Before you stands the monolithic XWF headquarters, that veritable house of mystery oft alluded to but never seen. And before you can fixate on it enough to get an image of it in your mind’s eye, the perspective abruptly shifts to the parking lot in front of the building which is filled to the brim with…..

…..VAMPIRES!

Or vampire supporters. Or the vampire adjacent. Whatever the case they’re all protesting, waving placards around that say things like “Vampire Lives Matter” and “Just because I’m UNdead doesn’t mean I’m an UNperson!”

Against this scene a car slowly rolls into view, and we are sent inside it where Kristoffer Arroyo is seated in the back next to vampire thrall and tiger blood sex energy haver Charlie Sheen. Kristoffer looks out the window.

“That’s a lot of people.”

“You nervous all of a sudden?”

“No. The more the better. This message needs to reach as many ears as possible.” Kristoffer quirks an eyebrow at Charlie. “You got coke on your lip.”

“Oh, shit!” Charlie rubs his hand across his mouth, dislodging the cocaine.

“You ready Krissy?” Alexandria Ocasio Cortez turns around from the driver’s seat, flashing Kris a winning smile.

“As ever.”

“Hey, if they start throwing panties grab a few for me, would ya?”

AOC recoils. “EW!”

“Don’t kink shame me! I’m sure with how long you’ve lived you got some sexy skeletons in YOUR closet!”

“Eh. Fair.”

With that, the duo disembark from the car and wade into the crowd, which is naturally ecstatic at the sight of them. Many of them chant Kristoffer’s name as he makes his way through the throngs of excited vampires.  Reaching a makeshift podium set high amongst the crowd, Kristoffer takes his place behind it. As predicted, a few pairs of panties thrown by men and women strike the podium and Kris. Charlie makes a “give them to me” sign from the crowd and Kris rolls his eyes and throws the panties to Sheen. Then, putting on a game face, he speaks into the microphone.

“Vampire lives matter.”

The crowd pops!

“It goes without saying doesn’t it? And yeah, we’ve faced harder times than these. But that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down! Especially when it comes to a company run by wannabe vampires like Musk, Bezos, and….and that other guy!” He points to the building behind him.

“This match that I’ve been booked in for Relentless? It seems like a vestige of our darkest times, doesn’t it? Hell, my opponent is being encouraged….ENCOURAGED….to jam a stake through my heart. And vampire or not, that’s pretty damn fatal.”

Kris’ lips tug down into a deep frown. The crowd picks up on this and quiets, growing solemn.

“They literally want me dead. I’ve given them every ounce of my blood sweat and tears for the last year, winning two of their championships, and you’d think that would garner some fucking respect! Some consideration! But no. I’m a sideshow whose only apparent worth is as a corpse. They don’t see me as a person. They see me as some cheap goth pastiche, a gimmick ripe for endless gimmick matches ribbing me for who and what I am.”

Kris glowers at the camera, casting off his trademark shades so you can catch a full eyeful of his rage.

“Fuck you, Elon.”

This draws some more cheers and squeals of delight from the masses.

“No, but really….sincerely….FUCK YOU. Trying to outright murder my ass when you know I’ve got a kid at home who depends on me. Or maybe you don’t know. Maybe you don’t give a shit. Can’t say that wouldn’t be on brand."

Kris shrugs sardonically.

"And then there’s the Billionaire’s trigger man for this match. I mean, what, was Beetlejizz not down for a second paycheck? Christ almighty.

Nah, instead we got this GUY, guy being the generic operative word because we know fuck all about him aside from the fact that he’s rich, white, and has an ego. Literally a create a wrestler out of the newest XWF video game. But isn’t this just so fitting. Doesn’t it just make the most damn sense that out of everyone the billionaires would chose to kill me it’s their platonic ideal: a good looking wealthy caucasian who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Take out the “good looking” part and you’ve got a spitting image of a certain triumvirate of you-know-who’s.

Listen Deacon, I’m not going to pull that hacky shit and say that I assume you suck because I’ve never heard of you. You could be decent. You could even be good. But my friend you are just quintessentially in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Because Kristoffer Arroyo is mad as hell. And when Kristoffer Arroyo is mad as hell it knocks on the dam holding back all those impulses I’ve been trying to squelch for months. You see Deke, I’ve been trying to better myself. I’ve been trying to be a better role model for my ward Matty.

But shit like this?

It makes me want to drown the world in blood.”

The crowd whoops.

“Thankfully for you, today I’m settling for drowning this statue of Elon.”

Kris gestures behind him at the statue of Musk standing outside the HQ. The crowd of vampires pick up buckets of blood and brushes and start heading for the statue.

“But I’m warning you motherfucker….”

A bucket of blood splashes mightily against the statue.

“If you even think of getting frisky, if you even ponder taking me out for good, these fangs come out right quick to make a mess of those good looks. And Deke, I’ve had 300 years to hone my craft. You think you’re the first one coming to take a shot at the king? I’ve got a whole line of ugly I could show you.

Now run tell that, rich boy.”

The shot fades out on the crimson soaked effigy of Elon Musk.