“I’m the only Bastard left…god damn it, this was never supposed to happen…”

Nickle Eyes sat beside a raging campfire, cooking a can of beans over the flames. The blazing sun was slowly setting over the horizon. Critters of all types stirred from their burrows as the day reached its end. Foxes, scorpions, rattlesnakes: you name it, they were all coming out to hunt under the cover of darkness.

But those creatures never bothered Nickle Eyes.

He was only worried about the rats who had been poking around his camp. He gripped one of the six-shooters affixed to his side, eyes scanning the perimeter.

“I wish those pansy fuckers would come out and play.”

With nothing in sight, Nickle Eyes turned his attention back to the beans. He took a dirty knife and used it to stir the pot. Then, he pulled a flask out from his boot. He took a long swig before pouring out whatever remained.

The dry-aged bourbon immediately soaked into the desert sands.

“Pouring one out for the dead Bastards…I hope you fellas’ would do the same if you were in my shoes.”

Nickle Eyes never saw the rats crawling towards his campfire.

Three big, husky fuckers that should’ve been hard to miss. Each of the rats dressed in identical human clothes, but they all wore unique hats.

One of the rats wore a cowboy hat in the shape of a square.

Another, the shape of a triangle.

And the final rat? He wore a cowboy hat in the shape of a circle.

But it wasn’t until the first shot rang out that Nickle Eyes realized he was in danger!

“DEAR BASTARDLY FATHER!”

The bullet went straight through Nickle Eyes’ hat, putting a hole the size of Texas in the fabric! Nickle Eyes ducks down just in time to avoid shots number two and three!

As the outlaw rose up to join the gunfight, he immediately let loose a flurry of bullets! A cloud of pistol smoke filled the air as Nickle Eyes fired off 12 consecutive shots, each piece of hot lead landing inside his assailants.

“Well I’ll be damned…three dead Pennkerton thugs. Should’ve figured!”

The wild bastard stepped towards the dead rats. Nickle Eyes squatted down over their corpses, ruffling through their pockets for some spare change or a few cigs…

But he found something far more valuable. Nickle Eyes raised a curious brow as he unfolded a letter.

“You were supposed to meet Jordan tomorrow in Tahiti, eh? To celebrate a job well done?”

Nickle Eyes chuckled to himself as the Pennkerton thugs lay lifeless in the glow of the campfire.

“Well, I’d hate to let a perfectly good party go to waste…”

The outlaw grinned like a wolf as he stared off towards the south.



The doors to the saloon nearly flew off their hinges as Nickle Eyes sauntered in. Everyone at the bar gasped, knowing damn well that this Bastard was never up to any good. As he approached the bar, the other patrons swiftly paid their tabs and fled.

They were smart enough to know not to mess with Nickle Eyes.

Unfortunately for the barkeep, he didn’t have a choice.

“What can I get ya’, sonny?”

The old man’s voice croaked.

“A nice, refreshing shot of information..”

Nickle Eyes slammed a photo of Jordan Pennkerton onto the bar. The barkeeper's eyes went wide.

“You want me to spill the beans on Sheriff Sebastian? I can’t do that, he’s always been good to this tow-”

Nickle Eyes interjected.

“Not the Sheriff- his twin brother. Jordan Pennkerton.”

The old man’s look of fear warped into confusion.

“The Sheriff has a brother?! But that doesn’t make any sense! I’ve known the Sheriff for years, and he’s never talked about a twin brother!”

“Yeah, it’s honestly pretty tacky and frankly, uninspired. But that piece of shit finally went too far, and now, I need to give his brother a good reason to never mention him again.”

“What on earth could he have done to get you this riled up?”

Nickle Eyes grimaced, remembering every bloody detail. He reached into his coatpocket, pulling out a locket. He gently placed the locket upon the bartop before opening it: revealing a picture of his little sister alongside a strand of blonde hair.

“He took her from me. The only person who ever understood me, she was the first person to accept me for who I was…and he put her through hell for it. Now, it’s time for me to repay the favor- by sending him there for good.”

The barkeeper shivered at the calm, yet determined delivery of Nickle Eyes’ words.

“The funny thing is? That son of a bitch would be nothing without me. I broke my back to give him all those successes he likes to hang his hat on. I put his entire career on my shoulders, because that was the only way he was ever going to rise above mediocrity.

He has no physical prowess, no resilience, and not even an ounce of talent in his body. He’s useless in a gunfight, but even worse, he’s completely insufferable to listen to! A long pony-ride with Jordan is worse than shoving a nail through the ear canal: so if you’re ever stuck listening to him, just go ahead and choose the nail!

He has all the charisma of a dried-up cumrag with Sebastian’s face on it.

And by the time I get done with him, he won’t even have THAT!

He won’t even have a face…

Because that impostor flesh of his?

He never deserved to wear.”

That's when the doors to the saloon suddenly opened...

And The Blacque Bastard himself stepped in!

He locked gazes with Nickle Eyes-

As both men reached for the pistols on their hip.

BANG!

BANG!

Two shots ring out as gunsmoke fills the saloon.

But when the smoke clears...

Only the final Bastard was left standing.