SAFARI STU: WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?
Episode 1: Call Me Nimrod

Church bells chime as the camera pans from a very modern looking Catholic basilica to the smiling face of Safari Stu.





“G'day mates! Welcome to the first webisode of my new series, Safari Stu: Who The Heck Are You? And not to be a spoil sport, but I'm gonna give you the answer to that question right here and now:

The name's Stu, and I'm fixin’ to be the greatest hunter the world has ever seen!

Usually when you see me out and about I’ll be in something a lil’ more practical for the huntin’ business. But as it’s me first episode I wanted to put on me Sunday best for you all! It's chafing a little bit up me clacker but that's the price you have to pay sometimes for a good hunt!

Today I'm in Poland huntin’ a critter that has actually already dropped dead! But your pal Stu here ain't no latte-sipper, so there’s no need to be afraid. C’mon!”

Our hero, Safari Stu, trots off towards the building.

At the entrance, he is eyed suspiciously by some of the attendants who say something to him in Polish.

Stu just smiles back and acts like he belongs there.

Once he is out of their earshot, he turns and speaks to the camera.

“These Jesus types can be a buncha drongos at times. But the good news is, we made it inside without any issue. Now this building here is one of the Divine Mercy Sanctuaries, founded by an old lass named Saint Faustina. There's a couple o’ these sanctuaries around but this one is a bit special. It's where the remains of Faustina herself have been interred! And that… is what we're huntin’!

Now… which way to the ghostly remains?”

Stu continues to wander around the building in hunt of Faustina's corpse.

Orange candlelight floods from the entrance to the main chapel as if some sort of sign.

Stu walks past it about six times before stopping to ask a nun for help.

“Which way to the spooky ghost, mate?”

The woman stares at him blankly.

“Saint Faustina?”

The nun points at the chapel entrance which now flashes with technicolour lights that scream ‘I'm in here!’

Stu gives a thumbs up.

He pulls out a crossbow from parts unknown and heads off to the chapel.

The nun screams at the sight of the weapon and runs off.

As Stu gets close to the chapel, sirens begin blaring throughout the basilica.

“Crikey! They're onto me! I reckon they’re tryin’ ta protect the supernatural horror just through here. Now, lucky for me, this here crossbow o’ mine ain't too good at killin’ spectres and phantoms and such. It's got a much more practical use!”

He cocks a bolt into the bow and dive rolls through the door to the chapel.

TWANG!

He lets loose a shot and it clips a priest by their tunic and pins them against the wall.

“Take that, kiddie fiddler!”

Another priest looks on in horror as Safari Stu fires a bolt in his direction too.

TWANG!

The priest ducks just in time for Stu's crossbolt to take the biretta from his head.

“Bugger! Missed the ratbag!”

Yelling voices closed in from outside the chapel and stomping feet accompanied them.

“Strewth, these Catholic perverts move fast! I better get on with the incantation to summon Saint Faustina so I can destroy her wicked spirit and stop’ her from gettin’ involved in all our human affairs from the grave!”

He trades in the crossbow for a guitar that he kept in his inventory and begins to strum.

“Oi you bloody spirit, mate
Stop bein’ such a wanker!
Don't you chuck a sickie
‘Fore I drop you like an anchor!”

A swirling ball of energy begins to form in the middle of the chapel.

The biretta-less priest drops to the ground and starts grovelling before its divine mercy.

“It looks like it's working! Let's keep going!

Oi you bloody spirit, mate
Hear my voice like thunder!
I summon you into this church
To send you back down under!”

Suddenly, the light morphs!

The apparition of a woman appears in heavenly form.

She lets out a scary ‘OOOOOOOOOH!’

“It's the ghost of Saint Faustina! Now that we know it's really here, we can destroy its physical remains and send the ghost back to the other side! Wikipedia told me this crone's corpse is buried under the picture of Jesus on the back wall! There's only one way to get through that wall…”

Stu produces a grenade.

“Fire in the hole!”

He tosses the grenade through the air, where it passes right through the ectoplasmic body of Saint Faustina.

Security files in to prevent Stu from destroying their eternal mother.

They're too late!

KAAAABOOOOOOM!

The grenade explodes against the picture of Jesus, causing everyone to hit the deck.

In the chaos, Stu jumps over the fallen bodies of Catholic footsoldiers and flees the scene.

He keeps on running until he eventually finds safety, hiding in a hedge some distance from the basilica.

“Cor blimey! That was a close one! I don't know if I got all of the remains, so I might need to head back for another touch up. But I reckon I got at least a couple o’ Saint Faustina's acolytes for sure! The world's a safer place for kiddos with a few less Catholic priests in it, so that sounds like a good day's work to me!

Based on how easily I did these guys in, it should be no sweat to hunt down another of Faustina's demon babies like this Abel Gracie fella on Anarchy. I'll keep fightin’ the good fight for kiddos against the Catholic Church in the process!

Thanks for tunin’ in to me first episode! Like and subscribe, and tell ya friends and family about me! Safari Stu has got a lil’ somethin’ for everyone!

Happy huntin’ everybody!”