A marvelously decorated, perfectly built Tuscan Villa sits in the northern foothills of La Sistema Ibérico de Payaso.

However, as picturesque as the home’s exterior is…

Tumult!

Turbulent, tumultuous turmoil, tantamount to toneless ‘tastrophe!

”¿Por qué, mi hermana?” La Payasa de Fuerza flexes her biceps with tears of betrayal streaming down past her sunglasses-covered eyes. ”¿Por qué te acostarías con mi prometido?”

La Payasa Loca sneers insidiously with a mad look in her eye! ”Porque, mi dulce hermana… yo estoy LOCA! JAJAJAJAJAJAJA!”

She cackles with fiendish glee as her very strong clown sister weeps flexingly.

“Nuestra familia está rota!” El Payaso de Razor, the clown that always carries a razor, buries his face in his hands, accidentally shaving his cheek as he shudders… ”Gracias a Dios que lucha libre tiene más de una familia real.”

”¡Espere un minuto!” Murmurs El Payaso de Doctor de Thugónomicos, stroking his chin. ”¿Estámos todos en la familia misma? Sólo dos de nosotros tiene el nombre final mismo… Y dos de nosotros tiene un diferente nombre final enteramente!”

”And I speak English!” Adds Landerson Clown!

La Payasa de Fuerza summons the strength (not physical, but emotional) to take a step forward toward her betrothed at the edge of the room (or cuarto)… ”Mi amor… ¿cómo? ¿Cómo pudiste traicionarme así? ¿Y con mi hermana loca?!”

”Listen to me! My name is HANK PETERSON! I’m not Normal Man Clown! I’m not from this planet at all! I asked the Clown Police to take me to Earth and… I think they thought it would be funny to bring me here! I don’t know what any of you are saying! I only took two years of spanish back in middle school!”

“¿Qué dijo?”

”No sé. Yo sólo hablo español y mandarín.”

Normal Man Clown squeezes his temples despondently in his hands, before pointing at Landerson Clown! ”Y-you! YOU said you speak English! Can you help me?”

…Landerson Clown blinks one eye at a time, mouth agape, a trail of drool dripping off his bottom lip….

”...Hello?”

”Landerson Clown!”

”Mi amor…” La Payasa de Fuerza takes another step forward, until she’s big red round nose to normal-shaped, fleshy nose with Normal Man Clown… Her gloved hands brush affectionately against his, searching to rekindle the connection they once shared. ”Por favor… Dime la verdad.”

She takes off her sunglasses… her eyes are wet, cheeks tear-stained… but her pupils are wide, accepting and full of hope…

There are also two black circles around her eyes from the gag sunglasses.

”Haaaaaa, classic.” Says Loves-the-Classics Clown in a tone that would indicate he appreciates this classic.

”Nosotros no podemos hablar el mismo idioma, pero nosotros compartimos un alma…”

Normal Man Clown staggers backwards to retreat but his back hits the wall!

La Payasa de Fuerza reaches out and squeezes Normal Man Clown’s hands, accepting every part of him.

Her hands squeak as they squeeze.

His do not.

He looks her deeply in the eyes…

”...Um… c’mon, Hank… uh…” Normal Man Clown stammers…

…

”Uh… ¿Dónde está la biblioteca?”

…Suddenly, it’s so quiet in the room (or cuarto) you could hear a pin drop…

”Él sabe sobre de nuestra operación en la biblioteca! Él sabe sobre nuestra revolución! Nuestra esquema a robar todos los títulos de los payasos!”


”Él no puede salir de este lugar…” Razor Clown retrieves his razor from his pocket, wielding it like a switch blade.
”No con vida.”

El Payaso de Razor, La Payasa Loca, El Payaso de Doctor de Thugónomicos all advance, surrounding Normal Man Clown and La Payasa de Fuerza… there’s no room (or cuarto) to run!

”Um…” Normal Man Clown stammers, terrified… ”Yo necesito comprar un camisa por el verano!”

His words do nothing to halt their advance!

”¡¿CUÁNTO CUESTA?!”

And that concludes the exciting season finale of Normal Man Clown

“Ugh… I hate cliffhangers.” Moans Hates-Cliffhangers Clown.

“Still better than that shitty action movie where Sylvester Stallone plays a mountain ranger!” Chides Hates-Cliffhanger Clown.

Coming Up Next… THE CLOWN ACTION ONE, ACTION FUN NEWS TEAM!

”With Anchorman Clown!”

A wizened clown with a set of spectacles and a barely noticeable, but not UN-noticeable combover smiles at the news desk, straightening his notes.

”A bit of bad news tonight: A man died somewhere for some reason.”

…

”Is… is that the whole story?”

Anchorman Clown turns his notes over… Nothing on the back.

”Yep. This is bad news. Someone should get fired over this.”

”Retired-Athlete Clown on sports!”

A sturdy-looking clown, broad shoulders, with a slight gut from years out of the game and a shoulder that still looks like it’d hit like a family-sized sedan bobbles a football between his hands.

”Tonight, the Jazz Clowns absolutely decimated the Magic Clowns, 93-84!”

”Quite a game, eh, Retired-Athlete Clown?!”

”...Game? No, I’m covering the ongoing clown war between jazz enthusiast clowns and magic-using clowns. 93 casualties on one side, 84 on the other.!”

”The EYE IN THE SKY on traffic!”

There’s a giant eye in the sky.

…

No, I want to be very clear.

It’s not a clown. There’s a giant hyper-realistic eye in the sky of Clown City.

(which is a planet).

It never blinks.

It witnesses all.

Your temptations.

Your sins.

And the likelihood of traffic congestion on your Monday morning commute.

Nothing escapes the Eye in the Sky.

…

”Chopper Dave Clown on real-time traffic updates!”



Chopper Dave Clown is not in a helicopter, but instead dressed in a snow-white karate gi in the studio, standing in front of a stack of boards.

”Any updates, Chopper Dave Clown?”

In one fell swoop, he chops the boards in half.

”Nope.”

…

”And last, but not least…”

…

……

Anchorman Clown looks up from his news desk.

”Meteorologist Clown, that’s your cue.”

…

The Weather green screen is completely unoccupied.

…

”Has anyone seen Meteorologist Clown?”

I HAVE.

I HAVE WITNESSED HIM COUNTLESS TIMES.

FROM THE DAY OF HIS BIRTH, I HATH WITNESSED I-.

”Has anybody BESIDES All-Seeing Eye seen Meteorologist Clown today?”

Anchorman Clown rotates toward the sports desk.

”What about you, Retired-Athlete Clown? Did you see him?”

”Was he in sports highlights? Or the ongoing war between Jazz clowns and Magic clowns? Cuz if not? I didn’t see him.”

Anchorman Clown turns upward to the ceiling.

”Well, what about you, Bodyless Narrator Clown? Did you see him?”

”Well, as a bodyless narrator, I don’t have eyes, but I perceived he seemed a little tired so he took a nap just before the broadcast.”

”That lazybones clown! Where was he napping?”

”Oh, in the middle of Chopper Dave Clown’s stack of….”

…

”Boards….”

Anchorman Clown’s eyes widen as he looks toward Chopper Dave who is doing very standard karate class kicks around the set…

The stack of boards he chopped in half…

Polkadot and rainbow liquid is seeping from it…

”OH GOD CLOWN!”

HOLY SHIT, EVEN I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!

…Anchorman Clown holds up his notes.

”Wait… IS THIS THE NEWS I WAS COVERING? WHY WOULD YOU WRITE IT LIKE THAT?!?!”

---

LATER THAT DAY

”Send in the next Applicant Clown.”

Anchorman Clown rubs the bags under his eyes, which honk as he rubs them…

An eager young Applicant Clown enters the room…

”Take a seat.”

The Applicant Clown walks toward the chair and picks it up.

”Excellent.” Anchorman Clown jots down in his notepad. ”How are you at following directions?”

”I followed North for a few months once, we were in a… very passionate, very physical relationship… but, we started arguing then it filed a restraining order.”

”And then what happened?”

”From there, things went south.”

Anchorman Clown jots down more notes.

”Strengths?”

Applicant Clown waves his hand politely. ”None for me, thanks.”

Anchorman Clown shrugs before taking a plate of strengths and putting them aside.

”Weaknesses?”

”Weakness is pain leaving the body.”

”...Wait, I think that’s the other way around.”

”Ah, you’re right, of course. Body is weakness leaving the pain..”

”That’s correct. And, separately, what are your weaknesses?”

”Sometimes, pain leaves my body and gets on other people.”

Anchorman Clown strokes his chin, before looking to his left. ”What do you think, Nods-Approvingly Clown?”

Nods-Approvingly Clown nods approvingly.

Anchorman Clown purses his lips, impressed, before looking to his right. ”And what about you, Shakes-Head-Skeptically Clown?”

Shakes-Head-Skeptically Clown is in a full neck-brace. He eyes from Anchorman Clown to Applicant Clown, before exhaling…

Applicant Clown looks hopefully between the three clowns… ”Is that good?”

”Here, read this.” Anchorman Clown hands him a page.

Applicant Clown takes the page and eyes it carefully.

”Um… wait. I can’t read this. The page is blank.”

Anchorman Clown’s eyes squint (as his eyebrows furrow, they honk). ”That page isn’t blank! Gimme that!”

Anchorman Clown rips the page out of Applicant Clown’s hand and holds it up to his face…



”Ah. Excellent.” Anchorman makes a few more notes. ”What would you do with a million dollars?”

”Is that the salary for this job?”

”Haha… ahhhh….”

…

”HAHAHAHAHAHA.”

…

”No. No, it is not.”

”Oh.”

”And could you tell about a recent position you were in?”

”Sure. Recently, I was in this position…”

Applicant Clown stands, placing his hands on the side of an imaginary thing in front of him, gripping tightly, thrusting forward wildly, his hands his tongue dangling out of his mouth…

Anchorman Clown’s eyes narrow in surprise. ”Mmm. And why did you leave that position?”

”I ran out of quarters and there were other people in line for the pinball machine.”

Anchorman Clown lets out a sigh of relief. ”Oh, of course… you were in that position because you were…”

”Having sex with the pinball machine.”

”Of course.” Anchorman straightens his notes. ”Well, I guess that’s it. Do you have any questions for me?”

”Oh, yes, um… can I see the notes you’ve written there?”

”Ah, yes, of course.”

Anchorman Clown hands over his notes to Applicant Clown. Applicant Clown quickly scratches out the notes and writes ‘HIRE HIM’.

He hands the notes back. Anchorman Clown checks his notes.

”Hmm. Well, according to my notes, I should hire you..”

Applicant Clown’s eyes widen with hope…

”There’s just one final test before you can be Meteorologist Clown.”

“Can you cover… THE BIG ONE?”

”...The Big One?”

”A monstrous cold front from the north is about to collide with a sweltering warm front from the south.”

Anchorman Clown holds up a golf ball.

”See this golf ball?”

”We’re talking rain, sleet, snow, hail the size of golf balls…”

Anchorman Clown tosses away the golf ball…

“Golf balls the size of miniature schnauzers, miniature schnauzers the size of teacup pigs, and a teacup pig the size of a scale model of Clown Texas.”

”A teacup pig the size of Clown Texas?!?”

”A scale model of Clown Texas.”

”Oh. Okay, how big is the scale?”

”Actual size.”

Applicant Clown’s tie spins in shock!

”My Clown God! That’s an extinction level event! And you want me… report on it?”

”No. The Storm is Coming. I want you to COVER it.”

”...I’m confused.”

”Meteorologist Clown was the single lynchpin keeping Clown City from collapsing due to weather-related disaster! He would keep at bay the thousands of natural extinction level events that would destroy all of Clown City on an almost hourly basis.”
”...But… but how? How would stave off The Storm?”

”By breaking its storm’s self-esteem.”

---

And now for a hearty session of TALK by the TRASH

The newly-titled Meteorologist Clown stands in front of a green-screen of…



”Now for today’s forecast! Today, we’re looking at a 100% chance of The Storm getting her bitch ass taken to Clown Poundtown!”

”(which is a moon that orbits the planet of Clown City)!”

Meteorologist Clown wields a little pointer he uses to gesture toward The Storm’s rippling biceps.

”Now, observable patterns would indicate that The Storm is likely to pick us up several times over the course of the day… however, knowing The Storm, she’ll likely keep repeating the same event over and over, because learning a second move is beyond her mental capacity. Pokémon can learn four moves *and* say their own name, The Storm knows two and if you try to teach her the XWF backstage interviewer team aren’t all named ‘Steve Sayors’, her head will actually explode.”



Pictured above, according to Latoya Hixx: Steve Sayors, Steve Sayors, Steve Sayors, Steve Sayors, Steve Sayors

Meteorologist Clown draws an arrow across The Storm’s face.

”Now, tomorrow, get ready for a sweeping RIGHT HAND across the Storm’s stupid face, followed by…”

Meteorologist Clown draws multiple arrows down across her scalp.

”A wig snatch that’ll leave that fake bitch scratching her bare-ass scalp, wondering why the Hell she ever came up with the bright idea of coming after belts owned by the Clowns.”



”All in all, The Storm tomorrow is looking a lot less like a storm at all and a lot more like a puddle. Get ready for a light drizzle and a nice rainbow, which will be perfect given that it’s Pride Month on Earth and someone should give Latoya Hixx’s mother something to proud of cuz it sure as shit ain’t her middling-ass, disappointing-ass daughter.”

“ZERO percent chance of a title in her XWF career.”

“ZERO percent chance of ever having an accomplishment to her name.”

“ZERO percent chance of winning our match tomorrow.”

“Get ready, Storm. Cuz I’m gonna rain fists down on you, before hitting you with…”

Meteorologist Clown raises his left fist.

”Thunder.”

Then, the right fist.

”And lightning.”