbag and stroll around Vine. Yeah, fucking great just what everybody wants a more neutered Corey Smith. Great job, Dyson, can't wait for your pet to lose to Kido so we can get the follow-up waterworks on how the system just isn't fair!"

"Next is, uh, Tommy Wish who is doing great, keep it up buddy I'm proud of you. Honestly, I and Page didn't need to replace those two with the amount of work you're doing for us. We'll make sure we pose with you post-match for all the hard work."

"Unknown Soldier is a cuck and there's honestly nothing to say on him that I already haven't. Useless, pathetic, wasted, soulless. Not worth my time."

"And finally, finally, Latina Submission Machina... Who I got nothing on either... Legit, the only threat on your team is Mercy and well, she sucks thanks to Dyson's efforts. You've assembled an A+ squad Mamacita. I couldn't have picked a better champion for your team!"

"So, Latina when I personally eliminate you like I did to Charlie Nickles fat ass last year, how about a thank you from sparing you from the year-long ridicule that Bobby would give you."

"Fuck you all, you all suck. Gas has leaked into the office and I'm feeling very faint..."

"Hail King Bobby!"

*thud*

War Games Pt 2

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 21:32:11 -0700

War Games part 2

"In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.” - Sun Tzu

It had been a shitty couple of weeks, sure I won back my world title from Knox. My wife was recovering from her injuries. I was in probably the best shape of my career, but the fucking world was crashing down around my head. Me no likey.

{The Bane Home - Las Vegas NV - “The Intro”

I looked down at my blue and silver swatch, the time was two a.m. on a Monday morning. What? Don’t hate, swatches are cool. Amber was lost in peaceful dreams, or as peaceful as they can be for her right now. I stood in front of the microphone, double-checking the pop filter and making final adjustments to the equalizer. My hair hung loosely, cascading down my shoulders. I had gotten tired of it falling in my eyes and brushed it back out of my face and tied it in a ponytail. I finally feel like I’m ready to begin, so I start the recording.

There’s a lot of talk about CCPE right now. Rightly so, there are many members of the enterprise present in this thing. Why is that important? It’s important because we represent more than just ourselves, despite what Elijah thinks. We represent our families, our home fed, if that’s not already XWF, and maybe most importantly, our legacies. Some of you are still trying to build one, maybe you haven’t had much luck, or maybe, just maybe you dropped the ball when it was given to you.

I raise my hand and smirk.

Most of the people in this thing won’t recognize what I did there, it’s called taking ownership of your failures. I had a shot at the Supercontinental title in a ladder match against Peter Vaughn not long ago, but I failed. It’s just as simple as that. I make no excuses and I hold no grudges against him. Elijah, your attitude is well documented. What was it you said….oh right, “All of Notorious Alliance can go to hell.

I shoot him the middle finger in response to his nonsense.

It’s just business though, right? Nothing personal in that at all. He does have some quality people to back him, not as good as Ned has but still a good group. Ned leads this team, Jason, myself, and Ring Master make up the rest. The singular person that earned my respect a while back from the opposing team is Kido. That one is a very honorable sort and should be respected. To add to that, it gives The Trilogy the current Universal Championship to boot.

I give Kido a slight bow to show that I meant what I said.

Others within CCPE, like myself are on a stacked team. The thing about All-Star teams though is you never know if they can get along long enough to get it done. We’ll see how that all works out shortly, won’t we?

I wink at the camera as it fades to black.

{Unnamed Hotel - Milwaukee WI - “Open the Door!”}

I love this town, but what I didn’t love was surprises. I had gotten a call from Cy Riddle only moments before. He had explained to me that Kat was hurting and she was hiding from everyone, instead of letting them know, so we could at least be supportive of her and her decision. This leads to me losing my temper a little and storming up to her hotel room door. I banged on it, probably harder than I had intended, “Open the fucking door, Katarina!” She opened the door with a coy smile as I stepped through the open door. Kat, “Hi Mac! Come on in.” She had to sidestep me to keep her from getting run over. She could see my anger, I was seething mad right now. She knew why and even tried to give me the “pout of doom”. That in itself worked out great for her because it made me laugh.

“You’re killin me smalls,” I said to her as she stood there smiling at me. “Wanna tell me why you didn’t care to mention that you were retiring?” She points around in a vague motion, “I think this speaks for itself, don’t you?” I shook my head in disbelief, “No, no it does not. If you had told me earlier and I didn’t get phone calls about it, that’s what led to this.” Her eyes began to well ever so slightly. Before she could speak, I interject, “Look Kat, I love you, you’re my baby sister in heart and arms. I only want what is best for you.” I wrapped her up in a hug. She beat on my arms, “Can’t breathe you big bastard.” I quickly release her and we both laugh for a second. I held both of her hands, “If this is what you want or need, I’ll back you to the end of the earth. You should know this by now.”

She nodded, sniffling a bit, “I know, you just had so much on your plate already, I didn’t want you to find out at all. Who told you?” I laughed, shaking my head, “snitches get stitches,” I said with a smirk and wink. “Fucking Cy,” was her response as she shook her own head. I gave her no indication, either way, she would have to stew on that for a while and try to figure it out on her own. She could tell I wasn’t budging on it so we moved on to small talk for a short time. That was when I felt the black tendrils trying to creep into my brain again. “Fucking Jasper”, I muttered to myself. Kat’s eyebrows shot upward and she seemed to grow a little paler. “He’s attacking you right now?” I nodded in response, I could feel the power surge against my defenses. My own defenses weren’t very strong but I seemed to have a gift for the counterattack.

I could feel him starting to back off a bit, that meant he would attack again with more power than before. This was the perfect time to spring the trap I had worked with Whisper on. So, I waited and he did as expected, coming at me with full force. I held him at bay for a few moments and then I let him in. I could feel my body stiffen at first, and then I clamped down on him. It was like allowing a predator into your home and they don’t know it’s a trap until the door is shut behind them and the spikes come into play.

That’s exactly what I did, and thanks to reinforcement from Whisper, we damaged him. I couldn’t hear him scream but I could feel the trembling in his connection to him. let him go, Mac I allowed him to retreat back into his own mind and out of mine. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. “Are you okay?” I nodded and took a deep breath, “I am now, fuck he’s brutal.” She laid a hand on my shoulder, “That’s the reason that Whisper didn’t want you to put yourself in harm’s way.” I nodded, “I know, she told me, but by then it was too late. He and I had already met and he had me targetted as a way to get back at her.” She patted me on the shoulder, “You look like shit, you should go get some sleep.” I nodded, “I love you sis, but you’re a brat for not telling me sooner.” I heard her huff as I stepped out of her room and back into the hallway. I let the door swing shut and once the latch caught and I could hear her turn the deadbolt, I muttered to myself. “If I hadn’t been so fucking busy with other things, I might have been able to help you. I should have fucking seen this.”

{The Bane Ranch - Port Arthur TX - “Kinda Cool”}

It was just another one of those marvelous summer days in southeast Texas. If by marvelous you meant like a convection oven that is. A fifteen-mile-an-hour breeze to go with triple-digit temps was not my idea of a good time. But, it was Texas and as I said, it was summer. I had started on this fence line at five this morning and now it was approaching late afternoon. The occasional mooing from the cows was amusing as if they were judging my work. I was soaked to the bone in sweat and had gone through the last of my water an hour ago. I clipped the last piece of barbed wire, wrapping it tightly, “Don’t judge me,” I said to one of the heifers nearby. She mooed at me in return. “Someone is in a sassy mood.” I laughed, thinking I must be losing my mind, talking to a cow. “Eh, talking to them is about like watching an Angela Vaughn or Jenny Myst promo,” said my wife who had just rolled up in the jeep. Not as the driver but as a passenger. She tossed me a water bottle, which I juggled and almost dropped. “How so?” I started to ask and then it hit me. “Rude Cow’s” She crinkled her nose and I chuckled softly.

“Red, I don’t even know what hashtag cool means.” She pondered that for a moment, “considering who it came from, I don’t think it’s a compliment.” I nodded in acceptance of that, “I didn’t really think it was, but I had to ask.” She laughed at me as I slugged more water down. My phone began to ring, Amber picked it up for me, “Ned?” “yeah, toss it to me, please.” She did so and this time I caught it with sure hands. I answered the call from Ned, “Yeah, I’m down. I’ll see you then.” She eyed me, “What was that about?” I smiled in return and I responded with a smile, “Strategy discussion before our match.” I knew I would need to head out soon, I honestly didn’t want to. I was getting too old for this shit. I knew it and I think that my beautiful bride did as well.

“Hey Josh, is the old man still around?” Josh shook his head, “Donny, you know you’re older than Mac, right” Josh looked at me with pleading eyes and I laughed. I took the radio from him and responded, “What’s up Donny?” Only a short pause before responding, “Mac we got a mare in trouble, the colt she’s carrying is trying to come out but he’s not in position for this.” This just gets better and better I thought to myself. “On my way,” I said as I handed the radio back to Joshua. We were at the barn in a matter of minutes. I rushed through the barn door, Donny was trying to urge the mare to stand up. They typically stand up and then get back down several times in early labor. “Atta boy, Donny, that’s the right thing to do.” He smiled sheepishly as the mare got back down and seemed to ease her panic. “You call Doc,” I asked. He nodded, “he’s on his way.” One of our local veterinarians, Doc Sampson walked in the barn door at that time. “Well?” I laughed, “Pat would you check her?” He harumphed and approached the mare, she gave him a slight whinny and nudged Pat. I smiled at him, “Thank you sir.” He shrugged, “Not like I got other things to do Mac.”

He was quite the sour old man, that one was. He checked her and smiled, “She’s good to go, only a matter of time before that foal will arrive.” I nodded and the foal decided now was a good time. It struggled at first to clear the canal, but then he was there. So fragile, so beautiful, it never ceased to amaze me when one was born. Doc looked over at me, “you gonna name this one?” I shook my head, “No sir, that is always a mistake. I learned that from you, early on.” He smiled, “Well I’ll be damned, you are capable of learning.” Amber snorted a laugh, “Him? Not a chance.”

Still standing in front of the microphone, I continue from earlier.

Yes, we’ll see if the All-Star team can handle what’s coming for them. I’m not quite ready for the trash heap quite yet, so you can expect me at my best. Now, me, and these guys are not best buddies, but at the same time, we are depending on each other. Can you imagine what four people who are committed to a singular task can accomplish? If you’d ever been in the military, you’d understand. I was anointed “The Archangel of Violence” by a dear dear friend and mentor. It’s one of the things I do really, really well. I was fighting in extreme and hardcore matches before most of these folks even thought about wrestling school.

I pause for a moment, looking down for a second and raising my head back up to the camera. The beginnings of a smile are starting to tug at the corners of my mouth.

And they’re going to put them inside a cage with us? This is how pretty girls become ugly girls. This is how men who think they are badass, realize how much a man they are not.

The smile now fully formed, it’s not a friendly, “how you doin” smile, instead, a smile like you might see on a wolf.

I don’t care who I have to go through in order to help this team advance to the final match of the night. The main event is where we belong. You don’t have to like it. Not at all, good luck on stopping it from happening. Meat Clowns? Well, it’s half right.

I light a cigarette and move closer to the camera. Look into the lens directly, to make sure that my intentions are clear.

Make no mistakes about it, when I say no one, I mean no one. There are men and women in this thing that I like and respect. That doesn’t matter one bit to me, my respect and love for them will not change the fact that the pay window at the end of the show is what matters. Main eventing this show is what matters. If you are a member of “Chronic Chris Page Enterprises” and you’re standing across the ring from me, there will be no quarter accepted or given. The stakes have changed for me personally, especially with people who don’t think I matter in XWF.

Backing away from the camera lens, I take another drag of my cigarette and blow it into the lens.

It’s time to either shut them up or prove them right.

I punch the camera lens, knocking it off its base and causing it to crash to the floor. I kneel down so my face is still seen.

See ya soon, bitches!

It's Dangerous To Go Alone

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 20:00:38 -0700

In the outskirts of Narfinex City, residing in a small workshop beside the high, stone walls. An elderly man sits beside our hero, a welding mask over his face and only ghostly strands of white hair peaking from the top of his head. Game Girl winces as sparks fly from the arc welder beside her. A sneer of pain crosses Game Girl’s face as she stares into the middle distance; the constant buzz of the welder grows louder and louder until it drowns out the sound of the obnoxious yet ominous pop music playing over the radio.

Black creeps in from the side, hastily eating away the pixels of color distorting the image of Game Girl as the scene switches into a forest on fire. Embers fly through the air as pillars of charred smoke leak in from all-around. Game Girl kneels, bloody and beaten; she pants heavily her strands of azure hair dropping raindrops of sweat. Her knee twists, a shock of panic hitting her face as a figure approaches. She grasps the torn stump where her arm used to be as a large, gauntleted hand comes into view. Game Girl’s brow lowers; the corner of her mouth twitching as staggered breaths leave her battered lungs.

“Why?” She asks, fully expecting no answer. “Why would you do this?”

The figure says nothing, a blood-red cape billowing behind him as he circles around Game Girl stopping at the oversized Warhammer in the scorched grass. Paige looks down at her weapon and back up to the towering menace who slowly reaches down and lifts the hammer with ease; twirling the handle in his gauntlet and measuring the weight as he walks over to Game Girl.

“Just know…” A distorted voice spills from him, backed with venomous bile and malice as he tips the head of the Warhammer to Game Girl’s cheek. “... You caused all of this.”

GG pupils shake; her eyes darting to the bodies of soldiers then back to General Big Bad cuts of static accompanied with loud, alien crunches of sound show the bodies replaced with those of her teammates and back to Big Bad reeling the Warhammer back before a flash of brilliant white and a helpless scream.

“Agh!”

Game Girl pants as beads of sweat flow down her. The droning buzz stops as the engineer lifts his welding helmet and inspects GG.

“You okay? Didn’t hurt cha’ did I?”

It takes a second for Game Girl to realize where she is, looking at the wrinkled eyelids and fancy white mustache on the face in front of her. Swallowing the lump in her throat she speaks. She places a delicate over the engineers.

“Nope, I am in great emotional turmoil but thank you for your concern.”

GG gently pats the engineer’s hand with a kind smile. He gives a concerned look before clearing his throat and putting the arc welder down.

“Well young lady, y’all fixed up.”

Game Girl examines the steel arm attached to her with a twist and curls her fingers in rhythm to a mechanical whir, a smirk sticks onto her face as she lifts the arm admiring it.

"So cool."

She bends her wrist before forming a tight fist, the metal shifting together giving the sound of a sword unsheathing. The engineer removes his gloves and wipes sweat from his brow with a rag.

“That right there is the peak of robotics. Adamantium overcoat with mithril lining, a crystalline battery fueled by Redstone; strong enough to punch a hole through an adult Rathalos yet precise enough to pluck a splinter out of a Squif’s eye. Unbreakable and ee-ree-placeable.”

GG nods politely not knowing half of these words.

“I can’t thank you enough! How can I repay you?”

“Well.” The engineer hitches his thumbs into his overalls. “I think 100,000g will cover the cost.”

( 0 _0)

“Of course, we can make those monthly payments.”

“S-sure! Say 5g a month?”

The engineer squints.

"You do realize that will take over a thousand years."

Game Girl counts on her fingers and looks up to the ceiling before cracking a nervous laugh.

"Ye-yeah that's doable, right?"

The engineer sighs, grabbing a nearby tool and raising it with a theatrical shake. GG frowns as she places her robot arm back down on the bench with a mournful grimace. Just then the doors open to the shop, and Princess stands bathed in the sunlight flanked by guards on either side. As she enters, a small toad person raising the fringe of her dress to not be dirtied, the engineer halts his work and goes to the ground in a bow. Game Girl rolls her eyes, relaxing her fist against her cheek. Princess smiles at the engineer.

"Please, sir, there's no need to bow when I enter your place of work."

The engineer slowly stands to his feet.

"Your highness, if I knew you were coming I would have grabbed my Dyson vacuum and spruced the place up."

Princess covers her mouth with a delicate giggle before waving it.

"Oh please, engineer, there's no need for you to run and grab your Dyson at the smallest inconvenience. It's truly an honor to admire your work process with my own eyes." Princess looks around at the scrap heap hovel. "Although it is an uncoordinated mess, not like a Dyson could help that though."

"Hey." GG interrupts with a wave of her new shiny arm. "You here to pay my bill, Princess?"

"The bill has already been taken care of."

GG smirks and gives a nod.

"That's kind of you, I appreciate it."

"Oh not by me." Princess walks up closer to Game Girl. "Your friend, Hanari is it? He paid your bill and subsequently broke our economy too."

"Hanari paid for it?" GG's eyes widen as she shoots up from the chair. "Wait! Hanari is here!? Did they all make it here!?"

Stars light up in Game Girl's eyes as she clasps her hands into a joyous prayer.

"Hanari is or was here, flushed the markets with more gold than we can count as well as something called 'premium currency. Your other friend…" Princess looks behind her briefly and whispers this closer to GG. "The War Criminal!" Shooting Game Girl a look before adjusting her posture. "Has made some great headway towards Mt. Final Boss I believe, although his methods are odd."

"Well." GG shrugs. "At least he's got results, and don't worry Princess, he steps out of line and I'll wallop him back to Pyongyang."

"What's Pyongyang?"

"No idea, I just keep hearing people say it. What of The Blue Tango?"

Princess raises an eyebrow.

"Who?"

"The Blue Tango!” Game Girl turns her palms expectantly. “The light in the darkness! Friend to all people! Vanquisher of evil! THAT Blue Tango."

Princess stays silent for a second before looking at her guards who shrug with a muffled "I dunno" from under their helmets. Princess turns back to Game Girl.

"Some bald gremlin fell into The Lands Between?"

Realisation sets onto GG's face.

"Ooohhh biscuits. I should probably go help him."

"That's a smart idea."

GG gives a nod and curls her robotic hand into a fist.

"And maybe on the way I'll find Blue Tango!"

“... Sure!”

Our hero smiles and squeezes past Princess and her guards, heading towards the door. Princess spins around before GG exits.

“Hey, these teammates of yours, are you sure they’re up to the challenge?”

GG stops in her tracks, her robotic hand clasping the door frame as she looks over her shoulder.

“Honestly? Yeah, I think they will be. I feel guilty that I just dragged them here, unsure of what they’ll come up against but that’s what teammates are for, to help each other.” GG turns fully around to face Princess. “And when we go kick Big Bad’s butt so hard he’ll be respawning with missing teeth, I’ll return the favor on Urf and make sure they all go on to win War Games. Even if it costs me another arm.”

Game Girl steps out backwards with a confident grin, placing two fingers slightly in her mouth and letting out a loud whistle. She throws her robotic arm in the air as her personal cloud swoops in and picks her up; flying away from the city. Princess exits the workshop as GG flies high away into the sky, she laughs to herself before smiling widely as the scene shifts up towards the sun shining brightly in the sky.

Beside a long destroyed bridge in a Lovecraftian nightmare of cobblestone and horror; the skeletal remains of a great dragon lay still across from Game Girl stepping down from Nimbus. GG walks around the silent horrorscape, examining her surroundings. She notices the blood spills around her, the scattered weapons and dust filled armor littering the grass. She inhales deeply and exhales with a smirk.

“Ah, breathe in that stagnation! Such good memories.”

Game Girl takes a seat on the ground and rifles through her satchel taking out odds and ends and placing them to the side in search for something specific; a Chaos Emerald? No. Ocarina of Time? Nope. Keyblade? No, you get the joke now right? It goes on for some time until Game Girl retrieves a White Soapstone and begins to write her name on the ground. The sign glows with mystical energy as GG places her belonging back into her satchel. The luminescence of the summoning sign ebbs like light hitting water, casting shadows on her face as she rests her head in her hands.

“Now we wait.”

Game Girl sits in silence for two seconds before groaning and falling on her back.

“This is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring!”

GG lifts her robotic arm up and examines it closely, her reflection coming up warped and faded. Her arm drops with a loud thud which leaves an impact in the soil. She sits up with her legs crossed and looks around, her eyes fall upon a broken statue and the clouds begin to part as light shines upon it; a roar sounds loudly followed by a grand thud and Game Girl’s comes crashing into the statue; Game Boy runs into frame carrying a broadsword and removes rubble from GG’s body.

“Paige! You okay!?”

Game Boy removes the stone from GG whose noises of laughter grow louder as her face is uncovered.

“Dude! Did you see how far I went!?”

GB gives a laugh as a smile grows.

“Bopped you real good! He’s got an arm on him.”

Game Girl flips herself over onto her feet dusting herself off and retrieving her magical Warhammer from her satchel as her and Game Boy glare at the approaching giant. GG cracks her neck.

“First one to fell it gets to choose where to eat!”

Game Boy rushes the enormous creature with a giddy laugh, raising his sword. As Game Girl rolls her eyes.

“GB we eat at the same place every week anyway!”

She rest the Warhammer on her shoulder as she watches GB somersault away from the monsters attack and making precise stabs, a smile never leaves her face and the laughter builds up once more as she readies her weapon.

“Fine! You’re on you dingleweed!”

Our hero rushes into battle with her friend, both of them attacking in turn as the back of blue hair fills the our view as the sound of laughter and battle quickly cuts and we go to Game Girl’s face, shrouded in overcast with bags under her eyes. She looks back at her new arm, her hand pushing down the soil as a caterpillar climbs the metal. She lifts her hand with a grin.

“Things used to be all fun and games.”

She examines the caterpillar and her smile turns to a frown.

“Then war comes and changes everything. It really blows.”

“Like, me and Game Boy joined the XWF because it was supposed to be fun. We fought bad guys here because it was fun… Now, everything has changed.”

“This world is getting darker.”

“And people don’t know how to have fun anymore.”

“No, instead we see visions of Mastermind’s children being stuck in a real war, Dolly is just throwing profanity out hoping that some words she’s saying actually hurt instead of making her appear juvenile and being a poor student of the John Samuels school of teaching, Peter Vaughn is trying to cover up abandoning Calypso by lying basically and Thaddeus Duke proves that you don’t have to be good at insulting people to have a career here. He’s honestly kind of an inspiration.”

“Thaddeus even admitted that he joined War Masters because Dolly called him. I mean, if it was a decision by the big bosses then it’d be fine, but the fact that Dolly undermined not only her bosses, but her own captain by making that call shows such a lack of respect and teamwork it honestly gives me a migraine. At least no one really objected to Duke joining the team unlike what happened with Sudden Death, I guess people realized that they really needed the help :)”

The caterpillar begins to crawl up GG’s arm.

“Thaddeus Duke is a really good fighter but I do think he should check his ego some. Saying he wouldn’t refer to himself as the GOAT because he doesn’t need to tell people what he is when he’s still in the petting zoo. Saying he’s back and it’s a big deal when he’ll be back in two months anyway for another one-off, like he did before when he failed to secure a good ‘retirement’ before going to another wrestling company where he can be above average once again. It’s honestly sad seeing how far the apple fell from the tree; Sebastian Duke was a threat! He was a huge deal, even when he started falling off the deep end, he had an aura and amazing mysticism about him.”

“Thaddeus is cute and boring, copy pasting his father’s promos but with a bland twist and claiming he’s better than his dad.”

“How exactly?”

“Because you beat him after he hasn’t wrestled for however long?”

“That’s not an achievement, Thaddeus, that’s patting yourself on the back for not wetting the bed.”

“I believe you can be better, but you have to prove it. Yes, you’ve reached great heights but like the tallest diving board you’ve hopped on it before falling all the way back down and flailing only managing to cause small waves before swimming to the deep end to borrow more talent from the parent you so despise.”

The caterpillar comes all the way up to GG’s shoulder, Game Girl gives a very light pat to the creature’s head.

“Perhaps lend some to Dolly as she flails in shallower waters than yourself as the only thing she does is root on people who paint bigger targets on those she represents. I meant what I said last time Dolly, I do truly pity you. You’re the poster child of wasted potential and instead of doing literally anything about it… You refuse. Why? And all this rage and anger comes out in such toxic ways, and pretty underwhelming ways. Honestly, Dolly, you have beaten me twice, once with help and once on your own and you couldn’t come up with anything better than what you gave?”

“A better wrestler wouldn’t have let me live that down, a better wrestler would have ruined my confidence in a devastating way! But you couldn’t manage that!? I could have done that! And I’m really nice! Instead you compare me to a mobile game and say aesthetics wrong? How could you have missed the ball so ultimately?”

“Try harder, Dolly. This year is your chance to compete, look around at the competition and half of them are on your level but you’re too submissive to even realize it. It’s depressing, Dolly… And yet you still command more respect than Mastermind…”

“Who, despite being the worst wrestler and talker in the company, does spit straight facts. Yes, Mastermind, I am a video game. Great job. You just keep focusing on not having an aneurysm and you’re doing great, sir.”

“Then there’s Peter Vaughn, who may have had an aneurysm. Peter, sir, you do know who won promo of the month, correct? How can someone as charismatic and hard-working as Calypso be the weak link in your tag match? It’s quite mind-blowing to see how oblivious you truly are, perhaps that’s the effects from being homegrown from a backwoods nothing company and coming into one with some prestige… Some. And not to talk down your roots, but it is the truth… Sorry.”

The caterpillar crawls past GG’s shoulder and down her back.

“Attacking each one of you individually doesn’t really count for much anyway; while you show the efforts of Mastermind’s children in some inane and, very oddly contrive, future war, War Games World Record Speedrun 100% Any% are actually doing something that matters now. They risked everything to help me, they’ve put there lives on the line for what was a stranger. I owe them everything and I will give them everything I have, 100% Any%.”

“I might not be a sole survivor, I’ll admit that, but I gurantee I will get them there. I will do my absolute best to make sure they get the shot of happiness they deserve. And if winning War Games makes them happier, even in the slightest, then I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

“And at the end of the day, we’re all gonna look at War Masters, offer a handshake and say GG EZ.”

A grin creeps onto GG as the light front he summon sign shines a brilliant light into our hero’s eyes. Shocked she stands up straight and readies herself.

“Welp.” Game Girl cocks her arm like a shotgun. “Time to-WOAH WHAT DID I JUST DO!?!?”

SPECIAL STAGE COMPLETE!

The Meat Clown Adventures: SUCCESS!

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 19:52:44 -0700

It was a cool morning. Not cold, but there was a slight chill in the air. The sky was an ugly gray, and the wind caused the flags to tap dance on their metal platforms, seemingly synchronized. In unison. Together. It was a quiet morning around the city, for the most part, with the occasional headlight turning into a taillight over the freeway, and groups of pigeons landing on the yellow lines to pick up any miscellaneous scraps.

Off in the distance was a sustained roar. Faint, but audible to anyone who may have been on their morning stroll. Or at a coffee shop, with a muffin and an open laptop. Despite being miles away, the faint roar rushed over the landscape of the city like waves crashing into the beach from miles away.

The faint roar was that resembling a battle-field from older, simpler times. Nondescript yelling in a constant stream, and the occasional sound of something heavy tumbling to the earth below.

The closer you got, the louder it got. The sustained roar cutting through the crisp air like a laser beam, penetrating the inner ear lobes with an annoying hum.

This was the morning of January 6th, 2021.

A closer look could see a mass of people, many of which were wearing MAGA hats. Many others donned orange colored snow caps with masks over their faces and dark colored tops. Some donned kevlar and other bullet repelling gear. They were yelling as they pushed forward, running into a battle that wasn’t theirs to fight with abhorrence in their eyes and repugnance dripping from their saliva laden lips.

Screaming like banshees as they overtook the gates.

Fucking savages.

And yet, in the general chaos, one man stood calm. As the incensed mob attempted to climb the marble steps hollering their insane slogans, he gazed at them from the top of a landing.

“STOP THE STEAL! STOP THE STEAL!”

“That is enough.”

The rabble comes to a halt, recoiling as if they’d been just hit, though it is impossible to determine whether it was the booming voice, or the light of the gleaming golden armor the man is wearing reflecting back into their eyes. Almost as if the very light of the sun was stored within.

“What!? Who are you?!”

As their sight clears, they see the young golden knight - a wild mane of hair flapping in the wind, a snarling mouth of peeled back teeth, and a cold, contemptuous look in his eyes.

“Raion Kido, Gold Saint of Leo. And you shall take not one step further!”

The savages stare at him, then at each other, but the young Saint of Athena remains still, unmoving before the rabble.

“Stand aside or get smashed aside! Power to the people!”

“Will you come!? Then face the Lion’s fangs!”

Letting out a wild roar like a predator on the savannah, the horde charges in…
“LIGHTNING PLASMA!”

Almost in the blink of an eye, five rioters are knocked down the steps. The few that remain standing look at the sprawled bodies of their comrades, then back at the Lion, who lets out a feral roar. Many turn tail like the dogs they are, but the leader of the mob, screaming in desperation, makes one final charge…

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

“LIGHTNING BOLT!”

… before the Lion stops him cold with his heart punch. The downed protester can only look up at Raion as he approaches his prone body…

“Worms belong in the dirt.”

… and stomps him on the head.

“HIIII-YAHH!” Jenny hits a flying karate chop, knocking one of the proud boys back. Another charges, his tobacco and Monster energy fueled battle cry resonating in her ear drums. She flips him over her shoulder and kicks him in the back. “BOO YAH!”

She stands over one of the proud boys whose entire face is now broken, mangled into a mushy paste. "Hey Rai, these power rangers suits are super cool!"

"They aren't power rang---"he back kicks another, sending him tumbling down the Capital steps.

Angie and Elijah are fighting off a horde a few feet away. Elijah has already stuck one handheld flag pole up an asshole, and was using the body on the end of the makeshift mallet handle to pound another.

The Vaughnemous One, known now as the Saintess of Andromeda, clad in her pink and green outfit, was whipping her chains around. However, every so often, she stopped and tried to pacify the crowd.

”Might I humbly request that each and every one of you makes their way to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion, yet at a brisk and decisive pace? Plox and thankies!”

Instead, someone attempted to egg her for her trouble. Angelica was too quick and stopped the egg from hitting her face, but it burst open on her hand, and sent egg yolk and white dripping down to the floor.

”Wow, rude! If you do not comply, I shall be forced to resort to further violence!”

A volley of rotten tomatoes followed.

”Fine! ROLLING DEFENSE!”

She twirled the chains around her, creating a nigh impenetrable barrier. The tomatoes were sliced and diced, landing on the floor with a splash, like an unsavory passata. She followed it up immediately with another attack.

”NEBULA CHAIN!”

Her chains sprung from her Andromeda cloth, wrapping themselves around a pair of assailants. With a swift tug, she bashed their heads together and they fell unconsciously to the ground.

”I sers do wish this could’ve been avoided, but I’m afraid you forced my hand! NEBULA STREAM!”

Tapping into her inner Cosmo, she unleashed a stream of the Andromeda Cosmos that paralyzed a whole slew of adversaries. One man clad as a Viking shaman fell right in front of her feet. She punt kicked him right on the temple.

”And a #VAUGHNEMOUS for good measure!”

Angelica looked around to see how the others were doing…

For my part, I’m not going to mince words. In the time it took for the Meat Clowns to get their respective jobs done, cohesively, as the team we are supposed to be, the rest of the members in the other teams are either worried about their own selves, their first round opponents at best, or a single one they may eventually meet - which, almost all of the time, is I. What exactly are you hoping to achieve? Where is your dedication? Some of you are making your return for this very event, and you cannot even be bothered to do the job for which you’ve been brought! What is the meaning of War Games with warriors that will not make war!?

The entire nature of this event is for the XWF wrestlers to prove their worth at their side of anyone regardless of the team to which they have been drafted, and many of you have failed utterly, while the Meat Clowns have not. Our Captain, the Television Champion, brought to her team the cream of the crop of the XWF, and this was even before I won the title I now hold. With her she brought Angelica Vaughn for her time to shine, and a former Anarchy Champion that seeks his rebirth.

Every single thing we have done and said is geared towards a single purpose - to prove that the Meat Clowns are the one team that shall take this event whole. I go against my fellow Trilogy members, and though I acknowledge that fact, I treated them exactly as the adversaries they are for our first round. I’ve treated Bobby Bourbon like the King of the XWF he has failed to be, and Page like the returning veteran that sought me by name, and Dolly Waters and Thaddeus Duke like the worthy people I have faced. Because I, for one, mean for this performance of the Meat Clowns, as well as my own, to be exemplary.

I expect the same from everyone else around me and everyone else in front, and one more time, I don’t say this because of the title I have won, but rather, because it is my duty, and it has always been. I come to this event to be the hand that brings victory to my team, and the least that I expect is all of you to do your own. Unfortunately, most of you have failed, and for that, the Lion shall make certain you know what happens when he’s coming to make a point, something of which, I’m sure by now, everyone should be aware, but alas, it falls to me to demonstrate once again.

For I am Raion Kido, Gold Saint of Leo, and for this event, a member of the Meat Clowns Inc. LLC. With me stand the woman that captured the Television Title, the man whose renaissance shall set the world aflame, and one of the names in the future of the XWF. And together, we shall make War Games, and the rest of you all, burn.

Exactly like the cosmos that everyone holds within.

The San Antonio Community College was a-buzzing, but not in the usual way. School was out for Summer, but the campus was still being used for off duty activities. One such activity was a day-long festival, with appearances by unknown country bands that couldn’t even make it onto Spotify… but it was a big thing for the Community. Especially because its celebrity student Angelica Vaughn was in attendance, accompanied by Elijah Martin and Jenny Myst as they prepped for War Games. With confidence befitting their status, they strolled through the halls. They were, however, soon interrupted by Angelica’s own personal cheer squad of the Kappa Alpha Tau sorority. They jumped in front of the trio and started waving their pom-poms around.

“ANGIE ANGIE WE CAN’T TELL!
WHAT OUR CAMPUS JUST BEFELL!
SOMEONE’S POOPED JUST EVERYWHERE!
COULD IT BE JUST TRUTH OR DARE!?”

Angelica raised her eyebrows. This was concerning.

”Guys, slow down! What are you saying?”

“SOMEONE’S HAD A LOT TO EAT
SAVE US PLEASE OH CLOWNS OF MEAT
LUMPS OF POOP ARE UPON US!
IT’S A TRUE POOPING MEN-ACE!”

And as the trio looked around, they saw that they’d yelled truthfully. They gasped as they saw the scene throughout the corridors. Someone had done their very best to leave excrement literally everywhere, which would surely turn the entire festival into a stinker. All three of them shook their heads and clenched their noses.

Behind them, of course, followed the Lion, his golden armor the object of curiosity and admiration by the people around campus. Many of them approached him, almost like in a mob. Nobody seemed to mind the state of the hallways, suddenly.

Behind them, of course, followed the Lion, his golden armor the object of curiosity and admiration by the people around campus. Many of them approached him, almost like in a mob.

“Dude, nice cosplay! Where do I get something like that?”

“Boy, you look downright precious!”

Raion raises a hand, eyes closed, and draws a deep sigh.

“This is the Gold Cloth of Leo, one of the Twelve Gold Cloths of Ath… well, never mind. I’ll tell you later, there’s a job we must do!”

“See you later, handsome!”

“...”

At that last comment, the Lion looks as if he’d just seen Hades himself materialize on Earth, right before his very eyes. It is the voice of Jenny Myst that breaks him out of his stupor.

“Raion! Stop picking up college chicks and get focused!”

“But I wasn’t…! I’m here, and I got my weapon ready!”

Carrying it so that it rests over his shoulder, the Lion is carrying a rather long toilet brush - something that strikes odd among his usual regalia.

“Why are you carrying a toilet brush? What about your cosmos?”

“Do you know how difficult it is to keep my Gold Cloth in pristine condition? I’m not getting my armor or my cape soiled if we come across the… aftermath, of the author of these nefarious deeds!”

”Not to worry, Raion! Meat Clowns! Let’s all unleash our Cosmos! It’ll burn like never before. With our combined might we can track this Pooping Menace down, even across dimensions and timelines!”

All four of them put the palms of their hands together and spoke together in unison, their Cosmoses flaring up and their attires changing to complete gold, much to the amazement of the surrounding students, one of which even stopped reading his copy of Word Up! Magazine.

“MEAT CLOWN MISFIT MANAGEMENT!”

And the combined might of their Cosmos ripped through the fabric of space, time and logic itself… teleporting the nefarious dung-dumper right in front of them. He was an unremarkable figure, other than his nakedness, shame and desperation. He stared up at the quartet of War Games-bound Saints.

“P-p-please,” he begged, not knowing what just happened and what otherworldly force had just ripped him from his secret hiding place in one of the vents next to the biology section of the campus library. “I don’t know what came over me! I swear, I won’t do it again!”

“Busted, scum!”

“We have you now, filth!”

”I sentence you to a lifetime of obligatory adult diapers!”

”And may you never again soil these once pristine halls! You just unleashed enough excrement to fertilize an entire field of crops!”

“You should use your powers for good!”

“And clean yourself AND this place up!”

Raion handed him the toilet brush, which he hesitantly accepted.

In the end, it was one more mystery solved, one more delinquent off the streets and outside these halls. Now THAT was teamwork!

”So ummm, it’s finally happening isn’t it? War Games… I haven’t exactly done a good job at being all hero-like, but after I totes yet unintentionally messed up poor Rubes’ heroic mission, she gave me a little red book. Don’t worry, it’s not a communist manifest or anything… It’s called ‘The Art of War’. She told me to study it profusely, as it would undoubtedly help me in my career as it has helped her. So I started reading, and one thing stuck with me… ‘If you know the enemy, and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.’ If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.’

And, like, it’s true! I’ve heard tons of yapping about how Raion will have to ‘carry’ us. How we’re all worthless and they’re so much better and how Jenny ‘picked the wrong Vaughn’, or ‘should’ve taken the real Lacklan’. That tells me you know neither yourself or your enemy, because it’s based on absolutely nothing! Just shouting catchphrases into a black hole will not carry you to victory. Not taking anything away from Raion, but he is just one piece of our jigsaw, and you won’t be able to solve us if you keep focusing just the center or the edges.

You will watch our Cosmos burn, and you will witness our arrival. Meat Clowns will win War Games, one way or the other. Because we’re the best team. Because we know ourselves. Because we know YOU! Because the Meat Clown army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks! It’s going to be #Vaughnemous!”

"No! Stop! You monster!" the woman screamed as the pistol was shoved into her face and her purse was taken. Brooklyn Bridge, broad day light. Criminals are ballsy these days! Pegasus lands a few feet from the man, but notices that Phoenix was already there. The man didn't make it 100 feet before he was grabbed by the back of the shirt and hoisted off his feet.

"Now now, young man… what do we have here? The last I checked, that purse DOES NOT go well with your outfit! There are 2 choices - you give the purse back and walk away, or I pound you within an inch of your life and I will be the one handing the purse back to her".

"Fuck you!"

"Alright, have it your way."

Rising Phoenix Wings!!!

Wings shot out of his back, accompanied by a fireball, that blew the criminal off the bridge! He watched as his body tumbled to the water below.

Walking back over to the woman, who was distressed but also in awe of what just took place in front of her eyes, he handed her the purse.

"There you go, young lady - next time, try a swift kick in the nuts for starters"

Jenny smiled. Elijah actually did a nice thing for once! Maybe there was a heart in there after all. Maybe Elijah learned something about being genuine. About working with others in a way that is productive and towards the greater good!

Naturally, the main focus for me has been The Notorious Alliance, as they are the first team we will be colliding with - but what about the remaining teams? We start with Viewer Desecration Advised, who is captained by Latina Submission Machina, who couldn’t lead others out of a wet paper bag, let alone War Games. And let’s be perfectly blunt, we are looking at the weakest and least well rounded group of talent on paper with this group. I mean Mercy, Unknown Soldier and Tommy Wish-O… is that supposed to bring the fear of God in anyone?! That’s like saying you have a bunch of Olympic caliber athletes running the hundred-yard dash against someone who is shaped more like a bowling ball than a human being… one of these things is clearly not like the others.

That brings me to War Masters… Dolly apparently wants to have her own war with Them No Good Bastards, while Mastermind apparently made a deal with the devil to get the horseshoe stuck up his ass to win the Anarchy Title in the Elimination Chamber not too long ago. I might be a little preoccupied by War Games and Trilogy going forward the next two months, but mark my words Mastermind… I will be coming for my little baby afterwards and become a two-time Anarchy Champion. The other two members of War Masters are a pair of CCP Enterprises clients that don’t exactly see eye to eye with me - Peter Vaughn and Thaddeus Duke. On the one hand, Peter seems to have at least kinda sorta come around to at least tolerate me after being in a tag match together recently. But with Thaddeus Duke, it’s very apparent that I don’t like him and he don’t like me… things between us going beyond “just business” and if we both make the Survivors Match at the end of the night, I look forward to busting that sucker’s head wide open and making him bleed all over Switzerland.

And finally, there’s the Super Mario wannabe jerkoffs from War Games World Record Speedrun… cute but dumb as fuck. When I first looked at this team, I laughed and asked myself if Meat Clowns really needed to worry about these poor suckers. But shockingly, they seem like the most unified force not named Meat Clowns. Calypso sounds more like a fruity drink than any kind of intimidating wrestler that I should be concerned with, Game Girl should spend more time building her Twitch following than trying to make anything of her XWF career. And finally, North Korean War Criminal… you want to cast a pall over the XWF as a direct representation of that communist dictatorship and have no laws against nuclear arms testing and force everyone to produce goods for the sake of the government and everybody will just live poor happily ever after… that’s not MY XWF and that’s not going to prevail against Meat Clowns Inc LLC! We believe in freedom of choice, and our choice is to kick your ass all over the War Games cage!

The girl cowered in the corner. The house smelled of sweat and whiskey. It sounded of a static TV and a little girls tears. She had her face buried in her knees, her sneakered feet together. A teddy bear sat next to her on the floor, leaned into her as if was trying to hug the pain away.

She jumped as she heard the footsteps on the stairs. She hadn't cleaned her room, she hadn't done her homework. All she had done was cry.

The door opened and she flinched. Through her knees she could see the end of the belt that hung down from his closed fist.

"NONE OF THIS IS DONE! WHAT DID I TELL YOU WOULD HAPPEN IF NONE OF THIS WAS DONE!" He burped whiskey, and stumbled a bit. He took a wobbly step towards her. There was an opening, he had left the door open! If she could run past him, she could make it. She could run until she couldn't run anymore. She picked up her head, looking at her survival through tear filled eyes and what she saw made her gasp.

LEO, PHOENIX, ANDROMEDA.

LEO was holding another in his hand. He beckons her with his hand, calling out for her to join their Saintly Order.......

Jenny woke up in a cold sweat. It had been a dream, all of it a dream. All the adventures, the cloths, the successes.......

"You're gonna be late for War Games, you gotta catch a plane to New York."

She sat up, looking at Ash's smiling face at the end of the bed.

"I had a dream."

""Good. Now get your ass up and get moving or you'll be late. Tell me all about Switzerland when you get there."

They say dreams predicted the future. The flight, the meeting up, War Games.......

Victory.

She smiled.

"One thing I learned throughout this whole thing, is that you gotta have faith in your teammates, despite any differences you may have. You have to rely on them to get the job done, you don't really have a choice. Teams like Sudden Death are a grease fire, and it seems like it happens every year. Replacements, teams crumbling internally, favorites getting knocked off because they can't put their ego's aside *cough Thaddeus Duke cough*. There are a lot of competitors that you don't get to see regularly, and some that you have had long-lasting feuds with. Some of them you respect, others you wish would have a date with oncoming traffic and a nice Pinot noir. I guess you can't like everybody, amirite? I have found that a majority of this roster detests me with every fiber of their beings. I find it to be an advantage, honestly. Guys like Bobby Bourbon get so worked up, they make mistakes. They puke out a promo filled with obscenities and creative insults, but never have any substance. Never really touch home, don't even round third. I won't waste much time on Bobby right now, as I plan on running his nuts over a cheese grater on Savage in two weeks, but let me just say while I am here, I have your number Bobby. I have your number and you know it.

Guys in this match like Jason Cashe, who we face first, hate me. They hate the fact that I have conquered the deep end when they are still dipping their toes on the stairs. Don't forget your water wings, Jay. You haven't even begun to explore the pool yet. You may have a footprint in other companies but to rehash the old cliché everyone likes to use, you haven't even laced up your boots here yet. There is something about this place, as fucked up as it can be. Some of the best talent in the world, and some of the biggest assholes to walk the earth. Usually, those two things go hand-in-hand. Some of the worst hatred I have seen, and some of the deepest love. Apparently, people can come back from the dead here, too! Hi Maddy! Still got the taste of three straight L's in your mouth? Dentists recommend ACT over Listerine. Helps with enamel, and you need strong teeth to be able to talk as much as you do! I noticed that for the first time ever you had very little to say about me. One Flew Over The Coocoo's Nest is a GREAT movie! Academy Award Winner 1976! I think, just maybe, you were trying to compliment me? Awh, Maddy! I'm blushing! Deep down you truly do love me, Maddy!

I am going to love reducing your monster to rubble, and embarrassing you one more time in front of the world.

Crazy, I used to look up to you so much. Hell, you even mentored me once, didn't ya? You even wanted to go out of your way to show me the ropes, saw something in me? Or was it to make me let my guard down so you could stab me in the kidney's and take my Bombshell Title? Or was it you saw yourself living in Engy's shadow and me breaking away from Chaos's, and you felt jealousy raging through your loins somethin' fierce! I would bet it still is. Difference is now, you respect me. Come on Maddy, say it, say you respect me! Nobody will think any differently of you than they already do. We already think you're the poster child of anti-feminist incel rage. What is one little check mark in the Jenny Myst support column? You need to make more friends, but you're so standoffish! You will die alone but something tells me you're ok with that.

I shouldn't talk this way, really. I am making such good progress. That's not something all of these teams can say! Mastermind drafting a team that hates him because he thought he was smarter than a 5th grader when he is the one left eating the crayons in the corner by himself. He drafted Dolly Waters because he felt bad for the fact that she's more of an afterthought in the Main Event picture than Barney Green and his world title win 2 decades ago. I mean hey, it was cool when it happened....only problem is, for Dolly, it never has. Poor thing. Being that mediocre for so long has to be hard on her! I wish I could just give her a big hug!.......but then she'll be out of active competition for another 6 months and all we will hear about is how her physical therapy is coming along but she promises to be back to being a nobody again soon!

Feel Bad. Poor thing.

Dolly's biggest problem is she went from the little engine that could to the little engine with the breaks cut. She has no direction, she is just rolling aimlessly towards whatever is going to step up and stop her forward motion, and then she is going to sit there, useless and broken, until someone comes and cleans up the mess. The fix her up nice and well and put her back into commission and......rinse and repeat. Dolly is the revolving door of dismay, and eventually, one day, there won't be any more of her to put back together, and Humpty Dumpty will have taken her final fall.

When that happens though, maybe she can sit in the trash heap with Ring Master and Mac Bane. It's always good to make new friends!

She probably blames me for Chris Chaos setting her father on fire all those years ago, just like Thaddeus still blames him for his War Games loss.

Thaddeus can't be happy unless the spotlight is on him. He can't be happy unless he is front and center, and everyone is sucking his dick (especially the male roster). He spends more time on telling us a story nobody cares about and how he is the savior of the universe than he does going out and proving it. We came together as a unit, kicked the shit out of some proud boys, solved the mystery of the pooping menace, and stopped a mugging on the Brooklyn Bridge! We did it for the greater good. What has Thaddeus done lately that hasn't directly benefitted him?

Even his retirement was a spectacle! Like DISNEY PRESENTS: THADDEUS DUKE: A FEEL GOOD STORY. All he needed was the ambiguously gendered dancers, a few fuzzy characters, some theme music and a few fireworks. He is almost as delusional as Peter Vaughn.

Nice promo bro, but you'd be a terrible poker player. Lose your ass at blackjack. Be the Universal Champ for less than two months---err....yeah. All of your chips are being pushed to the middle that Raion will be the lone survivor eh? Your team will be lucky to even make it past round one, and you're going against a bunch of gamer nerds and some green card holding blowhard who hasn't won a single match of merit since he broke your team captains arm and took his title.

I can't even with these people. Can't.

Peter, if you're so goshdarn confident, why not put that pretty Supercontinental Title on the line some time? I'd love to give [formerly named Goldi] a new friend to play with! But you won't, because you duck challengers more than Robbie Bourbon ducks anything that won't get him over.

There I go again!

I should stop while I am ahead.

Let me just finish with saying that is has been an honor to work with Raion, Angie and Elijah. We have taken four people from completely different backgrounds with completely different personalities and we have come together as a cohesive unit to be a force that even a Jedi would be afraid of! We are going to shock the world, win war games, and when we do you'll all get an invoice!

Meat Clown tee's for everyone!

I need sizes as well as a payment of $25 a piece.

Oh you thought they'd be free? You had your chance!

I mean, for real, how cute are these?!"

Dominion

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 19:41:07 -0700

Bobby, having taken over the team of Sudden Death, invoking his royal privelege, was in need of new partners.

And here we go.

DOMINION

We see Bobby is standing in the kitchens of his dojo. The place is mostly cleared out, save the wrestling school, which goes all hours in the day. While

Thunder Knuckles

spends hours in the ring, working with students to teach them although mostly beating the shit out of them, honing his techniques, Bobby is munching on a hoagie. He looks bored.

There’s not enough blood on this sandwich.

Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, and Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, approach.

Bro, are you sure?

Yeah, it’s like the fifth time today you said food needed more blood. More blood on your hash browns. More blood on your omelet. More blood on your mid-morning snack. More blood on your pre-lunch snack. More blood on this. You didn’t become a vampire, did you?

What? No, there’s already too many vampires running around in wrestling today, I think.

Nobody bit you?

Not in a long time, but that wasn’t a vampire, it was a camel.

Bobby throws the hoagie to the floor.

I REQUIRE BLOOD AND SKULLS!

Bobby’s skin glows red for half a minute after he says this. He then tromps over to where the students are training.

What has gotten into him?

I dunno, I mean, it is War Games, maybe he’s, uh, I don’t know.

Bobby lifts a sledge hammer and starts whacking away at a huge tire as TK grapples with the young ones in the ring. Ash, Bobby’s stylist, approaches, along with Gary the Wizard, LARP nerd from the nerdiverse (it’s an older BourbonMan, but it checks out).

Do you guys remember this dude?

Cyberjaw and Diamondback look at Gary up and down.

Guys, it’s me, Gary! I was in a few of Bobby’s promos a few years ago! How’s it been?

Cyberjaw and Diamondback look at each other.

I don’t remember this guy.

Neither do I.

Oh, c’mon! Remember, there was the violence, and Bobby ate hot dogs…

You’ve literally described like a quarter of all of Bobby’s promos.

Which means I was there!

Cyberjaw shrugs.

That tracks. Well, what brings you around?

Guys, I bring news from the Nerdiverse! The Convalescence is in approach!

And my feet are in shoes, what the fuck does that mean?

Well, what do you guys know about Warhammer?

Cyberjaw points at Bobby holding a hammer and whacking it against a big ass tire, his rage and frustration growing with each blow.

He’s holding one?

No, no no no. I mean the tabletop miniatures game.

None at all.

TK shouts from across the dojo.

SHUT UP ABOUT THAT NERD SHIT!

Yeah, you won’t have sex if you don’t.

It’s true.

The three men all look at the lone woman who has chimed in.

How would you know?

Ash rolls her eyes.

Well, none of you need Warhammer to never fuck me.

Ash walks off.

She wants me.

Oh man!

Gary looks impressed. Cyberjaw rolls his eyes. Because he's fucking Ash. Not a big deal, but hey, now you know.

So, like Bobby is, what, exactly?

It’s the Convalescense of The Ancient Ones, the four Chaos Gods, so diametrically opposed yet destined to unity come together, in a time of war! Look at Dick Powers.

I don’t want to.

But just look at them, all of them. All the Powers. Dick can swing like a pendulum of power, then go taught and tergid at a moment’s notice, ready to strike like a cobra. A hedonist, who fights to prove how sexy he is, because there is no sating that Dick when it’s been grappled or struck until it’s finished and everyone is tired but satisfied. He’s the avatar for Slaanesh, the hermaphroditic god of hedonism!

He wishes!

Then there’s Chris Page. This old bastard seems to just be unkillable by anything. His XWF career? More alive than Robert Main’s at this point. Spreading the rot of his brand throughout all the business just because he couldn’t compete here anymore. Disgusting. He’s the avatar of Nurgle, the old god of filth and decay!

STDs carried since the 90’s.

Right. Then, there’s Ozzy, who is your pure to form avatar of Tzeentch, the Chaos God of Magic and Change.

I hate how nerdy shit doesn’t get to the fucking point.

I know, maybe we should bring this nerdy shit to the ring so TK can whoop his ass until Bobby gets tired of that tire.

No! Look, there are four gods, and Bobby is the fourth. Khorne.

What? You mean the guys who did Freak on a Leash or the Vegetable?

Neither! Khorne, Kay, Aytche, Oh, Are, Enn, Ee. Khorne. God of Slaughter.

Oh. Bobby told us about that.

He did?

Yeah, he said he dropped the “f” because it was too edgelord.

Everybody completely confused by that line, we cut to commercial.

~~~~~

We know how important discretion is, how important it is to have your business known only to those who need to know, and that’s your decision. That’s why we at Fangs and Mutton Pubic Waxing Center honor those fine traditions of clandestine solutions to how well your balls look to everybody who gets a vantage point of them since you don’t. You can trust us. We at Fangs and Mutton Pubic Waxing Center, NOT to be confused with the Fangs and Mutton Public Waxing Center, have respected privacy for decades, if not since 2008.

Well, since it’s the roaring days of summer, beat the heat with a meat beater special! That’s right, half your junk, shaved, so you can grip your cock and beat off without risk of tugging at your precious pubic mane and risking a TOTAL BONER KILL by yanking at your own short and curlies. Only $120, $180 with a happy ending, and $250 bareback!

~~~~~

We see Bobby standing near the ring in his dojo, looking like a man possessed; quite demonic, actually. He’s definitely winning against the tire, as with a final whack, Bobby inside-outs the damn thing, which seems impossible but given enough hits and pressure, anything will break. Bobby looks up at the screen. He looks angry, moreso than usual, as though an ass whooping waiting to come hath yet be delivered upon Savage. He throws the hammer away over his shoulder. Hope he didn’t hit anybody with it. He turns directly to the camera, the rage of a Chaos God stepping forward.

Check it out, I got new friends after all! Hah, not that I was sweating, but shit, don’t the opposition look weak!

He ain't old, he's seasoned, highlight reels on parchment and papyrus, made his mark on mankind, the Eye of Horus is his iris. Still electrifying, giving all he can, a wrestling god like Osiris, bringing beatdowns so sick people think he's Coronavirus.This dude has fought in every ring and every cage, sold out arenas across the globe just lighting up the stage, he’s a man without time and a man for every age, ladies and gentlemen, Bastards and bitches, give it up for Chronic Chris Page. Last I saw Chris, I kinda sorta left him layin’, grasping for his shattered ankle just howlin’ and brayin’ like a wounded jack ass, if you follow what I’m sayin’, but we just cut out a career that was already decayin’. These days, well, Chris is content sitting on his own nut sack and calling out how big he is to people who don’t know him in the back. It’s true. He’s often more bluster than fact like a quack, but at least this motherfucker knows what War Games is all about, and that we can track.

Chris, seriously, you’re just as talented as Marf on your best day as far as I’m concerned. Just hold the doofy ones on lock in the ring. Latina Submission Machina and, oh, what’s her name, Mercy’s bitchy manager that never really mattered in the history of the XWF. Prudence? I know it’s not, but I want to call her that. Shit. It’ll come to me. Either way, they’re fucking terrified of me already, they even focused their entire airtime to saying how I’m the danger in this match. They’re absolutely fucking right.

Page, they didn’t call you out. They didn’t call Ozzy out. They didn’t call Dick out. Ever. Dick was never out to them, Dick slipped right past their perception and came back to hit them so hard in the ass it hurts their ears. Nope, they called me out.

So, speaking which, let me tell you all about my dope ass little Dick. Dude is turning himself out like he was the own john to his trick. Spitting, spewing, gunking up the scene and making it slick, if this dude was a cunt, I promise, he would be absolutely sick. A narcissistic, manically sexy walking one man orgy coming into the ring, coming all over the walls of the cages we’ll be in, coming down the entrance ramp, coming on everything. Blowing loads all around just as sure as the songbird does sing, kneel and rejoice, commoners, barons, and gentleladies, of the Dick of the King. This little goofy bastard (OMG is it foreshadowing? Wouldn’t that be cool!) has come to take all of you on a magic ride to a special education school! I little place where they could come around and clean up all your drool after you got brain damaged going to War Games and got made to look a fool. My Dick is so big and broad, it’s thought, it is it’s own essence, an opalescent quintessence of illuminance…

Bobby pauses.

Oh, shit. Madison Dyson. I just remembered. Anyway…

Bobby slides back into his bar spitting pose. He has one. Always has. You’ve seen it dozens, if not several dozens of times.

None of you can bear to stand in front of my Dick’s immense presence, revered throughout the barony and on down to the peasants.

TK walks forward.

Do you want me to do a fucking prayer now that you spit those bars?

No, save it for Relentless. It’ll be fucking cool. Also, those prayers of yours, are you just worshipping Satan at this point? They’re pretty, I dunno, gloomy?

TK nods with almost no hesitation.

Fuck yeah, Hail Satan.

Bobby looks surprised, but not in any negative sense.

Huh. Welp, you know what, let’s roll with it. Hail Satan!

Bobby and TK do a no look devil horns fist bump.

Alright, I’m going to keep training to beat the shit out of Dolly Waters.

You do that, beat up that stupid, broken human being that’s been exploited since puberty.

The look of determination on TK’s face is intense. He trots off and goes back to training with those ropes you swing around like a maniac. Bobby readresses the camera firsthand, as you do when talking smack at someone.

So, to Viewer Desecration Advised, and jumping tapdancing Christ is that a stupid, stupid name cooked up by a stupid, stupid person. Just saying. Look, you guys made your point, I get it. I already knew I’m in the match. No shit. I know I’m the scariest thing in the world right now. I mean, it’s why the parts of Machina’s promo I understood she even rambled on about how she didn’t need to concern herself with my team mates, and that’s fine bitch, step right up and get put the fuck down. See, War Games is a special, special event for me. See, for me, it’s kind of the benchmark I’ve carved, year in, year out, and will continue to carve, year in, year out. Statistically speaking, if I don’t eliminate seventy-five percent of your team, I’m underperforming. Eighteen total eliminations in five War Games. That’s an average of, you guessed it, more than three eliminations per match. This, my utterly spunky yet inevitably doomed opponents don’t quite grasp. They’re handling this like, well, it’s some run of the mill chance encounter. It’s where I beat the dog piss out of them in a cage. This year, well, my numbers are just going up. Mercy? Mercy’s, uh, fuck I forgot that bitch’s name again, I know she was dead but now she’s not, but her kinda butch manager that’s has an on again/off again relationship to the Nazi party. She wants me disqualified for trying to find replacement teammates. Heh, first the bitch says TK is some lackluster talent, lying through her own asshole to herself, because she sure fucking freaked out by the thought of TK being in the match itself! Machina, well, I don’t speak Spanish, I’m sure whatever you said was fun and all, but funs fucking over in the cage, you go boom, pow, splat, kaboom, zowie. I’ve heard of English as a Second Language, but never Spanish as a Google Language for fucks sake, just quit culturally appropriating something you’ll never be; by that I mean a real woman.

Pretty much just like Dolly.

Bobby rolls his eyes. He wags a finger at the screen.

I suppose there's something to be said for the people getting eliminated after my team lets me mop up the has beens and never wases making up VDA. The Meat Clowns? That is another stupid ass name for a bunch of stupid ass people. Jenny Myst is just holding on to a Television Championship she’s keeping warm for me. Kido is a chump for having to work with the bitch. Then Vaughn is actually talented but brushed aside so Myst can look better for some ungodly reason. Elijah Martin rounds out the team with the roll of being “the ugly girl”. Yikes and cringe overwhelm what could be good there. Then there’s the Notorious Alliance, who are all coming together because, well, someone needed to lose the opening match. Then there’s the doomed souls in WarMasters, led by Mastermind, who sucks any way he’s facing and blows in the other direction. Dolly is working on her GED. I don’t mean a diploma, she just chases good enough dick to make her happy, and the King’s Dick will stun her anyhow. Peter Vaughn is a school lunch, bland, tasteless, and just there most of the time not offering anything but meager belly fillings. Nobody seeks the guy, but still, kind of dopey he got drafted ahead of Angie Vaughn, but Mastermind went with him, which exposes how much of an idiot that idiot is. Then Thad “I Get My Ass Kicked By Bobby Every Damn Time” Duke is coming out to play? Man, if only you fools weren’t getting absolutely dunked on by the Speed Runners, and that’s going to be one hundred percent of any percent of the WarMasters getting eliminated in the first round. Then, well, I get my get-back on Calypso and pin him for dropping the ball and coughing up a SuperContinental Championship match. I get my get-back on Game Girl, bitch please, I’m the reason you haven’t been around. I get one up on Nor’Criminal, because why not, that dork can take an ass whooping even though I feel like I’m beating Mark Flynn’s dog if I do. Hanari Carnes still sucks, always has sucked, I’d be surprised if he didn’t somehow lock himself in his hotel room forgetting how door handles work…

Bobby pauses.

Madison Dyson. I forgot again, it just came back to me. I’m so glad she’s the voice of reason, fairness, and upstanding citizenry, being dead must have done that to her or something.

A whole goddamn entire universe, ebbing and flowing, the constant of change is the order of the day, and at it’s center? At War Games? It’s me, your King, earned in blood, Grand High PooBOB to friends, sitting alone.

WAR MASTERS 7: Enough Talk it's time to play

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 19:18:43 -0700

PRESENT DAY

The XWF Camera goes live and we see what looks to be an old fashioned record player playing. The music was down low, and couldn’t be heard. Suddenly Mastermind appears from off camera, walks up to the the old fashioned record player, and looks down at it. His back is to the camera. He seems to be shaking his head. He also seems to be breathing in and out as if he is trying to contain himself. He can be seen taking one last breath.

“Do you guys want to know something?”

Mastermind still has his back to the camera. Suddenly we hear someone yelling something from off camera.

“WHAT?”

“I’m sick and tired of having to watch my opponents go on about my past results like it is something that needs to be spoken about,”

Suddenly we hear two people yelling something from off camera.

“WHAT?”

“I said I’m sick and tired of having to watch my opponents go on about my past results like it is something that needs to be spoken about because to me it’s not.”

Suddenly we hear three people yelling something from off camera.

“WHAT?”

Mastermind slowly turns and faces the camera.

“You all seem to think that speaking about my past results, of me losing all the fucking time in my early days here in the XWF, as something that you should be all proud of speaking about. I’m over it,”

Suddenly we hear four people yelling something from off camera.

“WHAT?”

“I said I’m over the way you guys think it’s great bringing up my past results like it is something to talk about. There’s more to talk about than my past results, but that is something that you all seem to pick up, going from match to match to match, and this is no different.”

We hear a group of people yelling from off camera.

“WHAT?”

“I said this is no different, and this is what it feels like.”

Mastermind turns back around to look back at the old fashioned record player, and he stops it from playing, and takes the record from the spin table, and holds it in his hands. He turns back to face the camera, and without warning, he breaks the record in half over his knees. Next second from off camera we hear.

“Oooooooooooooooooo”

“You all, especially my War Games opponents are like a bunch of broken records, speaking about the only thing that they can only come up with when it comes to me, because they don’t have anything else to say. That and of course making fun of my t-shirts.”

“WHAT?”

“I said making fun of my t-shirts. The only reason why you make fun of my t-shirts is because you guys don’t have your own gimmicks of your own, and you think my t-shirts are to be made fun of.”

"WHAT?"

“I said you guys don’t have your own gimmicks, thats why you think my own t-shirt gimmick is something to write home about, well it is not.

“Here’s the thing, and listen to me closely Calypso callopso, Game gone girl, North Korean wannabe, and Hanari I think I’m cool Carnes, because I’m not going to say this again.

“Yes, in my first few years in the XWF I lost more matches than I lost. Why? You guys don’t want to focus on the why do you?”

Someone from off camera suddenly yells

“WHY?”

Mastermind holds back a smile, and tries to compose himself. He looks towards the camera.

“Sorry boss, couldn’t help it,”

Mastermind clears his throat and continues

“Why did I lose more matches than anyone else, because I was wanting to prove myself in the XWF and more often than not, I participated in too many matches than I should have one after the other, because no one else had the balls to do that, because they only wanted to win matches that they knew they could win, and would often pick their own battles. Well I chose Monday Night as it was back then, Wednesday Night and then Saturday night to put myself out there.

“Of course I would lose more than I would win, but at least I could say that I tried. None of you wanted to do that. None of you wanted to test yourselves. None of you wanted to compete night after night after night. You all wanted to compete at your own leisure, to make your records look the best that the could be.

“I’m proud of losing 9 straight, that’s my record. I learned a lot about myself. It got me to the point where I ended up winning titles. Xtreme Title, and Television title.

“No one wants to talk about my record since I’ve been back. I’m unbeaten. And I’m the current Anarchy champion.

“So keep being a stuck record, keep bleating on like sheep, but I am proud of who I am, and what I’ve accomplished, and it’s time for you lot to find something new, because you guys continue to be a sack of old potatoes rotting away saying the same thing, day in, day out, night in, night out. I’m over it. I wish you were all as well. Because you all don’t have anything new to say.”

Mastermind steps on the broken record, and breaks it into more pieces. He then looks at the camera, and shakes his head in disappointment, before walking off. The camera fades out.

BACK TO THE BACK STORY

It was up to me to not only find my team but get them to all join together as one, and act like a team even if it was just for one night, the night of the War Games. And the only way to do that, was to use the Taimarus.

Thanks to Dolly who first showed the Taimarus in her promo, I thought I could find time to show it to you all this time around.

Let me just say it’s like a TARDIS that the time lord Doctor uses in Doctor Who, but it’s not a TARDIS. It’s centralized to a room in my Mansion, and I use it to find my teammates. It was given to me by Doctor D’Ville as a surprise present for what he put me through a couple of years ago, and for harassing my wife Maria.

It did come with instructions so I could use it quicker. I was only allowed to use it to find my War Games teammates.

I found Peter Vaughn at the bowling alley, I invited Thaddeus Duke to my very home, so I can get him to trust me, because the only way I knew he would trust me, was to send him back through time to the very point he really wanted to be at, and I found Dolly was after she had died, and in a state of flux, so I had to use the Taimarus to get her out of the flux and to where she really needed to be on my team for War Games of course.

I then sent her back to where she wanted to be, and then I had to follow everyone up and bring them back for War Games. It was enough time for fun, and then I found out that they had too much fun, and almost changed the course of history. So I had to bring them back.

PRESENT TIME

The camera fades into Mastermind’s mansion as he is getting ready to head to War Games. The last two weeks has been really fenetic, and just forming a team, and getting together was a hard work in itself. Then to get his team mates to fully trust him, he had to send them through the Taimarus to time zones where they felt they belong, but really didn’t because they made things worse and then Mastermind had to go fix things with the Tairmarus.

The rest of the members of his team were preparing their own last minute promos.

The camera finds Mastermind sitting in his thinking chair facing the camera, he has a whiteboard beside him.

He is told that he is now live to the XWF Universe, and he just sits there looking at the camera. He gets up and writes a word on the Whiteboard.

WHITEBOARD Said:
CARBON-COPY

Mastermind turns back to face the camera and sits back down in his chair.

“Calypso and his merry men of a team who call themselves War Games World Record Speed Run, think they can get away with focusing on a member of my team who just talks about himself and only himself when one of his own members did a carbon-copy of just what Thaddeus Duke said.

“It was like trying to decipher something that they thought would go amiss but it didn’t go amiss by me. To me it’s indistinguishable and it’s not interchangeable. So get it right Calypso if you think that just picking on Thad will help your team when all you are doing is forgetting the rest of my team.”

Mastermind gets up and walks back to the whiteboard and rubs the word out, and writes another word.

WHITEBOARD Said:
BELLYACHE

Mastermind walks back to his chair and sits back down.

“Over this side of the world, we call someone who constantly moans, and not thinking that they are getting a fair share of things, a bellyache.

“In Rugby League in Australia, the Melbourne Storm club team has a coach called Craig Bellamy, he is known as a hard ass of a coach, and when things aren’t going right for his team he would fire them up using his own methods. His own players call him Bellyache because they know when they get yelled at.

“But here’s the thing Hanari Carnes, you think other teams have it easy because they are able to call in ‘ringers’ but your team hasn’t been able to, well guess what? Stop being a bellyache and get on with the job, and stop focusing on yourself, because I know what you are like. I have a strong team, even with the addition of Thaddeus Duke, you guys seem to be strong, but I can hear all the cries, grumbles, moans, groans, about you, aren’t getting everything handed to you.

“The only thing getting handed to you Hanari, is your second consecutive loss. And I’ll be really happy to give you that,”

Mastermind gets back up and walks over to the white board and rubs out BELLYACHE, and writes another word.

WHITEBOARD Said:
UNREMITTING

Mastermind walks back to his chair and sits down.

“I spoke earlier about everyone who is always at me about my win-loss record here in the XWF, and that it is like a broken record. To me North Korean War Criminal continues to go along the same vane, not just at me, but also at my teammates.

“He continues to be unremitting, and just goes on and on like he knows if he talks long enough the world may swallow this unremitting babble. NKWC, the world does not swallow your babble, I just see it as a laughable excuse for trying to stay in the limelight, when you really are just rebroadcasting the same thing over and over again like bloody incessant reruns of television shows you constantly hate-watching.”

Mastermind gets up and walks over to the whiteboard and takes off the word.

WHITEBOARD Said:
ACHILLES

Mastermind turns back around and faces the camera.

“Calypso, if you think for one more minute that I am the weak link when it comes to my team, then I consider you the Achilles heel of your team. I think you have a fragile mind of proving to yourself that you must win this match and that you need team members to constantly chat about subjects that they are good at discussing, but where do you fit in Calypso? Where?

“You are just a delicate petal ready to be picked and then crushed beneath one’s foot because there’s no smell coming from you and it’s pointless to continue without a smell. Come War Games I will mute you once and for all.”

Mastermind starts to head off camera, but stops and turns, and comes back to the center.

“Games Girl, I didn’t really want to talk about you, because you are just something that can’t keep going without batteries or power, but when it comes to War Games, my Masters of War will show you what it’s like to lose a game in which you hate losing, the one proper game, that will say………….

Mastermind writes one last time on the whiteboard:

WHITBOARD Said:
GAME OVER

Mastermind stands there staring at the camera, and then starts smiling, before stopping himself, and then he leaves the room. The camera fades out.

One Night Only: Part 2

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 19:13:14 -0700

Friday
7/29/22
Private Medical Facility
Las Vegas, Nevada

Ft: Candice Wolf-Page

It’s been five days since securing victory at the 2022 Cannabis Cup event that was surely successful on a larger platform. Being fifty-two years old is a blessing and a curse when it comes to not only recovery time but just what toll matches of this magnitude have on me. I probably shouldn’t have wrestled on Monday Night against someone twice my size but if I’m one thing I’m a man of my word when I commit.

I knew going in I was dealing with injuries, and while it wasn’t my prettiest “w” it’s one I will take.

Our scene opens inside a private room at an undisclosed medical facility in Las Vegas, Nevada where Chris Page and his bride Candice Wolf-Page are seen waiting for Chris’s doctor. Chris is resting as comfortably as he can on a bed that is in an upright position while Candice sits in a chair on rollers at his bedside.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: Proof positive you aren’t perfect as you lay here on a Friday and not at a Cult event.

Chris just shrugs.

CHRIS PAGE: Eh, nobody’s perfect. I guess I need to line up a teleporter through Kay-Fabe Airlines if I am going to make this double shot.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: Depending on what the Doctor says you might not be doing shit.

CHRIS PAGE: Babe, I’m fine.

There’s a light knock heard from the door before it slowly opens as Chris’s doctor pokes his head into the room.

DOCTOR: Chris?

Making sure he’s in the right location the Doctor enters the room, closing the door behind him to ensure privacy. He takes a seat in a chair on the opposite side of the bed from Candice.

DOCTOR: How we feeling?

CHRIS PAGE: The words hammered dog shit come to mind.

DOCTOR: Well, you probably have good reason to feel that way. I looked over your scans and X-rays buddy, and it looks like you’ve been involved in a damn car wreck. I’m seeing three cracked ribs, I’m seeing massive internal and external bruising, and you’ve got a lot of fluid on your left knee.

Chris nods his head, his facial bruising still present, stitches still keeping his forehead in one piece. Fucking pizza cutters. The Doctor then states.

DOCTOR: You don’t look surprised.

Chris slowly turns his head toward Candice who looks at him with her arms crossed seemingly holding her tongue.

CHRIS PAGE: I wish I could say it was breaking news.

Chris tilts his head back around toward the Doctor.

DOCTOR” Chris, I don’t know how to say this without just shooting straight with you. You’ve got to tone this stuff down. You aren’t in your thirties anymore, and while you think you can keep this up your body is telling you a completely different story.

Chris interjects.

CHRIS PAGE: Let’s be fair it’s not every day someone does a stage dive off a third-floor balcony with me breaking their fall.

DOCTOR: Stop trying to rationalize things, Mr. Page. It’s part of why you’re here right now.

Candice can no longer sit and listen as she states.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: Let me ask you this, Doc. In your opinion should he be trying to compete this weekend?

Chris holds up two fingers as he whispers.

CHRIS PAGE: Twice.

DOCTOR: In my expert opinion, the last thing Chris should be doing is getting back in the ring this weekend let alone the next six to eight weeks. You have to remember the risks you will be taking. There’s a huge difference between cracked ribs versus broken ones; not to mention how quickly internal bruising can turn into internal bleeding.

Chris lets out a small sigh as he tilts his head up toward the ceiling of his room, he closes his eyes letting everything sink in while the Doctor continues.

DOCTOR: Ultimately you need to slow down all the way around.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: Did you hear that!?!?

Candice slaps Page on the left arm causing Chris to open his eyes where he tilts his attention toward the Doctor.

CHRIS PAGE: What’s say I do try to gut it out through the weekend. Can we at least drain the fluid on the knee?

DOCTOR: Chris I don’t think that’s the best idea. You aren’t the most liked guy on the planet, and if someone takes liberties with you I don’t know how much you’re going to be able to take, physically.

CHRIS PAGE: How about answering my question? I am not asking you for your opinion, I’m asking you to drain the goddamn fluid so I can get the hell out of here.

DOCTOR: If that’s what you want to do…

The Doctor gets up out of his seat and heads back toward the door.

DOCTOR: I’ll be right back.

The Doc exits the room closing the door behind him where Candice immediately lashes out with concern.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: You can’t be seriously entertaining this! You heard what he said and you are still entertained making both the shows this weekend? I can’t begin to understand why you want to put yourself at risk; especially for the XWF, they never appreciated you.

Candice continues.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: They guys and girls on that card don’t even give a fuck that you, and several others had to bail them out so they can all make a payday. They gave Thaddeus an over-the-top reveal on Twitter, but what did they do for you or Dick Powers? Right!

CHRIS PAGE: Babe, that’s exactly why I am going to do it. I signed the waiver earlier this week releasing me from being a General Manager on the 31st and resuming duties on August 1st.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: This is fucking stupid.

CHRIS PAGE: That’s where you’re wrong. All the talent in the XWF tried to pretend that I am not a pretty big deal. I worked my way to the top, I won the Universal Championship, I ran with that title and defended it MORE consecutively than their beloved ALIAS. I moved the fuck on and created a BRAND that completely discredits their words, and yet they’re still dumb enough to pretend it’s not a fact.

Chris pauses before continuing.

CHRIS PAGE: It’s because of the level of disrespect they’ve put on my name that makes this a can’t miss for me. I’ve slain the king, I’ve slit the throat of a Queen, I’ve beaten monsters and giants. Excuses aren’t my style, and I agreed to this before I walked through hell with Corey Black. If anything, knowing that I am walking in behind the eight-ball only serves as further motivation for me to cram down all of their throats.

CANDICE WOLF-PAGE: You and your justifications. You need to call Theo and tell him to fuck off with all of this.

CHRIS PAGE: I wish I could, babe. My mind is set and at this point this is about showing up and putting them all to shame. It's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be easy, but it's damn sure going to be a lot of fun... at least for me.

________________

It seems as if I rubbed YOU the wrong way.

Dare I say that some of YOU are… mad?

My sincerest apologies for single-handedly making this goddamn event something worth paying attention to. Why couldn’t YOU do that YOURSELF? Don’t feel bad about showing the lack of creativity that runs through that brain of YOURS. If I were YOU I’d be embarrassed not only for YOUR actions that have led to guys like Thad, Dick, and YOURS truly being called upon to bail YOUR asses out so this show happens BUT I’d also be asking myself what could YOU have done to have made the state of the XWF any better? It could start with living up to YOUR potential. What I mean when I say that YOU should take a step back and look at YOURSELF and the effort YOU have put in, or in YOUR case, lack thereof. Anytime YOU pick and choose when to give a shit doesn’t make YOU great, it shows how complacent YOU are. What makes someone great is being able to give 100% EVERY night your name is booked on a card. YOUR problem rests within YOURSELF yet it’s just easier to blame other people for YOUR lack of inability.

It’s cute because I can tell those that I’ve rubbed the wrong way. YOU made it rather obvious… but when YOUR name is Chris Page you grab those headlines and garner the attention of the masses.

Ask me if I care.

Ask me if anything YOU have to say about me matters when I’m here today and gone tomorrow.

More importantly, ask me if it’s the first time I’ve heard the petty insults that YOU think are clever when in reality I’ve been hit harder by dumber people. Do better… then again don’t, continue to display why guys like me had to bail out guys and gals like YOU. Can we talk for a moment about how any of YOU can stake a claim to victory? Most of YOU speak like it’s a foregone conclusion like YOU can predict the future or some shit. It makes me question if YOU have ever been involved in a single War game. This is arguably one of if not the most unpredictable environment that anyone can be a part of. Unless YOU magically have eyes in the back of YOUR head YOU don’t stand any better chance of being the last person standing when the smoke clears and the dust settles.

I’m not here for a makeshift king.

I’m not here for an overgrown dick.

I’ve made it clear Ozzy is the fuel to the fire even if for just one night.

Much like I am not here for my team I don’t expect my team to be there for me. I know better than anyone else that the moment my name was announced to interject because it is unfair for one team to pick partners but is perfectly fine for another, I knew that some of the mouths on the roster started to salivate at the mere thought of being able to say they’ve defeated the face of professional wrestling; I mean, it comes with the territory when you’re a global talent versus circle jerking with the same group of hands. I like to feel different grips. My point is that I know that it’s a long shot for me to show up and be the last person standing, but that doesn’t mean I can take YOU down in the process.

Unlike most of you, I live in the real world.

… but what if?

I mean while YOU talk down to me, while YOU are reduced to reaching back to last year for material I am still the same guy that YOU said would never make it to the Universal Title, YOU are the same person that when the chips were down wasn’t anywhere to be found, YOU are the one that made a career out of manipulating any narrative. I have made an XWF career out of proving YOU wrong, so what the fuck makes this any different? I could waste my time running YOU down one by one… but if I’m being honest after I watched most of my competition last week, I don’t see a goddamn person standing out, so I have elected to be different.

… YOU should try it.

It baffles my mind just how many of YOU are cookie cutters.

For the record, if I’m as terrible and overrated as YOU want me to believe why are only THREE of you out drawing me as I speak? Numbers don’t lie, people do. Aren't YOU human? I fucking thought so. Go sit at the kiddie table where YOU belong because the grown folks are taking care of some business. Speaking of business, thank YOU for taking the bait. I’m well aware that the secondary champion TRIED to get on the card, there’s a difference between TRYING and doing. Effort versus Results. So, how does it feel knowing Theo would rather book me rather than book YOU?

Thank you.

Fuck you.

Bye.

Moving on.

No, wait- a manager cries about it, and the world fucking changes… How

R

E

T

A

R

… Wait, I don’t have to lower myself to that standard. Only pussies do that. What’s the matter? Afraid of some competition for YOUR “client”. Don't worry, YOU don't have to run off into the shadows, Alias isn't back yet/ Yeah, that’s what I gathered out of YOUR words too. New Flash, I wasn’t the only one that called YOU a bitch for it either. Think about that while you sit on the sidelines with YOUR thumb up your ass finding something else to cry about that has nothing to do with ME and everything to do with YOU and YOUR superiority complex. I do appreciate all the time YOU gave little ole me for a guy that YOU claim doesn’t matter in the next fucking sentence; it kinda seems like you're overcompensating for something. I welcome YOU to try, and if YOU get that itch as you claim I happen to know several places that don’t mind hosting it. The last thing I am is a hard man to find. The question has always been are YOU afraid to take that leap of faith?

Have fun with that, chode.

Now, this is where things are going to get fun because guys, I have nothing to lose with everything to gain. I’m going to now shift my attention to YOU. Yeah, I’m talking to YOU. I have very high expectations that our paths will be crossing in some form or fashion. It’s not every day that YOU are graced with the presence of greatness. YOU have created a lot of buzz but I have to question why YOU pledged your loyalty to a guy that sees nothing in YOU, and only hit YOU up because he knew I was. Don’t confuse this with sour grapes because when YOU represent talents within the industry there’s more than enough to go around. YOU should have done YOUR homework, but no worries because I plan on showing YOU the errors of your ways. We’ve all come to fight for something, and while I might not be able to reap any rewards doesn’t mean that I don’t have a point to prove at YOUR expense. I wonder how YOU will react knowing that a replacement is a name on the tips of the tongue of the masses when that smoke clears and that dust settles.

This is YOUR last opportunity to leave that lasting impression that YOU have been looking for.

For one night one YOU have the opportunity to take all the liberties YOU want because I can damn sure guarantee that I’m going to take mine! Within a structure that is all about being opportunistic, there’s only one of us that has a track record of exploiting that very word. New flash, it isn’t YOU.

Now I know I’ve got YOU reeling.

I’ve got YOU wracking your walnut brain.

There’s room at the table for a few of YOU… only one person is sitting at the head of it.

ME.

My wife thinks I have a death wish, my doctors tend to agree. This opportunity only comes knocking once for me and I can’t think of a better event to answer that door. I have all of YOU in one place, at one time. We are going to fucking find out just who the goddamn man is! We are going to find out who steps up and delivers EVERY TIME he’s asked, and just who brings the best out of YOU when just giving up a sliver of his time.

I’m sorry.

That isn’t YOU.

That’s ME.

And that pisses YOU off.

It should eat away at YOU because it only further solidifies why I am ME and YOU are… well… YOU. Cracked ribs, stitches in my face and body, a busted goddamn leg… yeah, on paper I’d probably be counting ME out to… but YOU don’t know what I do. I’m walking into this knowing that 25% of me is greater than 90% of YOU.

Do the fucking math.

If I’m walking… I’m fighting.

I’ll see YOU at War Games.

Chris Page > YOU.

Deal with it.

Oh yeah, if YOU think this about YOU… it probably is.

War Masters 6: Genghis Vaughn

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 15:05:23 -0700

"The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take all they possess, to see those they love in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms."- Genghis Khan

~The horse's breath steamed out of its nostrils, visible in the frigid air, as it pushed itself forward in slow-motion. Its eyes were wide, adrenalized, showing the horse was in full gallop. The camera slowly pans upwards, past the horse's head, to show the armored warrior sitting on its back. Peter Vaughn looks towards us, an intent look on his face as he notches an arrow into the recurve bow and begins to aim.~

This world is a savage place.

~The arrow shoots off, flying past the camera into the distance. There's no way of knowing if it hit its target. Vaughn is already beginning to discard the bow, throwing it away from him as his horse continues to charge forward.~

I know I placed myself in this situation. I had allowed my emotions to get the best of me, destroying that drunken asshole's face with that glass bottle. Whether he deserved it or not, I couldn't control my rage outside the ring. That's how I ended up jailed in a prison cell.

~Return fire slowly flies past Vaughn, but he ignores the fluttering arrows of death. He's reaching behind him now with one arm, grabbing hold of the hilt of his weapon. The beautiful and deadly saber comes out, shimmering in the light as Vaughn begins to position it to his right.~

But Mastermind gave me a way out of my predicament. All I had to do was step through his door, and there would be a way to change my fate. It seemed to be an obvious choice. Yet now, I find myself here, in a time not my own, charging into battle... the stench of death and despair all around me...

~The horse begins to adjust to the left, following its masters' leanings. It continues forward, even as running soldiers come into view. They're abandoning their line, trying to run away from the approaching attackers. The man in front of the horse looks back while scrambling, running into a flag, which constricts around his throat, almost like a tie. Vaughn's arm braces, ready to slice forward.~

And God help me... I've never felt more alive...

~The blade slices through the air, coming downwards on the first hapless soldier, as Vaughn's face is shown. As he brings the saber down upon his enemy, we can see that he's grinning, his eyes locked on the bloodshed about to occur. We hear the sound of a scream... before the shot goes to black.~

There's a visceral thrill to having a foe's blood literally on your hands.

It's something I've felt before in wrestling, that rush of knowing that you've broken your opponent open. Sadly, I've never been allowed to use sabers before. But I will remember the lessons I have learned here.

Of course, some people struggle with that concept, don't they? After all, Calypso seems to think how he's learned from his previous mistakes against me. But has he really? Or is he lying to himself once again? How many losses can you put on the board before it's clear that you're still as idiotic as ever? I'll admit, he even had me fooled for a time, thinking that he could actually be worth something, but that quickly was proven to be an overestimation of his abilities. And thinking he deserves another chance at me after this match? Preposterous. He blew his opportunity, just like he's going to blow War Games for his team. He was so proud of the squad he assembled, too.

Let's talk about NKWC, the one guy I was treating as an equal from his team. He was basically saying I'm a worthless tag-team partner, someone who can't be trusted to stand by his teammates. Well, NKWC? You might have a point. I've never been that great of a team player. I don't like tagging out too often, and I don't really care about following the rules in a tag match. If you're letting me down, I'll walk out, just like I did when Calypso was looking like a useless lump in there. I wouldn't say I'm completely worthless as a partner, however. I did have one teammate that I had a lot of success with, in a short amount of time. A great tag-team wrestler. One of the best. Maybe you've heard of him: a guy named Mark Flynn?

Strange, isn't it? You say I'm useless in tag-team wrestling, yet I won in TPW with Flynn. In your eyes, does that make Flynn that much better? And does that mean that he's the true champion on your team, and not you? Something to ponder, certainly. Of course, none of that matters in War Games. It's an all-out brawl with no tags, no rules, nothing but chaos. I thrive in chaos, NK. You? You're going to be looking to tag out and escape as soon as you get in there. Afraid that's not going to happen, buddy. Your Flynn ain't saving you this time.

Gamey and Carnie? Barely worth talking about. I mean, I'll give this to them: they're the only smart people on their teams, because they realize that I'm the biggest threat to them moving on. But praise isn't going to soften me up. I'm still going to be coming full speed inside that cage, bashing their heads against the steel as hard as humanly possible. Just because you respect me, it doesn't mean I'm going to return the favor.

I only grant respect to those who have earned it. So prove it inside the cage. Show me that you can stand up to the onslaught that awaits you.

But expect that your blood WILL be on my hands...

~After a few moments, we see Peter Vaughn seated inside what appears to be a large yurt (or for those uninformed, a circular tent), drinking the liquid that he's been handed. He coughs for a moment, looking into it.~

Vaughn: Is this... watered-down yogurt?

Woman: (It is Airag, oh great Genghis Khan! Your victory drink, as always, warmed to your liking!)

~Vaughn glances at the woman, then shrugs and takes another gulp of the strange liquid. It's not terrible, just... different. He wipes his face with his sleeve, nodding to the woman, who gratefully walks away, probably glad to have not been put to death. Vaughn sits back in his seat, brought all this way through many travels, as he looks over at the guardsman near him.~

Vaughn: Bring the scum forward.

~The guardsman nods, somehow understanding Vaughn despite the language difference, and heads out. Vaughn starts to take another sip, then reconsiders, putting the cup to one side. A bedraggled prisoner is dragged in, looking like he's been put through a meat grinder. He is tossed forward, collapsing in front of Vaughn, immediately going into a prostate position.~

Prisoner: (Please, I beg of you, oh great leader, spare my life...)

~Vaughn considers the man with a sneer, shaking his head.~

Vaughn: So this is the great hero? The one who thought he could rise up and challenge me, believing that he fought for the side of good? This is the fool who cowers before me now, with his mangled face dripping blood onto the ground? I cannot stand the sight of him. You there! Cover this man! Block his face from my view!

~The guard immediately steps forward, grabbing an ugly blue blanket from the side of the room and throwing it over the prisoner's face, covering his looks.~

Vaughn: That's better. You deserve to be covered up, to be hidden away from the world. You are a failure, a disgrace as a fighter. What say you?

Prisoner: (I only wish for another chance, glorious one! I will serve you, working for your goals! I would join your army! Anything to survive!)

~Vaughn seems to consider this offer for a moment, looking over at some nearby advisors who are keeping their mouths shut. Vaughn then begins to laugh, leaning backwards in his chair as he lets it out. The others in the room, sizing up the situation, begin to laugh as well. The masked prisoner sits up, possibly hopeful that his offer will be accepted. But Vaughn leans back forward, suddenly stopping the laughter. He spits at the man, causing him to flinch away.~

Vaughn: You are not worthy enough to join me. If you had come to me, showing courage, standing strong against me, I might have considered it. If you would have fought your hardest, braving death itself, you could have joined my Golden Horde. But you have proven that you don't deserve the opportunity. You deserve nothing... but death.

Prisoner: (No! No, please, show mercy! Spare me! I will do anything for you! Anything!)

Vaughn: There is nothing I would want from you. You are just lucky that torture is banned here. My men... will be quick. Take him!

~The prisoner tries to spring forward to grovel at Vaughn's feet, but he just kicks him away. The guardsmen grab him on either side, dragging him backwards out of the yurt, screaming all the way for mercy. The screams soon end outside of the tent. Vaughn sits back, looking down at the spilled cup on the ground beside him. He shrugs, not worried about it in the least. The cloth doors move aside again, as the guards drag two terrified women into the yurt. They're thrown down at Vaughn's feet, as he looks at them, confused. One of the women is clutching an injured arm to her side, with the other being protective of her.~

Vaughn: And what is this? Why bring these two to me?

Guardsman: (They are the family of the man you just removed from this world. By right, these women are now yours to own for whatever you wish. They are your property now.)

~The two women cower, instinctively covering up their chests with their arms. Vaughn doesn't seem to notice.~

Vaughn: So, will they cook and clean for me? I already have servants that can do that.

Guardsman: (No, oh mighty one, they are yours... to make them submit to you. For you to use them for your own needs.)

~Vaughn looks confused for a few more seconds, then finally puts it together. The ace/aro wrestler starts shaking his head, but then realizes that denying a well-known trait of Genghis Khan could be dangerous. He thinks about it for a moment, looking down at the spilled cup again.~

Vaughn: The airag is disagreeing with me at the moment. Take them away and keep them safe for me. I will... claim them later.

~The guardsman nods with an evil grin, and the two women are taken away. The injured one's whimpers are quickly quieted by the other woman, knowing that they have at least avoided catastrophe today. Vaughn looks to feel the same way, sitting back in relief against his seat.~

Vaughn: Being a ruler isn't always easy, is it?

~Vaughn laughs to himself, but then sits forward again at the sound of screams coming from outside the yurt.~

Woman: (The air! It burns! The air is on fire! Help us, Genghis Khan!)

~Vaughn immediately jumps forward, running out of the yurt, ready to confront whatever comes his way. But he stops in amazement, taking in the glowing field of light that stands before him.~

via GIPHY

This war is getting more and more interesting by the minute.

I thought there were a few fascinating competitors already that might meet my team in the finals of War Games. But having Chris Page and Dick Powers join up, along with my partner, Thad? The quality just went through the roof in this one. I know, many have complained about it. I've heard the cries of "cheating" from our opponents, who are basically wetting the bed with night terrors thinking about facing Mastermind, Dolly, Thad, & myself. But for me? Adding better foes is a tremendous decision.

I always want to fight the best, because you only get somewhere when your competition matters.

Once we send the Speed Runners to a fatal error screen, the War Masters will be ready to dominate in the finals. I will admit, there are some powerful teams out there. Jenny Myst gave herself the deal of the century by picking the new Universal Champion, Raion Kido, as her top contender. Sure, she fucked up after that, as she picked the wrong Vaughn, plus Martin proved himself to be a horrendous tag-team partner, but Kido's still a win. The big problem I see there? Kido also just gained a MASSIVE target on his back.

Every single person is now going to look for their opportunity to injure him inside the cage. If he's weakened after the PPV, anyone could dethrone him and ruin his new "Alias-Killer" reputation. Trust me, I'm hoping that Kido makes it through to the finals to face me. Honestly, I like the kid, but that doesn't mean I'm not keeping an eye on that beautiful belt around his waist.

As for Myst, well, her time is limited. No more cheap tricks to escape your fate. Hell, if I wasn't already the Supercontinental Champion, that TV Title would be around my waist right now. In fact, the more I look at this, I think it's Kido vs. an entire team. His partners are going to let him down, and he's likely to be destroyed. So, sad as it is to say, I suppose I'm expecting to see Ned Kaye's team in the finals.

Hey, Ned, how's the nutsack feeling?

Gotta give it to Kaye, signing Jason Cashe, Mac Bane, and Ring Master was quite a feat. That may be the most powerful team besides my own. That being said, I've fought Cashe and Bane before, and I feel good about taking them on again. RM is probably their weakest link, which means I think I can squash him as well. As for Ned, well, I'm afraid low blows are legal in this contest. Remember, protection is your friend... although even a solidly made cup will break after multiple blows. Ah well.

So let's look at the other match. Latina Submission Machina has put together... a laughingstock of a team. Seriously. Tommy Wish? Unknown Soldier? I don't even know who Mercy is. Let 's just put this team aside, because Oswald's makeshift squad is getting through.

I mean, c'mon, Page & Powers are such an upgrade, especially when you've already got Bourbon. And best of all, Ozzy can't run from the cage once he's locked in! So that guarantees he has to actually fight!

I know Chris will have no problems with me going full power against him. The guy loves to fight. And he won't hold it against me if I wipe him out in there. It's just business, after all, and me beating Page just adds more luster to my name. Same goes for Bourbon, I'd love a win over him. As for Powers... well, Dick, meet fist.

Looking at these matches, it's clear to me who the final teams are going to be. It just depends which groups bring the numbers. That said, once I'm in the finals, anything goes, right? I want this victory. I NEED this victory. If my team joins me in it, then alright. If my team disappoints, then we'll see what happens, won't we? But I don't plan on letting anyone stand in my way towards taking the War Games trophy home with me.

Whoever makes it through to the end, whoever drags their sorry, beaten corpses into that cage, you're just stepping out of the frying pan... and into the inferno. Prepare for the Plunge.

~Vaughn waits, his saber drawn, watching as the white flames continue to dance in the air. His troops have formed circles around the site, prepared to join their leader in glorious conflict. The flames finally begin to coalesce, giving us what appears to be a doorway. After a moment, Dolly Waters steps through. But this is Waters as Vaughn has never seen before. She almost seems to be glowing, as she stares over at Vaughn and his weapon.~

Vaughn: That's a new look for you, Dolly. Did Mastermind send you to get me?

Waters: Our work in these times is done, Peter. We were only here to learn of our true nature. To have these ancient instincts, and experiences lived through our bodies, and now…

~Dolly looks down upon her hands where flames dance and writhe with anticipation for vengeance, and then to Vaughn’s glowing saber, it’s dominion of the Universe shining out for all of the warriors of the world to see. ~

Waters: …now the spirits of the warriors within us remember what we are. We are being called now to the war of the future. The vengeance of the martyr. The rule of the universe. The dream of the artist. The strategy of the master. It is time that we be unleashed in War Games.

~Vaughn thinks about it for a moment, then begins a low, soulless laugh. He looks at Dolly with a smirk.~

Vaughn: I suppose... if it's a war you need to win... then I've got the army for you... isn't that right, my soldiers? Are we ready for battle once again??

~There is a roar among the savage troops all around them as Vaughn raises his saber high in the air. He revels in their reaction, seemingly ready for a bloody, violent war. We fade out.~