RE:HEARSAL - Printable Version +- X-treme Wrestling Federation (https://xwf1999.com) +-- Forum: Warfare Boards (https://xwf1999.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=6) +--- Forum: Warfare RP Board (https://xwf1999.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=12) +--- Thread: RE:HEARSAL (/showthread.php?tid=50616)

RE:HEARSAL - The Dark Warrior Michael Graves - 10-29-2026 The Graves Boneyard!  Home of the legendary Dark Warrior!  Two-time Universal Champion! Hall of Legends inductee!  And one of the biggest assholes to ever grace God's green earth! And hiding in his garbage can? WHAT THE FUCK!? That's right folks! ANOTHER Michael Graves!  As if one wasn't bad enough!? Anyway, our hero has been sitting in this garbage can for THREE FUCKING HOURS! Three hours of breathing in rotten food, used cat litter, and something that smells like somebody took a shit on a week-old dead animal! And WHY is he doing this? Well, that's none of your fucking business! Just know that he's got a damn good reason! Probably! See, our Graves has been studying the other Graves for a while now. Learning everything there is to know about the man. So far he's learned that the man likes to say fuck, enjoys threatening people, and might be the dumbest son of a bitch alive! Good stuff! BZZZZZZZZZZT! OH SHIT! SOMEBODY'S HERE! Our hero quickly presses his face against the garbage can to get a better look, getting a little cat shit on his nose in the process! But that's okay! He's a professional! Some delivery asshole is standing at the door. "Package for Micheal Graves?" "I ain't order nothin'..." Our Graves pulls out his little notebook as Graves shakes the package. (Doesn't trust mailman. Says ain't. Remember to say ain't.) The REAL Graves takes the package and goes back inside. Well, that was exciting! Our hero decides it's time to get the hell out of this garbage can since his fucking legs fell asleep! CRAAAAAAAAASH! DOWN GOES THE GARBAGE CAN! "OH FUCK!" Our hero lays there in a pile of trash, scared shitless that the REAL Graves is gonna come outside and beat the piss out of him! But he doesn't! HA! STUPID ASSHOLE DIDN'T EVEN HEAR IT! Our Graves crawls out of the garbage, picks something disgusting out of his hair, and sneaks over to the window. And what's the REAL Graves doing? FIGHTING WITH A FUCKING VCR! "EAT IT!" HAHAHAHA! WHAT A DUMBASS! Our Graves writes that down too. (Talks to machines. Possibly insane.) Then some asshole appears on the television, and next thing you know, Graves is screaming about somebody slitting his fucking throat! WHAT THE HELL!? Then Graves disappears into the kitchen. And comes back with a FUCKING BUTCHER KNIFE! HOLY SHIT! Our hero ducks down! What kinda sick fucking maniac keeps knives in his kitchen!? Oh. Right. Anyway! He's beginning to think this whole thing might be a bad idea! Especially since he's been sitting in cat shit for three hours and something is now crawling around inside his underwear! But does he quit!? HELL NO! Because he's MICHAEL FUCKING GRAVES! Well, not really. BUT CLOSE ENOUGH! And if the real Micheal Graves can survive twenty years of getting his ass kicked by every asshole in the wrestling business, then surely our hero can survive a little garbage and a fucking rash! Although... His balls ARE starting to burn. Like REALLY fucking burn. Maybe he should see a doctor? NAH! FUCK THAT! GRAVES don't need no doctor! A FEW DAYS LATER... And where is he now? IN A FUCKING BODY BAG! That's right! A BODY BAG! In the trunk of the REAL Micheal Graves' car! Now you might be wondering how he got in there? WELL, HE FUCKING CLIMBED IN! HOW ELSE!? See, our hero figured the best way to follow the other Graves without getting caught was to hide somewhere nobody would think to look! And what better place than a body bag!? GENIUS! Or at least it WAS genius until the REAL Graves opened the trunk! THEN! "What the fuck?" OH SHIT! HE'S BEEN CAUGHT! Our hero holds his breath! "Huh... Don't remember puttin' that in there." And with that, the trunk SLAMS shut! Now! HAHA! WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! And remember that rash? WELL IT AIN'T GETTING ANY BETTER! His balls are itching! His back is killing him! And he's gotta piss like a fucking racehorse! Then the car hits a pothole! THUD! "OW! FUCK!" OH SHIT! SHUT UP! Luckily, the other Graves has the radio turned up so loud he probably couldn't hear a fucking bomb go off! Then our hero feels something coming up his throat. Oh no. OH FUCK NO! BLAAAAAAAAARGH! HE JUST PUKED INSIDE HIS OWN MASK! AND HE CAN'T GET THE FUCKING THING OFF! Now he's choking on his own puke, swimming in his own sweat, and wondering if maybe he should've just taken a different job! BUT WAIT! THE CAR IS STOPPING! The engine shuts off. A door slams. Footsteps crunch across some gravel. Our hero unzips his disgusting little sleeping bag and finds the emergency trunk release! CLICK! FREEDOM! He climbs out, nearly falls on his fucking face, and takes a look around. Trees everywhere! No streetlights! No people! And one BIG FUCKING HOUSE! Well, ain't that some fancy shit!? Our hero adjusts his puke-soaked mask and starts looking for a way inside. AFTER ALL, HE'S GOT A JOB TO DO! And apparently a bladder to empty. He's about two seconds away from pissing himself! And there's no fucking bathroom anywhere! So what's a man to do!? PISS ON THE HOUSE! HAHA! TAKE THAT, RICH PEOPLE! Our Graves finds a nice little spot beside the mansion and whips out his dick! AHHHHHHH! SWEET RELIEF! Except... What's that fucking noise? Something is MOVING in the bushes beside him! A rat!? A raccoon!? SOME KINDA FUCKING BEAR!? Our hero looks down just in time to see a big, disgusting, hairless THING crawling toward his exposed junk! It's got six legs! No eyes! And a mouth that looks like somebody's infected asshole! "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" HE'S STILL PISSING! AND NOW HE'S PISSING EVERYWHERE! On his boots! On the wall! ON THE FUCKING MONSTER! The thing SCREECHES and runs off into the bushes! "HA! THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER! NOBODY FUCKS WITH MICHAEL GRAVES!" Having successfully defeated whatever the fuck THAT was, our hero zips up and discovers an unlocked service door! Well, ain't that convenient!? Inside, there's a long, creepy hallway with some stairs, a bunch of old furniture, and a smell that makes the puke inside his mask seem almost pleasant! Almost! He can hear voices! IT'S THE OTHER GRAVES! Our hero sneaks down the hallway, pressing his ear against a wall to listen! Something about Charlie Nickles! Something about Raccoon City! BORING! Then something cold and slimy drops onto the back of his neck! WHAT THE FUCK!? He jumps! THUMP! HEAD FIRST INTO THE FUCKING WALL! OW! THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK! And wouldn't you know it, the REAL Graves heard that shit! "What was that?" OH FUCK! DON'T MOVE! Our hero freezes! Then something makes another noise! THUMP! But that one wasn't him! That one came from UPSTAIRS! And whatever made it sounds BIG! Our hero looks toward the staircase! Then back toward the wall! Down here he's gonna get caught by a man carrying a butcher knife! Upstairs? Probably just some asshole moving furniture! SO UPSTAIRS IT IS! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!? UPSTAIRS... So our hero makes his way up the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible! Which ain't easy when your boots are full of piss and your balls are on fucking FIRE! But whatever! He's MICHAEL GRAVES! And Michael Graves ain't afraid of shit! At the top of the stairs, our hero finds a long hallway! Lots of doors! Fancy carpet! Pictures of ugly rich people hanging on the walls! One of the pictures is actually MOVING! Wait... WHAT THE FUCK!? Oh, never mind! It's just a mirror! HAHAHAHA! STUPID ASS! Our hero continues down the hallway until he hears something coming from behind a door! THUMP! THUMP! SCRAAAAATCH! Hmm! Somebody's having a rough fucking night! Our hero puts his ear against the door! Something on the other side is breathing! REALLY FUCKING LOUD! Then there's a gurgling noise! Then somebody starts coughing! Then something that sounds like a man trying to shit out a fucking bowling ball! Well, ain't that disgusting!? Our hero decides to check on the poor bastard! After all, what would the REAL Micheal Graves do!? PROBABLY KICK THE FUCKING DOOR DOWN! So that's exactly what our hero does! He takes three steps back! Charges! BOOOOOOM! RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING DOOR! Which doesn't open! "OWWW! FUCK MY SHOULDER!" Turns out the door opens OUTWARD! WHO BUILT THIS FUCKING HOUSE!? Our hero grabs the handle and pulls! And there, standing in the middle of the room... IS THE UGLIEST MOTHERFUCKER HE'S EVER SEEN! And that's saying something! HE'S BEEN IN XWF LOCKER ROOMS! The thing is about eight feet tall! Its skin is all gray and slimy, and there's some kinda disgusting black shit pouring out of its mouth! Our hero stares at it. It stares back! Then its stomach SPLITS OPEN! AND THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING MOUTH INSIDE! WITH TEETH! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" OH COME ON! WHAT WOULD MICHEAL GRAVES DO!? Our hero remembers his training! He straightens up! Sticks out his chest! Points right at the monster! "LISTEN HERE YOU UGLY SON OF A BITCH! I'M MICHAEL FUCKING GRAVES! TWO-TIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION! AND I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!" YEAH! THAT'S THE SPIRIT! The monster opens its mouth! BLUUUUUUUUUUURGH! A GALLON OF BLACK SHIT COMES FLYING OUT! RIGHT IN OUR HERO'S FACE! "OH GOD! IT'S IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!" HAHAHAHA! FUCKING GROSS! But our hero isn't finished! He grabs the nearest chair! TIME FOR SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED HARDCORE WRESTLING! He swings! AND OUR HERO SMASHES THE CHAIR INTO HIS OWN FUCKING KNEE! "SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!" DOWN GOES GRAVES! The monster grabs him by the throat and lifts him off the ground! OH SHIT! Our hero starts kicking! Punching! SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL! And then... HE REMEMBERS ANOTHER ONE OF GRAVES' MOVES! THE POISON MIST! Our hero sucks up all that disgusting shit that's been collecting inside his mask since the car ride! AND SPITS! PFFFFFFFFFFFFT! RIGHT INTO THE INSIDE OF HIS OWN FUCKING MASK! HAHAHAHAHAHA! THE STUPID FUCKER FORGOT ABOUT THE MASK! Now he's choking! The monster's choking him! EVERYBODY'S FUCKING CHOKING! In desperation, our hero grabs a big metal chain hanging from the ceiling! AND PULLS! KERRRRRRRRR-CRASH! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THE ENTIRE FUCKING CHANDELIER JUST FELL! RIGHT ON TOP OF THE MONSTER! Glass EVERYWHERE! Blood EVERYWHERE! Some kinda yellow shit squirting out of the monster's stomach! ITS FUCKING ARM JUST FELL OFF! AND IT'S STILL MOVING! "OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!" Our hero scrambles backward, slipping in monster juice and landing flat on his ass! But WAIT! The monster isn't getting up! IT'S TRAPPED! Our hero slowly gets to his feet! Then throws both arms into the air! "YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER! MICHAEL GRAVES WINS AGAIN!" HAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING BADASS! Our hero even puts his foot on the monster's chest for a victory pose! Well, where its chest USED to be! Then teeth bite into his ankle! OH SHIT! THE FUCKING THING IS STILL ALIVE! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" Our hero kicks himself free and LIMP-RUNS LIKE HELL! Down the hallway! Around the corner! INTO A FUCKING CLOSET! SLAM! He holds the door shut! Breathing hard! Shaking! Covered in blood, puke, piss, and some kinda monster shit! And wouldn't you know it... HE JUST SHIT HIS FUCKING PANTS! Well, ain't THAT just fucking wonderful!? But hey! HE WON THE FIGHT! Sort of! AND THAT'S ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS! Now, our hero is hiding in a closet, covered in more bodily fluids than a fucking porn studio! And his balls STILL ITCH! What a fucking night! But wait! What's he doing now!? HE'S TAKING OFF HIS MASK! OH SHIT! THE BIG REVEAL! And underneath that disgusting, puke-covered mask is none other than... CRISPIN FUCKING GLOVER!? YEAH! THAT CRISPIN GLOVER! FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE!? Well, remember that job we mentioned!? Turns out our hero has been cast to play Micheal Graves in the VINNIE LANE BIOPIC, starring Lane'l Pennyfarthing and Michael Graves! AND THIS ASSHOLE DECIDED TO GO METHOD! WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! Suddenly his phone starts ringing! IT'S HIS FUCKING AGENT! "Crispin! How's the research coming along?" "I believe I may have contracted several diseases." "Fantastic! Really getting into character, huh?" "Something attempted to consume me. I have also defecated in my trousers." "HAHA! That's commitment! The producers are gonna LOVE this!" "I no longer wish to participate in this picture." "Crispin, buddy! You're under contract!" "I fear I may die tonight." "That's the spirit! Talk tomorrow!" CLICK! WELL, FUCK! Our hero sits there staring at his phone! Then something SCREAMS outside the closet! OH SHIT! TIME TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Luckily there's a window! YES, in the closet! Don't look at me like that! I didn't design this mansion! Anyway, our hero opens it, climbs out, and drops straight into a fucking rosebush! "AAAAAAAAH! MY PENIS!" HAHAHAHA! FUCKING IDIOT! But at least he's outside! Now all he's gotta do is find a ride out of here! HOW HARD COULD THAT BE!? SOME TIME LATER... RACCOON CITY! Well, would ya look at that! OUR HERO MADE IT TO RACCOON CITY! How!? He stole a fucking truck! Found it parked behind the mansion with the keys still in it! HAHA! FINDERS KEEPERS, ASSHOLE! Unfortunately, Raccoon City ain't exactly the tourist destination he'd hoped for! Cars burning! Windows smashed! Dead bodies everywhere! And there's some asshole eating another asshole in the middle of the street! WHAT THE FUCK!? Our hero stops the truck and rolls down his window! "EXCUSE ME! WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST HOTEL IS?" The asshole looks up! HALF HIS FUCKING FACE IS MISSING! AND HE'S STILL CHEWING! "Oh dear God!" FUCK THE HOTEL! Our hero floors it! Unfortunately, there's a fucking roadblock ahead! GREAT! So he abandons the truck and start walking! Well, LIMPING! Remember that fucking ankle!? Anyway, after about ten minutes he spots something interesting! A LITTLE SHOP! And standing behind the counter is some creepy asshole wearing a trench coat! "WELCOME, STRANGER!" OH THANK GOD! A NORMAL PERSON! "I require transportation out of this dreadful city!" "WHAT'RE YA BUYIN'?" "A ticket home! Preferably first class!" "DON'T HAVE THAT!" Well, FUCK! The merchant shows him some guns, ammunition, a suspicious-looking green plant, and a map! A MAP! NOW WE'RE FUCKING TALKING! "How much for the map?" "FIFTY DOLLARS!" "FIFTY DOLLARS!? FOR A MAP!?" "STRANGER! THAT'S A MAP OF THE SERVICE TUNNELS THAT LEAD RIGHT OUT OF THE CITY!" HOLY SHIT! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDS! Our hero pays the asshole and takes his map! And what's that written across the bottom!? WEST SERVICE TUNNEL — EMERGENCY EXIT HAHA! TOO FUCKING EASY! All these other assholes running around fighting monsters and killing zombies, and our hero has already figured out how to WIN THE FUCKING MATCH! JUST LEAVE! GENIUS! He turns to thank the merchant when suddenly... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! SOMETHING JUST BLEW UP DOWN THE STREET! And there's something BIG walking through the smoke! REALLY FUCKING BIG! Then it speaks! "S.T.A.R.S..." Our hero looks at the merchant! "What the fuck's THAT?" "HEH HEH HEH! GOOD LUCK, STRANGER!" The merchant slams his shop window shut! WELL, THAT'S FUCKING RUDE! Our hero turns around! And comes face to face with... OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. S.T.A.R.S. ... AND ONE VERY UNLUCKY MOVIE STAR! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER! He's gotta be nine feet tall! Wearing some kinda leather garbage bag! And his face looks like somebody tried to make a fucking meatloaf out of roadkill! AND HE'S GOT A FUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER! A ROCKET LAUNCHER!? WHO THE FUCK GAVE THIS ASSHOLE A ROCKET LAUNCHER!? Our hero takes a step backward! The monster takes a step forward! "S.T.A.R.S..." OH! HE WANTS AN AUTOGRAPH! Well, why didn't he fucking say so!? "Yes! I'm a star! Crispin Glover! You may remember me from Back to the Future!" The monster's head jerks toward him! "S.T.A.R.S!" SEE!? HE KNOWS HIM! Our hero reaches out to shake his hand! AND THE FUCKER GRABS HIM BY THE HEAD! "OH DEAR GOD! PLEASE DON'T DAMAGE MY FACE! IT'S HOW I MAKE MY LIVING!" The monster lifts him off the ground! OH FUCK! NOT AGAIN! Our hero kicks the bastard right in the balls! Nothing! HE AIN'T GOT NONE! HAHA! WHAT A LOSER! Then Nemesis throws him through a fucking store window! KERRRRRRASH! DOWN GOES GRAVES! Right into a display of women's underwear! Well, this is embarrassing! Our hero staggers to his feet with a pair of panties hanging from his fucking head! Then he hears it! "S.T.A.R.S..." OH COME ON! Our hero looks through the broken window! THAT ASSHOLE IS AIMING THE ROCKET LAUNCHER! "I'M NOT EVEN A LEADING MAN! I'M A CHARACTER ACTOOOOOOOR!" KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM! THE FUCKING STORE EXPLODES! But our hero!? HE'S ALREADY GONE! HAHA! TOO SLOW, ASSHOLE! He's hauling ass down the street, limping like a motherfucker, when he spots a construction site! AND A PORTABLE TOILET! PERFECT HIDING PLACE! He jumps inside and slams the door! Except... SOMEBODY'S ALREADY IN THERE! A FUCKING ZOMBIE! SITTING ON THE SHITTER! WITH ITS PANTS AROUND ITS ANKLES! WHAT KINDA FUCKING APOCALYPSE IS THIS!? The zombie lunges! Our hero screams and kicks the door open! AND THERE'S NEMESIS! OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Nemesis raises his rocket launcher! Our hero DIVES! BOOOOOOOOOOM! THE ROCKET HITS THE FUCKING PORTA-POTTY! AND EXPLODES ABOUT FIFTY GALLONS OF HUMAN SHIT ALL OVER THE STREET! ALL OVER NEMESIS! BLUE WATER! TOILET PAPER! CORN! SO MUCH FUCKING CORN! Nemesis stands there dripping in shit! And our hero!? HE'S CRAWLING UNDER A PARKED CAR! HAHAHAHA! WHAT A FUCKING COWARD! But guess what!? HE'S STILL ALIVE! And that giant asshole is standing there looking like the world's ugliest fucking septic tank! Our hero pulls out his map! THE WEST SERVICE TUNNEL! IT'S ONLY TWO BLOCKS AWAY! All he's gotta do is get there before that gigantic shit-covered motherfucker finds him! EASY! Probably! THE BETTER MICHAEL GRAVES! So there he is! Our hero! Hiding underneath a fucking car! And you know what!? HE'S DOING PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! Sure, he's covered in shit! He's probably got rabies! And his balls look like a couple of infected Christmas ornaments! BUT HE'S ALIVE! Our hero pulls out his phone and starts recording! One last audition! One final chance to show Hollywood what a GREAT fucking Micheal Graves he is! "LISTEN HERE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! I'M MICHAEL GRAVES! AND I'M THE BADDEST SON OF A BITCH IN THE XWF!" OH YEAH! THAT'S THE SHIT! "YOU THINK I'M SCARED OF JUDD HOLLOW!? FUCK JUDD HOLLOW!" Easy there, buddy! "THAT ASSHOLE ESCAPED FROM SOME FUCKING ROOM! AND A CAGE! BIG FUCKING DEAL! I JUST ESCAPED FROM A MAN WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER!" HE'S GOT A POINT! Judd Hollow might be a big scary son of a bitch, but can HE survive being covered in fifty gallons of human shit!? Probably! BUT THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! "AND JOHNNY BACCHUS!? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NAME IS BACCHUS!? YOU SOUND LIKE A GUY WHO GOT FIRED FROM A WINE COMMERCIAL! I'M MICHAEL FUCKING GRAVES! I'VE GOT A REAL NAME! WELL, SOMEBODY ELSE'S REAL NAME! BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE FUCKING POINT!" HAHA! NOW THAT'S A FUCKING STRATEGY! "AND CHARLIE NICKLES! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS! I DON'T KNOW YOU! I DON'T WANNA KNOW YOU!" HAHAHAHA! BEAUTIFUL! "YOU ALL WANNA PROVE HOW TOUGH YOU ARE! YOU WANNA FIGHT MONSTERS! YOU WANNA FIGHT EACH OTHER! WELL, GO RIGHT AHEAD! I'LL BE AT HOME TAKING A FUCKING SHOWER!" Our hero finishes his little speech! FUCKING OSCAR-WORTHY! Except... WHY'S THE CAR MOVING!? Our hero looks toward the front bumper! TWO ENORMOUS FUCKING BOOTS! Then the car starts lifting off the ground! OH NO! OH FUCK NO! "S.T.A.R.S..." HE FUCKING FOUND HIM! NO TOUCHING! WELL, ISN'T THIS JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL!? Our hero is lying in the middle of the street, and some nine-foot-tall asshole is lifting a FUCKING CAR over his head! WITH HIM UNDER IT! "PLEASE! I'M AN ACTOR! I HAVE A FAMILY!" Do you, Crispin!? FUCK IF I KNOW! Anyway, Nemesis lifts the car high enough for our hero to crawl out! AND CRAWL HE DOES! LIKE A FUCKING COCKROACH! Nemesis throws the car! KAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOM! RIGHT THROUGH A FUCKING BUILDING! HAHA! MISSED HIM, ASSHOLE! Our hero takes off down the street! ONE BLOCK! TWO BLOCKS! AND THERE IT IS! WEST SERVICE TUNNEL HOLY SHIT! HE FOUND IT! Except there's a big fucking metal gate blocking the entrance! OF COURSE THERE IS! Our hero grabs the gate! SHAKES IT! KICKS IT! "OPEN, YOU MISERABLE FUCKING THING!" IT DOESN'T BUDGE! Then, from behind him... "S.T.A.R.S..." OH, FUCK OFF ALREADY! Nemesis comes lumbering around the corner with that GODDAMN ROCKET LAUNCHER! And that's when our hero gets an idea! A REALLY FUCKING STUPID IDEA! He stands in front of the gate! SPREADS HIS ARMS! "THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER! I'M MICHAEL GRAVES! COME AND FUCKING GET ME!" Nemesis raises the launcher! Our hero waits! AND WAITS! AND THEN REALIZES WHAT A FUCKING TERRIBLE IDEA THIS WAS! "OH JESUS CHRIST! I TAKE IT BACK!" WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! THE ROCKET FIRES! OUR HERO DIVES! KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING GATE! HOLY SHIT! IT WORKED! THE CRAZY BASTARD ACTUALLY DID IT! Our hero scrambles to his feet and runs straight for the tunnel! But Nemesis isn't finished! OH NO! The big asshole grabs him by the back of his pants! "NO! NO! NO! NO TOUCHING!" Our hero struggles! The pants stretch! AND THEN... RRRRRRRRRIP! HIS FUCKING PANTS COME OFF! HAHAHAHAHAHA! NEMESIS HAS HIS PANTS! AND OUR HERO IS RUNNING DOWN THE TUNNEL WITH HIS ASS HANGING OUT! BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK!? HE'S ALIVE! And for the first time tonight, our hero isn't wondering what the REAL Micheal Graves would do! BECAUSE FUCK THE REAL GRAVES! That asshole can do whatever the hell he wants! BUT OUR GRAVES!? HE'S BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM SHIT ALL FUCKING NIGHT! SCREAMING! CRYING! OCCASIONALLY SHITTING HIMSELF! AND LOOK WHERE IT'S GOTTEN HIM! While Judd Hollow, Johnny Bacchus, Charlie Nickles, and every other asshole in Raccoon City are getting ready to beat the living piss out of each other... OUR HERO HAS ALREADY FOUND THE FUCKING EXIT! AND HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WIN A SINGLE FUCKING WRESTLING MATCH TO DO IT! He looks ahead! There's daylight at the other end of the tunnel! FREEDOM! And wouldn't you know it, our hero's phone starts ringing again! IT'S HIS FUCKING AGENT! "Crispin! Great news! The producers loved your audition! They want to sign you for THREE MORE MOVIES!" Our hero stops dead in his tracks! "Three... more?" "YEAH! And they want you to keep doing whatever you're doing! You're absolutely NAILING this Micheal Graves character!" Our hero looks down at his bare ass! Then at the daylight ahead! "FUCK MICHEAL GRAVES! I'VE BEEN KICKED IN THE FUCKING HEAD! BEATEN HALF TO DEATH! FOUGHT A GODDAMN VAMPIRE! AND NOW I'VE GOT A NINE-FOOT MONSTER TRYING TO SHOVE A ROCKET UP MY ASS! ALL BECAUSE I HAD TO PLAY YOU! WELL, I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! BEFORE THIS IS OVER, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WISH I'D NEVER HEARD THE NAME MICHEAL GRAVES! I'M GONNA TAKE THE ONE THING YOU CAME HERE FOR!" Our hero turns back toward Raccoon City. "I'M STEALING YOUR FUCKING WIN!" HAHAHAHAHA! NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL GETTING INTO CHARACTER! THE END!