MEANWHILE ON CSPAN! (which stands for “Clown Seriously Puerile Antics Network”!)

Political Pundit Clown straightens his notecards at his podium.

”Welcome, Clown folks and Folk Clown…”

Folk Clown blows into the harmonica strapped to his neck, and strums his banjo to confirm his appreciation at being acknowledged.

”Welcome to this year’s Clown King of Television Debate!”

HONK HONK HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK

There’s a fucking absurd cacophony of honking all over this massive arena… Even more honking than you should usually imagine when picturing Clown City…

(which is a planet!)


”Before we begin, please join me.”

Builder Clown takes a disconnected arm and slides it into Political Pundit Clown’s empty arm socket.

”Thanks, Builder Clown. And here I thought no one in Clown Washington actually did work…”

”Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” Smarms Enjoys-Political-Humor Clown. He pushes his clown spectacles up his clown nose. ”Got ‘em.”

”Mmm, that’s just not my style.” Shrugs Prefers-the-Classics Clown.

The glasses slide down off the nose of Enjoys-Political-Humor Clown. When they do, it’s clear that his glasses leave two black circles around his eyes.

”Haha! Now, THAT’s a classic.”

”Now, let’s welcome all the candidates at tonight’s debate.”

The spotlight shines on the righthand side of the stage.

”Our first candidate tonight, representing the Red Clowns Party… It’s Acts-Likes-a-Vampire Clown!”

Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown waves to his constituents, drawing his blue cape (blue to show his intention to unite all clowns, even those across the political aisle) below his fangs in a very vampiric way.

”Bleh!” Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown says, before shaking his hand. ”Haha, just kidding. Great to be here, PPC!”

The spotlight moves over the lefthand side of the stage.

”And his opponent, representing the Blue Clowns Party…!”

”It’s Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown!”

Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown waves to his constituents, before taking a handkerchief and wiping away a bit of leftover blood from his teeth.

(The blood is red to show his intention to unite all clowns, even those across the political aisle.)

”Thanks, PPC! Hey, how’s Misses Political Pundit Clown?”

”I don’t know! We keep missing each other.” PPC grins.

…The clown crowd collectively slaps their knee once at a well-executed wife joke.

Somewhere on the Clown City internet, there’s a blog devoted to how Political Pundit Clown’s wife hasn’t been seen in public in seven years, since they went on a cruise associated with Scien-clown-ogy.

But, put that out of your mind, that’s not what this story is about.

Don’t think about L. Clown Hubbard, either.

That is officially established Clown City lore, but also not what this story is about.

”Alright, now that we’ve introduced the candidates, we may begin th-

”HEY!”

The spotlight shifts right and left, before falling onto the very edge of the stage.

”I’m ALSO in this race, by the way!” Television Clown straightens his tie irritatedly, which is polka dot colored, because he’s a clown and that’s pretty typical clown shit. ”In fact! I’m the reigning King of Television! I’m the incumbent!”

”Really? I thought I was the only one who came in bent?” Groans Spine-Born-Bent-At-A -170-Degree Clown. His entire spine is bent over the back of his chair.

His life is a fucking nightmare.

”Oh right, yes.” Political Pundit Clown waves politely at Television Clown. ”Sorry, I just remembered the candidates that actually have a chance.”

”Hey!”

”First question!” Political Pundit Clown clatters his notes against his podium. ”Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown! Currently, there’s a dangerous surplus of compliments and fawning in Clown City. Supposedly, all these compliments are having a smugness impact on our planet’s atmosphere. What will you do to address that issue?”

”Thank you, Political Pundit Clown. What a handsome and well-conceived question.”

”Oh, well, it takes handsome to recognize handsome, I suppose.”

PPC and ALAVC laugh in unison.

The global temperature of the Planet of Clown City increases by one degree.

Somewhere on the planet’s North Pole, a Penguin Clown slides off a melting glacier into the arctic waters.

When it hits the water, its penguin body honks.

”Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown!” PPC turns, raising his notecard. ”You’re a sexual panther whom I can’t stop thinking about. You arouse me sexually in ways that, frankly, chill me to my core. And…”

…

PPC double-checks the card.

He turns over the card.

…He shrugs, returning the card to his pile.

”Sorry, I thought there was going to be a question at the end of that.”

”I have a question. What are you doing after this?” BLAVC winks at PPC.

PPC blushes.

(When a clown blushes, their face actually turns flesh tone.)

”Haha, Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown, you casanova!” PPC swats away that comment bashfully. ”I’m married!”

”Bring her along. I do not give a shit. I will fuck both of you.”

Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown gyrates his hips once to emphasize his point.


”...I will… stop by your dressing room after the debate.” PPC clears his throat. ”She’s… washing her hair tonight.”

The last time Misses Political Pundit Clown was seen was in Twenty-clown-teen.

Pictures were taken of her looking despondently upset, as Political Pundit Clown dragged her by the arm onto the deck of a cruise ship owned by L. Clown Hubbard.

”And…” PPC groans, flipping through his cards. ”Ugh, right… You.” PPC turns toward Television Clown.

”You’re ugly, you shouldn’t have your job, and the two vampires are more handsome than you are. I don’t like looking at you.”

…Television Clown adjusts the mic.

”I don’t think that’s a question either.”

”My mistake.” PPC clears his throat. ”I don’t like looking at you?” He nods, adding an upwards inflection.

”Much better.” Television Clown holds his microphone under his big blue nose.

”Clown ladies! Clown germs!”

A single amoeba in white facepaint slips on an atomically small banana peel and subsequently undergoes mitosis.

“The King of Television should be well-aware of recent trends in Television! Be able to keep up with what the young folks are into!”

”Hear-hear!” Nods Columbo Clown, before gently elbowing All-in-the-Family Clown.

“How the hell is a vampire supposed to keep his finger on the pulse when he doesn’t even have a pulse?!?”

”Look at my opponents! It’s the same guy!”

Television Clown opens his arms towards both Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown and Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown!

”These two dorks aren’t entertaining! They don’t deserve to be the King of Television!”

ALAVC and BLAVC both simultaneously hiss at Vampire Clown.

”They’re both deep in the pockets of the Vampire Council!”

”That’s not true! If anything, they’re in MY pockets!”

That moment, a vampire creeps onto the stage and slips a check into ALAVC’s pocket.

”See?”

”This is the problem! Clown City has a major vampire infestation! Our High-LARIOUS political structures are being influenced and made more serious by the Vampire Council (which is actually a panel)! And these two aren’t going to do a THING about it!”

”Now, that’s not true!” Dismisses Political Pundit Clown, before turning back to Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown. ”Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown, would you like to address your opponent? How will you handle the Vampire issue?”

”See, I don’t like the word ‘issue’. Because ‘issue’ implies there’s a problem that needs addressing. I prefer to think of the increased influence of vampires in Vampire City as a solution!”

”...You mean Clown City?”

”Of course, that’s what I said.”

”He said Vampire City! Which is a Vampire PLANET!”

”Alarmism!”

”Actually, THAT’S alarmism!”

A group of Monk Clowns bow to a buzzing alarm clock in worship.

”We do not know why our God, Alarminos, is going off. We only know it must be time for something.”

”Hmm.” PPC shakes that mystery off, before spinning toward BLAVC. ”Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown! Same question! What will you do about the Vampire Issue? How will you handle those bloodsuckers?”

BLAVC gasps.

Gasp Clown gasps at his whole clown deal being infringed upon.

”Political Pundit Clown, I’m surprised at you! Using an insensitive term like bloodsuckers! And with a HARD R!”

”I mean… but you do suck blood, right?”

”Offensive! Your words are a VIOLENCE!”

”Isn’t draining the blood from clowns violence?”

”Baseless accusations, built on harmful stereotypes!”

”...But, you did drain all of the third-party candidates before the debate, right? All the clowns around me, lying on the stage with fangmarks in their necks!”

The spotlight tilts down… Oh man, that’s… That’s a LOT of dead clowns.

Libertarian Clown could never pull himself up by his bootstraps now.

Reform Party Clown is incapable of reforming his life.

Green Party Clown is a dead guy.

And, as a corpse, he has the exact same chance of winning this race as when he was alive.

”Oh! So, just because the stage is covered with dead clowns, drained of their blood, with fangmarks in their neck, you ASSUME that it’s the clowns that have fangs and drain their victims of blood, huh?”

”...Yes?”

”RACIST!”

”DENOUNCE ANTI-VAMPIRE CLOWNS RIGHT NOW!”

Television Clown rolls his eyes. ”Oh my God! And this shit! All this bullshit about Vampire rights and Vampire equality! About whinging and complaining about how management is out to get you!”

”Everyone IS out to get us!”

”We’re hated and feared and misunderstood!”

”You’re hated and feared… BECAUSE you’re understood! No one likes that you kill and eat clowns!” Television Clown barks at his microphone. ”You’re immortal killing machines with superstrength… that also want everyone to be really mindful of your feelings and how their words can huuuuuuurt you!”

Television Clown reaches into his pocket for a handkerchief to dab at his eye.

”Oh boo hooooooo! Management books me in matches where I might be harmed as a vampire! Discrimination! Hardship!”
Television Clown pulls more and more of the handkerchief out as it unravels down beside him in a pile at his feet.

”Could you have the fucking BALLS not to hide behind this softie, political-protest bullshit! Cry me a river of bloody tears, you bitches! You think you’re the only ones getting booked in fucked-up matches? They used to book GUILLOTINE matches WEEKLY around here! Last year, they booked a kid whose mom died in a bathtub in a BATHTUB-THEMED HORROR MATCH! How do you think this show even works?”

---

CUTAWAY

Booker Clown strokes his chin.

”Hmm, two solid hands, fresh match-up… Now, to pick the stip.”

…

Booker Clown takes out a dart and throws it at a board.

It hits a slice on a board labelled ‘TRAUMA’.

…

All the slices on the dartboard are labelled ‘TRAUMA.’

”Hmm…” Booker Clown opens up his notebook. ”Looks like a Sophie’s Choice match…”

---

“I got booked last week against a feral wolf lady, when I’m just a clown whose whole deal is being loud and bombastic! Everyone and their mom clown thought I was going to get literally eaten.”

Television Clown taps the belt on his shoulder.

”But I got the job done.” Television Clown grins ear-to-ear. ”So, maybe don’t whine every time you have to get your perfectly manicured vampire nails dirty, Edward Cullens.”

”How dare you!” ALAVC hisses furiously, his rage barely contained behind his podium!

”We Vampire Clowns are not afraid of a fight, you loudmouth punk!”
”Except for Uberviolent Psychopath Clown, right?”

…

”Pardon?”



”Uberviolent Psychopath Clown? You know, the one that’s been murdering and fucking every clown!”

”Uberviolent Psychopath Clown was, most recently, the Average Voter Clown’s #1 concern going into the ballot box!”

Average Voter Clown nods, his jaw chattering terrified! ”I ain’t goin’ in that booth! What if Uberviolent Psychopath Clown is in there?”

”Ah, well…” Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown clears his throat. ”Look, no one has a better track record standing against Uberviolent Psychopath Clown than I do!”

…Television Clown squints skeptically.

”Aren’t you *literally* the clown that used to call yourself the Herald of Uberviolent Psychopath Clown?”

”That was a long time ago!” ALAVC takes out a clicker and points it at the screen behind him. “Since he and I parted ways… which was a mutual break-up and not him dumping me, bee-tee-dubz… I’ve stepped up multiple times at the scene where Uberviolent Psychopath Clown has murdered people!”

ALAVC presses his clicker. The screen behind him switches…

It’s a picture of Uberviolent Psychopath Clown…

…

WARNING: What Uberviolent Psychopath Clown is doing in this image cannot be described without giving anyone who reads the description explosive vomiting, diarrhea, and orgasm. The person who wrote this description actually had to receive it third-hand from someone who observed a person receive the information secondhand, and that person broke into tears, dry-heaved, and came juuuuust a little bit. The person who watched the scene first hand immediately burst into flames. Nearby Clown Medical Personnel attempted to put out the fire with a fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, Clown City fire extinguishers shoot fake snakes. More unfortunately, fake snakes are incredibly flammable.

The Clown crowd collectively vomits uncontrollably at the sight of Uberviolent Psychopath Clown doing what he’s doing, with whom he’s doing…

He’s even doing it at a gross time, which adds to the crowd’s nausea!

”No, no, look, stop throwing up! Look!” AVAPC points a laser pointer at the corner of the screen!

”See, that’s me in the corner of the image!”

“Vigorously wagging my finger at him!”

…

”Uh huh. And?”

”What do you mean ‘AND?’ I’m condemning him publicly! And to his face!”

”Riiiiiight. BUT… He’s still murdering those clowns, right?”

”The loss of any clown life is hilariously tragic.” BLAVC nods forlornly. ”Which is why I changed the background on my Twitter profile to a gravestone."

”...Gravestone?"

”In solidarity with those lives lost.” BLAVC somberly raises a fist. ”Dead lives matter!"

”...Okay, so... a lot of lip service and... questionable social media activity."

But, to be clear, neither of you are *actually* going to fight Uberviolent Psychopath Clown?”

”Heyyyyyy!” grunts Political Pundit Clown disapprovingly! ”Pretty sure, I’M the Asking Questions Clown around here!”

Sitting at home, watching the debate on Clown TV, Asking Questions Clown stews angrily, wondering why the Clown Hell he didn’t get a call about working this gig.

”Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown, what are YOU going to do to fight Uberviolent Psychopath Clown?”

”...Um…” Acts-Like-a-Vampire Clown shuffles his notecards. ”I was actually hoping we could talk about the M.A.T.T.Y. initiative… Making All Things Taste Yummy. Did you know that Pastrami--on-Rye Clown hasn’t enjoyed his pastrami-on-rye sandwich with mustard, because it keeps winding up on his shirt?”

”...Behaves-Like-a-Vampire Clown, same question to you.”

”Psssh! My opponent’s priorities are misplaced! I would instead put forth the M.A.T.T.D.I.E. initiative! Making All Token-Taking (Devices) Input Egrets. Have you ever stood in front of a vending machine that only took quarters and you had a pocket that was filled to the BRIM with leftover sea birds?”

”Oh man, now you’re speaking my language!” Political Pundit Clown nods in agreement, patting his pocket which coos with the majestic call of forty-three very scrunched together egrets.

”GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT MUSTARD!” Calls out Pastrami--on-Rye Clown from the crowd!

His shirt is… just absolutely COVERED in mustard.

The crowd breaks into loud rabble and bickering!

”Everyone!” Television Clown sighs frustratedly, before reaching into his pocket.

He pulls out a remote.

He points it at the crowd.

And he presses the mute button.

Suddenly, the bickering goes silent.

”That’s right. I’ve had television powers this whole time.”

Television Clown cracks his knuckles.

”Listen! Both of you schmucks had every opportunity to stop Uberviolent Psychopath Clown! But you both just skulked around in the background… And when he was at his worst, you were intentionally hiding! Because your MATTY/MATTIE bullshit was more important than actually stopping the Uberviolent Psychopath Clown!”

”So, what are you saying, you ugly loser clown?” Political Pundit Clown itches his clown nose disinterestedly. ”Are you saying YOU would have stopped Uberviolent Psychopath Clown yourself? He’s an uberviolent psychopath!”

”I’m saying I would have TRIED! I would’ve gone out there… and, yes, probably gotten my ass kicked… But I wouldn’t have laid low with my clown tail between my clown asscheeks! Which is more than you can say about either of these two bland, boring, vaguely sexy, ethnically ambiguous NERDS!”

”NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERDS!” Echoes Ogre-From-Revenge-of-the-Nerds Clown, shaking his fist furiously



”Are any of you actually excited about this? Or does it just feel inevitable because I’m a clown facing down a better-funded, better-resourced machine designed to return things to the status quo? To take things out of the hands of the absurd clown bullshit and back to your regularly scheduled mundanity?”

“Well, don’t touch that dial yet, folks! Cuz if you want this remote, you’re gonna have to pry it out of my cold, clammy hands!”

Television Clown takes off one of his cartoon gloves and touches the podium. It freezes to ice on the spot!

”Is this fight gonna be tough? Hell yeah!”

“That’s part of being the King of Television! Part of being MR. MONDAY ENTERTAINMENT. I don’t take only the easy fights! I’m going to fight the biggest names and take the biggest ass kickings until my ass literally departs from above my thighs and below my belly button!”

“Why? Because facing the biggest, baddest opponents out there is what makes this show ENTERTAINING, BAY-BEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“Last Monday, I could have half-assed it, quarter-assed it, eighth-assed it against that feral hound dog Judd Hollow keeps as a pet, taken my lumps, got chewed up and spit back out like a chew toy.”

“But I scratched and bit and… I’m pretty sure I gave that dog lady rabies… but I ended up infecting all of the Television Title division with a whole new brand of fun! And I ain’t letting the clown show stop just because the odds say a boring buttondown vampire who feels like his personality got sucked out through a straw would be a ‘better’ champion.”

“You know what makes a good Television Champion?”

“The will to fight.”

“Week in.”

“Week out.”

“Any given Monday.”

“And that’s what I’m doing tonight.”

“Taking on the biggest, baddest, blood-suckiest, mother-fuckiest vampire in the clown prison.”

“And if he thinks he’s gonna have an easy time just because I’m a clown.”

“Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.”

“But on Monday.”

“The joke’s gonna be on him.”

“Hardy.”

“Har.”

“Haaaaaaaaaar.”