MEANWHILE AT THE #VILAROFIT EXERCISE EQUIPMENT FACTORY IN RACOON CITY
Clowns are working on the assembly line, screwing tops onto jars of #VILAROFIT protein powder.
Clown Clown, the clown who is the most traditionally clown-like of all the clowns, (and is also the mild-mannered clown alter-ego of Television Clown, True Clown-lievers!)...
Clown Clown twists the top onto a jar, but ends up twisting the plastic jar lid into a giraffe, like a balloon animal.
”Ugh, drat.” He groans, before tossing the useless animal-shaped lid onto a pile of similarly goofed lids, all shaped like balloon animals.
”CLOWN CLOWN!” Shouts Hard-Nosed Manager Clown, the clown who is a very demanding manager and also has a nose with the hardness of an uncut diamond. ”How many times do I have to tell ya! Screw the lid on like a LID!”
”Sorry!” Clown Clown takes out a balloon from his pocket. ”Here, do you like dinosaurs?”
”You KNOW that I do.” HNM Clown retrieves from under his clown-y wifebeater a locket, which he opens to show him at a wedding to a Masiakasaurus in a bridal gown.
The picture of the Masiakasaurus screeches, before shrugging. ”It’s a marriage.”
Clown Clown twists the balloon… molds the balloon… massages the balloon with the gentle touch of a Spanish lover and the technique of a Belarusian sanitation worker…
And he creates!
…A perfectly shaped lid for a jar.
”Dagnabbit… I was going for a pterodactyl.”
”CLOWN CLOWN! QUIT CLOWNING AROUND!” HNM Clown squeezes his index finger and thumb tightly together. ”You are THIS close to getting fired!”
Clown Clown gasps! ”No!”
”Out of a cannon!”
”...Oh.”
”And we’ll shoot you out of a cannon into the UNEMPLOYMENT LINE!”
”NO!”
”Which is a line drawn in the ground made out of the abstract concept of unemployment.”
”...How do you draw a line made out of an abstract concept?”
”Very carefully. And while you’re in that very metaphysical line, we will OPEN YOUR POSITION TO OTHER POTENTIAL APPLICANTS!”
”NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please, HNM Clown!” Clown Clown pleads, falling on his knees!
When Clown Clown falls to his knees, his knees honk.
”I’ve gotta keep this job working for #VilaroFit, a shady fitness-based organization!”
Clown Clown and HNM Clown both turn toward the camera as lights flash to a message hanging over their heads.
Submitted for your Shady Organization bonus point consideration
The lights stop flashing and they turn back to each other like nothing happened.
”I’ve got a wife and kids to feed!”
”I didn’t know you were married, Clown Clown.”
”I’m not! They’re not my wife and kids! I don’t know how they got in my home, but they just demand RAW MEAT!”
Clown Clown reaches for his own locket around his own neck, and opens it, revealing…
The same Masiakasaurus in a bridal gown, also flanked by three half clown, half dinosaur children.
They are fucking nightmares to look at.
”Callback!” says the picture.
”In the time you’ve done this bit, you could have created SEVENTY-SEVEN LIDS! QUIT CLOWNING AROUND!”
“I’m doing my best, HNM Clown!” Clown Clown reasons! ”It’s just… we’re clowns! I don’t have any experience working on a factory floor! My entire career is built around doing clowny things!”
”That’s a regressive stereotype! And Miss Vilaro made us all watch a video about those! And it WASN’T FUNNY!” Hard-Nosed Manager Clown taps his foot impatiently.
Every time he taps his foot, it honks.
”Just because we’re clowns, doesn’t mean we’re not serious workers! Now, get back to work!”
Hard-Nosed Manager Clown turns around with a huff, his nose accidentally knocking into Knocked Unconscious Clown.
Knocked Unconscious Clown’s skull explodes on impact.
Hard-Nosed Manager Clown is coated in blood.
”OH FUCK! OH CLOWN JESUS!” screams Clown Clown in horror.
Clown Jesus looks up from the breakroom, taking one earbud out, which is playing the Monster Mash. ”Yo?”
”GUYS!” Sudden-Interruption-Back-To-What-Can-Loosely-Be-Referred-To-As-A-Plot Clown storms in. ”Guys! Quick!”
”Not now, SIBTWCLBRTAAP Clown!” Huffs Hard-Nosed Manager Clown, as he walks over to the slop sink and hoses off the blood from his scientifically impossibly hard nose.
He is unfazed to the point that he must inadvertently run into and kill other clowns constantly.
”I was just in the middle of explaining to Clown Clown that we are perfectly capable of running a functioning factory floor as clowns!”
”That’s just it! You know how Miss Vilaro wanted her #VILAROFIT protein powder to re-awaken muscles of those who have let their physiques die?
”Yes! Miss Vilaro wanted her product to turn couch potatoes into gym potato au gratin.”
Clown Clown scratches his bald white-painted scalp. ”Yeah, I’m still not clear on what gym potato au gratin means?”
”NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS, BUT IT’S PROVOCATIVE!”
”W-w-well, I gave Miss Vilaro’s instructions to the scientist clowns, but they accidentally read the instructions as REAWAKEN THE LIVING DEAD!!!”
Suddenly, a fucking horde of clown zombies
Clown Clown puts his hands on his cheeks like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.
”OH JEEZ! THAT’S A LOT OF COMPETITION FOR THIS JOB”
”THAT’S RIGHT!” Says Commercial Voice Actor Clown. ”Those wacky clowns at VilaroFit ACCIDENTALLY created a formula that rejuvenates muscle SO WELL, IT CAN BRING THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE!”
Cut to a fat guy eating a carton of rocky road ice cream on his couch.
”This is a VilaroFit customer BEFORE being infected with the V Virus!”
Starwipe.
The fat guy is now convulsing, the carton of ice cream coats his face as he writhes in agony and death.
”This is the same guy AFTER having a massive heart attack and DYING!”
He stops convulsing and dies, his cold metal spoon clatters metallically against the floor.
Starwipe.
The fat corpse is now a fucking RIPPED AS FUCK zombie.
His skin is green, but he is built like a goddamned marble statue of David.
Not Leonardo Da Vinci’s David.
David, the guy who fucked your mom before she met your dad and she still thinks about.
Anyway, David is very muscular.
And he’s not your Dad.
And if your mom were more attractive to David, you probably wouldn’t exist.
Sorry you had to find that out by watching this protein powder commercial.
”THAT’S RIGHT, EXTENDED ASIDE CLOWN!” Commercial Voice Actor Clown announces! ”Now, the dead are alive and they are BEACH BODY READY!”
Smash Cut to a horde of zombies in swim trunks and bikinis on the beach.
The Ghost of Chubby Checker is singing a sound-alike of The Twist.
(He lost the rights to the song when he died).
That’s right, honey
Let's perform The Turn
It's legally distinct
From the dance I was known for in life
Take me by my little hand
And don’t sue me, World Media Group!
”Jesus Christ, this doesn’t even fucking rhyme. This is some terribly written lyrics!”
…Commercial Voice Actor Clown strokes his chin.
”Mmm, can we get a bonus point for that?”
Commercial Voice Actor Clown snaps his fingers.
WHAM! Dictionary Clown drops a massive fucking dictionary in the soundbooth with CVA Clown.
Dialogue - noun - a conversation or exchange of ideas between two or more people
”Hmm!” Commercial Voice Actor Clown strokes his chin thoughtfully. ”Well… Chubby Checker’s ghost is exchanging ideas about his dance craze The Turn with the crowd of zombies… And it is terribly written!”
Writer Clown, the Clown that Writes this Reality, nods knowingly from his couch a thousand universes away.
”I think that puts us in Bonus Point City!”
”Which is a Bonus Point Planet!”
Submitted for your Terribly Written Dialogue bonus point consideration
The zombies are dancing on the beach…
When suddenly, a legion of preppy high school children, also in trunks and bikinis, walk up on the beach.
”Hey! Just because you zombies are super ripped doesn’t mean you own the beach!” Barks Tad Thaddington III, heir to the Thaddington Shrimp-That-Feel-Pain-While-You-Eat-Them fortune. He adjusts the chest of his bikini.
I bet you thought the men among the high schoolers were the ones wearing trunks.
Well, Racoon City is a strange village/town
Submitted for your Strange Village/Town bonus point consideration
”We challenge you zombies to a surf contest for the beach! An-”
”GRRRRRRAAAAAAAGH!” One of the zombies bites down on Tad’s skull!
”Ahhhhhh!” Tad screams as his skull is gnawed into blood, his brains spattering down the side of his skull! ”D-do you know who my father is?!?” Are his last words.
What a weird manchild.
Submitted for your Weird Child bonus point consideration
The zombies start to devour the teens, who in turn are turned into zombies…
And those zombies are then given the V Virus!
And become super fucking RIPPED ZOMBIES!
”JOIN THE V VIRUS MOVEMENT! KILL YOURSELF TODAY!”
…Commercial Voice Actor Clown double-takes at the script.
”Am I… is that really the slogan for the…”
…
”No, yeah, I fuckin’ guess, it’s just…”
…
”No, fuck you! You can’t get another voice actor to read this! I’M COMMERCIAL VOICE ACTOR CLOWN!”
Click.
On-screen, the slogan ‘KILL YOURSELF TODAY’ is flashing on-screen as Commercial Voice Actor Clown is in the midst of defending his position as a voice actor.
…Sitting in a black velour chair in a pinstripe, perfectly-tailored pantssuit…
Is the Queen of VilaroFit herself!
Marisol Vilaro!
A famous fitness product merchant!
Submitted for your Merchant bonus point consideration
She is surrounded by her marketing team…
Which are clowns.
Because she fired all of her employees and replaced them with clowns.
The Marketing Clowns sweat nervously as she stares with her constantly furious expression at the screen.
WHAM! She swats her protein shake bottle to the ground furiously.
”What the FUCK are you clowns thinking with this advertisement?!?”
”...Ah!” Lead Marketing Clown bows profusely. ”We are so sorry, Miss Vilaro!”
”What are you apologizing for?” Commands Marisol, as she sits back in her chair, staring daggers at Lead Marketing Clown. ”Mari does not accept apologies that are given without knowing the correct reason!”
…
Lead Marketing Clown looks back at his associates, Marketing Associate Clown and Business School Graduate Clown.
They both shrug.
…
”I’m sorry… that you didn’t like the commercial!”
”FOOLS! WHY DON’T I LIKE THE COMMERCIAL?”
…Marketing Associate Clown meekly raises his hand.
”Uh… Is it because the slogan for the product is ‘Kill Yourself Today’?”
”NO.”
Business School Graduate Clown scratches his scalp.
”...Uh… because our zombie actors actually killed all those teen actors?”
”NO.”
…Suggestion Clown is now more curious.
”Um… Is it because Chubby Checker is actually still alive? Because we can explain that!” Suggestion Clown nods, pleased. ”See, we KILLED him! For the bit!”
”I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SEÑOR CHUBBY CHECKER.”
…
Idea Clowns One Through Nine huddle up and compare notes….
After a few moments of fierce debate and discussion, Idea Clown #1 steps forward.
”We believe we have the answer. You’re angry because… the commercial is effectively confessing that the VilaroFit Empire is the sole cause of the zombie outbreak which is actively going on outside, as we speak.”
Submitted for your Outbreak bonus point consideration
The camera pans to just outside this boardroom, where zombies are roaming the streets.
They are so fucking ripped, yo.
Genuinely, they look exactly like David.
Sorry, I know I keep bringing up the man who is the reason your mom is unhappy.
Anyway.
”That’s why you’re angry, correct?”
”NO, YOU BLITHERING IMBECILES! IT WAS THE VERY FIRST LINE OF THE GODDAMNED COMMERCIAL, YOU PASAYOS TONTOS!”
Vilaro rewinds the commercial back to the beginning…
Quote:”THAT’S RIGHT!” Says Commercial Voice Actor Clown. ”Those wacky clowns at VilaroFit ACCIDENTALLY created a formula that rejuvenates muscle SO WELL, IT CAN BRING THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE!”
”ACCIDENTALLY?!?” Vilaro throws the remote so hard, it wedges itself completely into the screen.
”MARI IS A GODDESS! MARI IS A DIVINE BEING! DOES A DIVINE BEING ERR? NEVER! THEREFORE, NEITHER DOES MARI.”
…
The Idea Clowns huddle back up.
…
They break up from the huddle.
”...So…” Idea Clown #1 starts…
Before looking confused.
…They signal to all the clowns on the factory floor.
All the Clowns gather into a massive, chaotic huddle.
Mari’s foot taps impatiently.
Her foot does not honk when she taps it.
But if you’re mentally picturing this scene, this huddle comprises every clown that’s ever been referenced thus far.
And there is so much ambient fucking honking right now.
The Clowns finally break out of the huddle.
Idea Clown #1 steps forward.
”...Okay… so… you want us to say that… this was intentional?”
”MARI WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!”
”THAT’S RIGHT!” Says Commercial Voice Actor Clown. ”Those wacky clowns at VilaroFit INTENTIONALLY AND FOR THE DELIBERATE PURPOSE OF ACHIEVING EXACTLY THE EFFECT THAT RESULTED…”
A television in a window display in Racoon City displays the updated #VilaroFit commercial, which takes complete credit for the Ripped Zombie Apocalypse!
A bunch of zombies are shuffling about.
One zombie shuffles a deck of playing cards.
Another shuffles a deck of Magic the Gathering cards.
Two Clowns peek out from behind a corner.
”That was close! We were almost clown sandwiches!”
The camera pans out.
One clown is in a Halloween costume, dressed like a clown-sized Hot Dog, his entire body wrapped in a bun.
The other is dressed like a clown-sized taco.
”You know, there’s a fair argument that we’re both currently clown sandwiches.”
”HERETIC!” Sandwich Purist Clown kicks Open-To-Liberal-Definitions-of-Sandwich Clown into a crowd of zombies! They immediately begin devouring his hard corn tortilla shell!
Some of the zombies turn toward Sandwich Purist Clown!
He tries to run away!
RESIDENT EVIL STYLE QUICK TIME EVENT!
Rapidly press
Code:
Ctrl + W
to escape the zombie horde!
Code:
Cmd + W
on Mac!
…
……
If you fell for that, you lost one life.
Submitted for your Chase Scene bonus point consideration
Sandwich Purist Clown baseball slides into a courtyard!
As he gets there, the door locks behind him!
”Phew, I should be safe here…” mutters Sandwich Purist Clown.
Above him is a sign hanging in the room, labelled ‘BOSS FIGHT ROOM.’
”AY DIOS MIO!” The gargantuan beast says very spanishly, as he lumbers forward toward Sandwich Purist Clown!
”Where the Hell did this guy come from?!?”
”I’ll answer that!” Announces Doctor Exposition Clown, who emerges from behind a pillar in the Boss Fight Room. ”My doctorate is in summarizing backstories… You see, that poor creature was a dead guy who was infected with the V Virus! But, the V Virus is actually so good and rejuvenating dead muscle, that the muscle never actually stops growing! It lengthens spines! It expands musculature beyond that which a living human body is capable of! And it makes penises smaller! It’s the perfect compound!”
”...Sorry, what was that last thing you said?”
”That it’s the perfect compound?”
”Before that.”
”That it expands musculature beyond that which a living human body is capable of?”
”Between that sentence and the earlier sentence.”
”Oh, you mean, about the pen-”
KERUUUUUUUSH! EL GIGANTE CRUSHES Doctor Exposition Clown’s skull between his thighs…
Submitted for your Thighs bonus point consideration
”Wait, that wasn’t what the bonus point was for! It was for fight with a massive enemy!” Complains Pedant Clown.
Submitted for your Fight with Massive Thighs bonus point consideration
”...Close enough.”
”HOLY SHIT!”
WHAM! The door kicks open!
And who should emerge…
BUT MOTHERFUCKING TELEVISION CLOWN!
”I told you I’d be back!”
”I have no idea who you are!”
”I was talking to the cameras.”
”...What?”
”Never mind. Point being, I’m going to kill the fuck out of that big asshole.”
”Hooray!”
”Right after I talk about trash.”
”...What?”
Oh what? Y’all thought that punk bitch, Kristoffer Arroyo, would finish me off?
Just because he literally murdered me in that ring?
Puh-leez.
One swig of Vilaro protein smoothie and I’m as right as three left turns.
Well, I’ve always said I could talk about trash.
And what do I see before me? Four heaping helpings of trash they call wrestlers!
Hey Judd! Thanks for the backup at Warfare.
I doubt you wanna be pals going forward, probably more of an “enemy of my enemy” thing, right?
I mean, you had a shot to take this from Samael Dyson of all people. And didn’t.
And you had a shot to get to the Relentless Main Event to earn vengeance against Samael Dyson…
And didn’t.
Making Arroyo look stupid is pretty much the closest thing you have to ‘an accomplishment’ so far in the XWF.
And before you bring up the X-Treme title around your waist…
Let’s remember that Tommy Wish held that belt five times, so it probably smells like shame and ladies’ foot powder.
People like to hide out with that belt ducking challenges.
My belt DEMANDS blood.
My belt DEMANDS entertainment!
I can’t take a week off, and I ain’t starting now, Juddy baby!
Charlie Nickles!
Not the first time you’re going to get clowned on, huh?
At least before you had the excuse of the Director hanging around your neck like the weight keeping Latina Submission Machina’s corpse submerged at the bottom of the ocean.
Too soon? I mean, can’t be, LSM’s still fresh enough that you keep reheating her remains to try to reinvigorate your dead career.
Oh boo hoo hooooooo, my daughter died (because I killed her)
and my sister died (because my tag partner killed her)
and my wife left me and my kids hate me (because they know me)
and PEOPLE KEEP HANDING ME UNIVERSAL TITLE SHOTS.
I’d say Charlie is failing upwards.
But failing upwards implies that he’s moving up.
He’s failing flat.
Like Jennie Nickles’ heart monitor in whatever hospital is keeping her braindead corpse.
I mean, it was either this or Gavin Newsome’s District Attorney was going to put her back in prison for a lethal injection.
Which I think is what Micheal Graves calls his penis.
Hey Michael!
Boy, you’re riding high, huh?
Two-time Universal champion! Nice!
After years of being a punchline, or being a freak sideshow that couldn’t rub two wins together on Anarchy… You’ve climbed all the way to being the Top Guy of the whole XWF enchilada!
Man.
It would be a real shame if some asshole clown showed up and just…
Clowned all over you, huh?
That’s the thing about us, Clowns, Mikey!
We win when it’s funny.
That’s what happened to Garisha!
And Kristoffer Arroyo was so determined to beat me to death, he accidentally killed his career.
And then there was you!
You were once a real goofy boy, Micheal!
Putting exploding collars on children’s necks!
Funny stuff!
But now you’re so serious!
Let’s see if we can’t smack you upside the head enough times to find that depraved streak you used to have.
That’s what my title is about, Mike.
PERSONALITY.
And right now, you’re looking like you sold your personality to the devil in exchange for dodging Scoops.
Oh yeah, Mikey, we’re talking about it.
Let’s face it. The one monkey you still haven’t gotten off your back is Scoops McGee.
He’s the reason you don’t have a King of the XWF crown on your head.
You basically got those two Uni titles runs off beating Samael Dyson.
Who, I mean, yeah, scary guy when he tells you not to come to school tomorrow.
But in the ring? Fucking E-Z, GG, you feel me?
I mean, throw in SEB who was already mentally planning his vacation rubbing tanning oil on Thad Duke’s slender shoulders in Tahiti, and you basically got a gift-wrapped Uni title at Relentless, huh?
Speaking of SEB!
Heeeeeeey, Johnny Bacchus!
Of course, SEB walks out and you roll right back in!
Literally waited until the “THANK YOU SEB” chants stopped before quietly submitting your ‘okay, now that the guy who had eternal bragging rights over my ass is gone, I’d like to come back and nuke the roster please.’
Just to warn you, tho, Backy, somewhere out there, Isaiah King still has a briefcase.
You know Zay. That guy you told didn’t belong in the story you and SEB were crafting.
Who knocked you both on your ass and walked out the champ.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’m a fucking clown.
I’d love to wreck all four of your precious little narratives…
I’d love to turn all of your little redemption arcs into the fucking laugh riot I see them as.
But, Bacchus?
Man.
Imagine waiting all that time for Johnny Bacchus to make his return.
Only to get schooled by the Valedictorian of Clown College.
Television Clown is standing over the re-deadified corpse of El Gigante!
Referee Clown is watching back the instant reply.
”It’s going to be a close call.” Murmurs John Madden Clown. ”Remind us, what does Television Clown need for the bonus point, Pat?”
”BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!” Groans Zombie Pat Sumerall.
”Exactly right, Pat! He needs brains to thread this needle for that last bonus point! He needs three cheesy one liners to earn that last bonus point! This will put him on track for his ninth bonus point!”
”I’m pretty sure it’s only three bonus points total, he just covered all the different ways you can possibly get bonus points, which almost certainly was to his own detriment.”
”Hey.”
…
”Shut up.”
John Madden Clown adjusts his headset, which honks as he adjusts it.
”He’s gonna need to have delivered THREE cheesy one-liners to get the last point…”
The referee is watching back the footage of the fight…
Quote:Television Clown does a sick backflip over the charging Gigante!
”You may be a monster, but I’ll chew through you like MUENSTER!”
The referee raises his hand for one.
Quote:El Gigante grabs a tree trunk and swings it at Television Clown!
Quick! Press Alt + F4 to dodge!
…
If you closed the window and came back, don’t finish this story. You got a Game Over.
If you didn’t, proceed…
Television Clown fires his gun, blasting several holes through El Gigante, who appears unfazed!
Television Clown winks at the camera through the holes in El Gigante!
”You may not be neutral, but you’re looking real Swiss!”
The referee raises his hand for two.
”I don’t think by cheesy, they mean that the one-liners needed to reference cheese…”
BANG. John Madden Clown shoots Pedant Clown.
Quote:El Gigante, with the last of his energy charges Television Clown!
But Television Clown extends his big clown shoe and trips El Gigante!
And he winds up in a hilariously large crate addressed to Mexico!
”See you in Monterrey, Jack!”
WHISTLE!
The referee raises his hands!
Three cheesy one-liners!
Presented for your Cheesy One-Liner Bonus Point Consideration
Television Clown dusts his hands as the big sealed crate with El Gigante in it, rumbles behind him.
”Looks like I saved you! Any longer and you would have ended up a clown sandw-”
BANG! Sandwich Pedant Clown shoots Television Clown.
”BLASPHEMER!”
Sandwich Pedant Clown adjust his hot dog bun costume and walks off furiously.
…
Television Clown coughs up blood on the floor.
…
He hears footsteps.
”H-hey! Is someone there? Do you have an herb or something? I just got shot…”
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