Space.

The final FUNtier!

A fleet of golden starships glide through the cosmos.

The Emperor’s Herald, General Toh-Me Gu-hun, stands on the bridge of the Kieranian flagship Y4-1301.

“Mindless Drone #7! Estimated time of arrival to our next conquest!”

One of the identical, featureless golden drones spins toward Guh-hun!

“Five minutes, General!”

“Visuals!” Gu-hun claps! A small periscope drops down… he looks through it.

Through its lens, he examines…

A Planet! With a Big Happy Face, whistling, bouncing as it scrubs its back with a big rubber-ducky-shaped loofah!

Suddenly, the Planetary Face catches Gu-hun looking!

”EEEEEEEEEEEEK!” The Planet shuts a shower curtain!

Gu-Hun shoves the periscope upwards!

“What was that, General!?!” Asks Mindless Drone #9, observing this loony-toony buffoonery on-screen! ““Some sort of… plastic defensive shield?!?”

“No, drone! Even worse… this disgusting planet believes in… Hue-MORR!”

The drones gasp, horrified!

---

EXTERIOR: Clown City!

Which is a planet!

Don’t question it!

Across millions of television screens, Clown City’s most hilarious sitcom, Mr. Serious Clown plays.

“Honey, have you seen my tax returns?”

The studio audience erupts into laughter.

A kazoo comes from the speakers, interrupting the feed as News Clown appears on-screen.

“BREAKING NEWSSSSSS!” He splutters with a comical lisp and outrageous volumes of spittle, ”Ssssso ssssssssorry to sssusspend the sssssshow!”

His co-anchor, Co-Anchor Clown, hits a button! Two windshield wipers drop to brush the spittle off his eyes!

“Say the News, News Clown! Don’t spray the News!”

“Clown Ccccccity is under attack by the evil racccccce known as the Kieranians!”

A picture pops up next to News Clown…




“Featured here is…” News Clown checks his notes… “Chrissssss Pine from Star Trek! But THISsssss issssss their leader!”



“Everyone, sssssstay indoorsssss and sssssstock plenty of cream pies! Not just for sssssusssssstenance, but sssssself-defenssssssse!”

“And now, sssssome ssssssomber mussssssic as we faccccccce our world’ssssssss potential end…”

News Clown guffaws as he pulls out a vibraslap and goes to town.

Co-Anchor Clown somberly removes his hat.

Under the hat is a tiny Clown dressed like an obviously fake toupee.

“It’s a living.”

---

STAR-WIPE into The Big Top, home to the President of Clown City!

President Clown stares out the window, his back to his lackeys.

“Mr. Clown President, sir.” A Clown in camouflage bellows…

“Who said that?!?” President Clown looks around…

The Clown unclips his camouflage suspenders! His pants drop, now standing in the Oval-Like-an-Egg Office in nothing but his drawers.

Not ‘underwear’, his crotch is covered by a giant drawer.

“Ah! Secretary-of-Defense-and-Wordplay Clown!” President Clown nods, suddenly able to spot the previously-camouflagued clown! “Where have you been!?!”

“In front of you, sir!”

“Excellent. By the way, your fly’s open.”

Secretary-of-Defense-and-Wordplay Clown blushes and shuts his drawer with a honk!

“Enough tomfoolery! We need tom-wisdom-dry! What’s your plan?!”

“I’d say we play chess around these Kieranians and be the ones to KING them!”

“That’s checkers, you buffoon!” Correction Clown corrects from his Correcting Chair.

“Enough squabbling!” President Clown signs a bill illegalizing squabbling.

The bill grows legs, runs to the Clown House, passes unanimously, runs to the Senate, dies in the Senate.

“Those damn Clowns in Congress…” President Clown grumbles, quickly signing a bill to ban Clown Congress… before spinning back toward his Defense Clowns!

“Space Clown, what of our planetary defenses?”

A clown in an astronaut outfit wipes the fog from inside his helmet, “They somehow slipped past our space marbles!”

“They slipped!” Secretary-of-Defense-and-Wordplay Clown fist-pumps! ”Excellent news, sir!”

“Slipped past, you dolt!” Correction Clown corrects, “Meaning they’re on their way!”

“Don’t worry!” Space Clown throws a casual hand, ”We’ve contacted The Mimes who live on the moon to construct a large wall that the Kieranians will crash into!”

“Will the wall be painted to look like a tunnel in the side of a big mountain?”

“Naturally, sir!”

---

FLASH-CUT TO: A bunch of dead mimes floating in space.

---

“A foolproof plan!!” Space Clown says confidently.

A snort of laughter is muffled as Schadenfruede Clown sits on top of a cabinet, watching the proceedings whilst enjoying some popcorn.

“Those mimes couldn’t pretend to wrestle their way out of a glass paper bag!” Defense Clown states, ”Plus, I think they’re our sworn enemy?”

“Of course, after the Space Civil War where they claimed space independence.” Space Clown adds, suddenly rethinking giving the Mimes military secrets in exchange for their aid.

“Enough lore drops!” President Clown bangs his desk, ”The only canon I want to see is ones aiming at those Kieranians!”

“Stellar wordplay, sir!” Defense Clown gives a traditional salute, honking his nose. “I’ll contact the armies right away!”

Defense Clown rolls up his sleevies, ”Armies! Get to work!”

“YES SIR!” His hands turn to him, mimicking mouths. And Defense Clown walks out the room, his arms outstretched like a Frankenstein.

“Frankenstein’s Monster!” Corrects the douche who should remember who’s narrating this story.

---

Batman logo transition to Clown City military training grounds!

“Right!”Drill Sergeant Clown barks at his platoon, ”You lousy bunch of Punchinellos, drop and give me a tight five!”

The clowns troops drop to their stomachs.

“WHAT’S! THE! DEAL! WITH! AIRPLANE! PEANUTS!?” They say in unison.

The drill sergeant spots a soldier whispering to another, ”Private Conversation, what are you talking about!?”

The private stands to attention, ”None of your business, sir!”

“OUTSTANDING!” Drill Sergeant Clown yells before stomping over to a clown holding a rifle, “Check and load your rifle, maggot!”

The soldier salutes before his hands bend and twist the rifle around with a rubbery noise before he produces a balloon dog! The drill sergeant inspects it with precision.

“I wanted a giraffe!” He pops the “rifle”! It zooms through the air to the soldier’s dismay, “WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION!?”

“WHAT-WAS-THAT-SERGEANT!? Zzt” A blocky beret-wearing clown robot asks as sparks shoot from him.

Drill Sergeant Clown scans the line… and sees Ennui Clown looking dour.

“Who let this sad sack in here?”

Ennui Clown eyes at the sad-faced sack he’s holding.

“…I brought it from home...”

The drill sergeant salutes as the major enters the barracks. “Major! You honor us with your presence!” He says as the major hands each soldier a gift.

KABOOOOOM!!!!

A distant explosion! The clowns rush outside to see several pods crashing down! Kieranians zerg-rushing out!

“COMPANY!” Major Clown bellows!

The defensive line stands in line formation as the Kieranians run down hill, charging.

“RIGHT DRESS!”

They all straighten the ball gowns and sundresses they’re wearing

“PRESENT ARMS!”

They collectively roll up their sleeves and show their bare arms!

“ENGAGE!”

The clowns get down on one knee, pulling out engagement rings.

Most are immediately plowed over or meet the end of bayonets but one Kieranian does accept the proposal from Romance Clown, hopefully we will see more of them and this lesson of love blooming on the battlefield could lead to an everlasting peace between these two r-They’re dead. Nevermind.

---

From above the battlefield, General Toh-Me Guh-Hun nods approvingly…

“They’ll be extinct in minutes.”

“Sir!” Salutes Drone #8! “Our Emperor is on hailing frequency!”

“Put him on screen.”



“Emperor! You seek an update on our invasion efforts?”

“Uhhhhhh, NO? I was calling to order a PIZZA?”

“...This is a military vessel, Emperor. We don’t… deliver pizza.”

“Uhhhhh I know? I was being FUNNY?”

“Oh…” Toh-Me clears his throat politely. “Ah. Haha. Ha.”

“SILENCE! Show me the invasion effort!”

---

The Kieranians are firing wildly into the Clown Army!

The Clowns walk side-to-side, spinning around and heading the opposite direction like a circus shooting gallery!

A Kieranian charges and shoves his bayonet forward!

He pulls back his bayonet… Covered in grilled chicken?!?

Before him, Food-Cart Clown wheels his cart across the battlefield! “Skewered chicken! Getcha skewered chicken!”

---

President Clown scans the battlefield through  binoculars… he pulls the binoculars away from his eyes…

“Dammit!”

Two black circles around his eyes.

“General Clown!” President Clown barks at the clown with a rainbow insignia pinned to his chest! “You told me you had a well-trained clown army!”

“I do, sir! But they’re not out there!”

“Well, where are they?!?”

“Still in the well I trained them in!”

General Clown points behind him… At a well that sounds like a hundred-thousand clowns marching in unison!

---

A Kieranian pulls the pin off a grenade and hucks it!

It sails across the battlefield!

…Caught by Centerfielder Clown! Centerfielder Clown tosses it back!

…The Kieranian grenadier peers confused…

“WHADDYA WAITING FOR?” Screams Baserunning-Coach Clown! “RUN HOME!”

The Kieranian charges toward home plate, as Catcher Clown catches the ball!

The Kieranian bowls him over!

“SAFE!” Calls Umpire Clown!

The Kieranian pumps his fist triumphantly…

…Before he sees the grenade he tossed at his fe-

KABOOM!

“YER OUT!”

Scorekeeper Clown excitedly charges over to the scoreboard and turns the number of Kieranian casualties to ONE!

Versus the… MILLIONS of clown casualties.

---

“President Clown!” General Clown salutes! “Good news! I got those well-trained clowns out of the well!”

“Thank God Clown! Tell them to fall in!”

General Clown spins around!

“You heard him, men! Fall in!”

The Clown Calvary, one-by-one, fall back into the well.

…President Clown smacks his forehead.

---

“Excellent.” Toh-Me turns back toward his Emperor on the hologram screen, pleased at this seemingly effortless conquest. “Fear not, General… This battle will soon be ours!”

“Uhhhh, could I BE any less fearful?”

“General!” Mindless Drone #52 exhaustedly doubles-over before Toh-Me! “It’s too much! There are too many!”

“Nonsense, Drone! We’re slaughtering them en masse! Their numbers will soon dwindle!”

“You don’t understand, sir! No matter how many we kill, they…”

“They won’t stop doing bits!”

---

A Kieranian fires a heat-seeking missile across the battlefield!

The missile loudly beeps as it rapidly approaches Postal-Worker Clown!

It closes in!

But Postal Worker Clown catches the rocket in midair… He inspects it…

“INSUFFICIENT POSTAGE!” He stamps it ‘RETURN TO SENDER’!

The rocket turns 180 degrees and speeds toward the Kieranians!

EXPLOSION!

---

Another Kieranian drives a tank across the battlefield!

The tank rolls forward… until it sees Construction Worker Clowns are building a playground in front of the tank!

A Construction Worker Clown  blows a whistle, holding a sign that says Detour!

The tank turns in the direction of the Detour…

…Going straight off a cliff.

…

It hangs in mid-air. The driver peeks his head out… And looks down.

…And the tank plummets!

---

The Kieranians plan an all-out attack using their secret weapon “THE KINGMAKER”.

A clown somehow slips in unaware and looks at the whiteboard, rubs out the “M” and writes in a “B”.

“RELEASE THE KINGMAKER” Toh-Me Guh-un orders!

As the terrifying mech crashes into clown soil, its gatling guns aiming down on clown forces, it suddenly dons a giant chef hat, its gun flipping into a pan and spatula before singing gibberish Italian and preparing the dough like-a momma used to make-a!

---

The Kieranians sprint back to their pods, in full-on retreat!

From aboard Y4-1301, Guh-un bellows orders!

“They’re just clowns, you cowards! As the Emperor’s Herald, I order you t-“

““Harold?”

Guh-hun spins around. Uber-Driver Clown is holding a brown bag.

“I got an order for Harold!”

“Get this clown off my sh-“

Suddenly, Guh-hun’s stomach emits a comedically loud growl.

“…Fine.” He snatches the bag. “What sustenance is th-“

WHAM! A fist knocks-out Guh-hun!

“Knuckle sandwich.”

---

The Kieranians warships engage their thrusters, exiting Clown City’s Orbit.

CUT TO: Enigmatic Clown, swirling a wine glass by an oval-shaped Clown City globe.

“Our invaders brought space guns and space blades to a joke-off. From that moment, they were doomed. Undone by the stupidest, dumbest creatures that God Clown created: Clowns."

"The Kieranians thought themselves invincible with their superior firepower and defenses. In the end, their weakness was their fear of appearing weak. Of looking stupid.”

“And no one looks more stupid than the assholes taking a bunch of fucking clowns seriously."

Looooooong wine-sip.

“I’m Enigmatic Clown. And I did this for community service after I robbed a bank in my pajamas…”

“What that bank was doing in my pajamas? Remains an enigma.”

Enigmatic Clown’s ankle monitor honks.