“I can’t bargain with death so let me put all my hopes on time…”


++Time. Her own words haunted her. She was restless as the night wore on. Tossing and turning in the kingsized bed she shared with Eoin. Outside the torrential spring rain pounded against the windows of their Boston Brownstone apartment. Lightning cracked across the sky seemingly in tune with the storm that was brewing in her heart. Again the words echoed, striking her soul like an exposed nerve. Again she turned and tossed, quietly murmuring to herself. As a loud thunder boom cut through the night, again the words assaulted her mind. With another twist and writhe, she flailed her arm, cracking it across Eoin’s chest. He sat up slowly, getting a sense of what just hit him. He looked over to see her in a fit, fighting a losing battle. As wakefulness started to adjust his senses, he got up. Keeping his eye on her, he quietly walked to a dresser and pulled out the drawer, removing a medical kit and returning to the bedside, keen to keep watch++

Eoin: Just in case…

++He set the kit aside and lightly rubbed her exposed leg, hoping to give some sense of calm. She started to murmur in her sleep. The same words striking now like a bell. Loud, thundering, repeatedly. Her brain ached from the abuse. Eoin put a hand on the medical kit seemingly prepared for the worst. He nudged her, trying to wake her up to no avail. Her head whipped violently from side to side, her face tortured and wincing from an internal pain. Another loud thunder roll boomed as lightning flashed violently in the darkness. The rain pelted against the windows like stones. Again he tried to coax her awake, again to no avail. The storm outside was ramping up. She was covered in a cold sweat from anxiety and distress. He knew it was coming. He could see the episode taking full shape and form from the bedside. She was deep in a mental maze. Another lightning strike split the room in half but it came with a scream. Her scream. She sat up straight, gripping the sheets, and bellowing out into the darkness. He quickly put both strong hands on her shoulders, coaching her++

Eoin: Lass calm down. I’m here mo grah. Talk to me. Tell me what you need.

Elizabeth: Can’t bargain with death…time. I only have time.

Eoin: Lizzy me girl, come down from orbit. Feel my hands. Come back to the present.

++He squeezed tighter. Shaking her gently++

Elizabeth: Gotta out run time…

++Lightning cracked closeby and she snapped out of it. Gasping and locking eyes with Eoin++

Elizabeth: What the fuck…

Eoin: You were having a fit girl. You were tossing so violently you basically chopped my chest. Been up since with the medical kit just in case you went into an episode. Do you need something to calm you down? I can pack you a bowl if you feel like some spicy lettuce will help. Just tell me what you need.

++She released her grip on the sheets and sat back against the headboard, bringing her knees up and tucking them against her chest, wrapping her arms around them++

Elizabeth: My penjamin is on the side table, it’s strong enough if you would be as so kind to hand it to me.

Eoin: Of course love. Here…

++He reached over, grabbed it and gently handed it to her, cracking a half smile. She took a big hit and rested her head back as she felt him rubbing her leg, comforting her++

Eoin: Do you want to talk about it?

Elizabeth: Am I selfish? Do you, as my husband and lover, think that I’m selfish?

Eoin: In what context?.

Elizabeth: With my career. Am I selfish about my career? About Annika? You? Us?

++She took another hit and wiped away tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes++

Eoin: Ah. I see now. You and I have had that talk numerous times, love. While I myself selfishly want you to hang it up so you and I can enjoy our relationship and make memories, I get it. I understand where you are coming from. I understand why you aren’t ready. As for Annika..

Elizabeth: I know she had her say and she supports my decision completely. She, herself, is selfish in wanting me to stay around long enough to work with me. It’s been her dream since she was 12, when she fully understood the line of work her father and I were in. I don’t want to take that away from her. I just have this overwhelming feeling of guilt.

She’s going to be there for Anarchy. She’s excited. I’m excited she’s going to be there, but I’m nervous. This is a whole new playing field. I’m coming in off what was supposed to be a one off, but was asked to stick around. I don’t know fuck all about 95% of the playing field, including Oz. I’m at a disadvantage coming in but he is at a disadvantage about me. The whole situation gives me an endorphin rush. I want to impress. I want to come up the hard way just one more time before the final bell tolls. I hate this. I hate being taunted by my own mortal reality. It terrorizes me from a distance.

As awful as it feels, deep in my heart I know I have one more run. Between the doctors, the therapies, the medicines I was given enough tenacity to do it one more time. I just wish I didn’t feel so shitty.

I just have to keep three steps ahead of time. Time is all I have.