Shameless Self-promotion of the Edgecrusher - Printable Version +- X-treme Wrestling Federation (https://xwf1999.com) +-- Forum: Pay Per View Boards (https://xwf1999.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=125) +--- Forum: RED DEAD RELENTLESS 2026 Night 3 (https://xwf1999.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=240) +--- Thread: Shameless Self-promotion of the Edgecrusher (/showthread.php?tid=50487)

Shameless Self-promotion of the Edgecrusher - Jeffrye421 - 09-17-2026 The camera fades in on Main Event Edgecrusher sitting backward in a folding chair in the middle of an empty locker room. Black leather pants. No shirt, with a massive beer belly hanging comfortably over his waistband. Graying dreadlocks falling around his shoulders. A shaggy gray beard that looks like it hasn't encountered a comb since the Obama administration. The Main Event stares into the camera very seriously. Too seriously. MEEC: I'm worried about my good buddy, Solomon Kline. He pauses, having forgotten what he was saying again. MEEC: I've been thinking about him... a lot. Another pause. MEEC: Not like that. Main Event shifts uncomfortably in his seat. MEEC: I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. If that's your thing, then that's your thing. I'm just saying it's not "my" thing, but still totally cool with me. Love what you want. Man, woman, animal... well, not animal. Anyway... I like women. The Edgecrusher nods. MEEC: Big fan... He turns the chair around and sits normally. MEEC: Solomon needs help. He leans forward. MEEC: And I think I can help him. Somebody off camera audibly snorts. Main Event Edgecrusher looks deeply offended. MEEC: What? We faintly hear a voice from off camera respond, "Nothing." MEEC: Fuck you, I can help people! He turns back toward the camera. MEEC: See, me and Solomon have spent tons of time together lately. I've really gotten to know him... like super well. Again, not like that. A thoughtful pause from the Edgecrusher. MEEC: And that dude is fucked up. And I don't mean that as an insult. He scratches his beard. MEEC: Okay, normally when I tell somebody they're fucked up, it's an insult. But seriously, not this time. EC stands and begins pacing around the locker room. MEEC: Solomon's angry, violent, and he doesn't trust anybody. He seems like he's always seconds away from snapping on somebody and beating them with their own shoes. The Edgecrusher stops pacing back and forth and slowly looks toward the camera. MEEC: But I know the truth! He’s actually sad and alone, struggling to make sense of the world around him. Like a kid who showed up to the wrong birthday party and doesn’t know anybody there. The Edgecrusher sits back down and picks up a yellow legal pad from next to the chair. MEEC: I've been doing research. Lots and lots of research. Weeks and months of research. The camera briefly zooms in on the legal pad. At the top, written in black Sharpie: HOW TO FIX SOLOMON 1. Find what's wrong. 2. Fix it. 3. Beer? MEEC: I've got a three-step program. The Edgecrusher taps the first line. MEEC: Step one: Figure out what the fuck is wrong with Solomon. After scouring ancient tomes and forbidden texts like Chicken Soup for the Soul, Dr. Phil’s Life Strategies, and a 2003 issue of Cosmopolitan I found at the laundromat... I figured it all out. He taps the second. MEEC: Step two: Fix whatever Step One was. Also, no problem. He just needs a friend. A real pal. The kind of friend you tell all your secrets to. Someone you share every moment in life with, both good and bad. Someone who always has your back. Someone who’ll help you shoot and kill a man in Reno, then use a fake name and a stolen credit card to buy everything you need online to melt the body in a tub of acid. Guess what? That's me! He taps the third. MEEC: And then we celebrate! Sadly, I'm not gonna be able to get any beer on account of being banned from the liquor store. There was this one time Raj shorted me seventeen cents. It wasn't about the money. It was a matter of principle. Main Event Edgecrusher's expression darkens. MEEC: I haven't forgotten, Raj. He points threateningly at nobody in particular. MEEC: Seventeen fucking cents... He pauses, then shakes it off. MEEC: Anyway, this isn't about me. The Edgecrusher lowers the legal pad. MEEC: So instead, I'm gonna send my new best-est friend in the whole world something really special. He reaches down beside his chair and pulls out a book. It has a solid black cover with no title, artwork, or text of any kind. Main Event Edgecrusher beams with pride as he holds it up for the camera. MEEC: This is a very special advance reader copy of the first book in hit children's author E.C. Summers' MooseBumps series! He proudly waves the book around. MEEC: These things are gonna sell like hotcakes! The entire series is an XWF exclusive and they don't even start releasing until the first of October! This thing's gonna be worth a fucking fortune! And Solomon, you're gonna be the first person in the XWF to read it! The Edgecrusher grabs a large manila envelope from beside him and stuffs the book inside. He licks the flap, immediately wincing and sticking out his tongue. MEEC: Ouch! Fucking whore... A small cut has opened on his tongue. He finishes sealing the envelope leaving a few drops of blood smeared across it. MEEC: There we go. I'll get this right into the mail for ya. It'll be outta my hands and on your doorstep in four to six weeks! The Edgecrusher proudly holds up the bloodstained envelope. MEEC: You're welcome! Anyway, I gotta go and meet a man about an airplane ticket. I'll see ya later tonight, buddy.