Commercial of the Edgecrusher - Printable Version +- X-treme Wrestling Federation (https://xwf1999.com) +-- Forum: Pay Per View Boards (https://xwf1999.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=125) +--- Forum: RED DEAD RELENTLESS 2026 Night 1 (https://xwf1999.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=238) +--- Thread: Commercial of the Edgecrusher (/showthread.php?tid=50462)

Commercial of the Edgecrusher - Jeffrye421 - 09-13-2026 The scene opens on a sweeping shot of the desert outside New Austin, Texas. The all-new Ford F-150 comes barreling down a dusty back road. Main Event MC Edgecrusher is behind the wheel, wearing his regular "gangsta" attire, but this time a black cowboy hat sits atop his backwards baseball cap, which sits atop a dew rag, which sits atop his head. Main Event does his best cool-looking cowboy hat adjustment and looks into the camera. MEMC EC: Howdy, dawgs. He continues driving in silence for a few minutes. MEMC EC: You know, people ask me all the time... they ask me... "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?" But that's beside the point. The Edgecrusher reaches into the nearby cup holder and grabs a nice, cold Pepsi Zero Sugar. MEMC EC: But if they did ask me something other than that, and wanted to know what beverage I prefer while driving through Texas in a vehicle I don't own... Main Event MC Edgecrusher holds the can of soda up, label facing the wrong direction. He realizes his mistake and adjusts the can, causing the truck to swerve slightly. MEMC EC: Pepsi... He cracks open the can, causing the truck to swerve again, takes a massive gulp, and instantly spits it out all over the windshield. MEMC EC: Ahhh... this tastes like crap. What the hell is this? He looks closer at the can. MEMC EC: Zero Sugar? Who the hell wants to drink fucking sugarless Pepsi? Regular Pepsi is bad enough... He remembers why he's randomly driving around on back roads with some sweaty production guy shoving a camera in his face. MEMC EC: Pepsi, the choice of the next generation. He gives a half-hearted thumbs-up and wings the can of Pepsi Zero Sugar out the all-new Ford F-150's window. MEMC EC: And ya know what goes great with Pepsi Zero Sugar? The Edgecrusher reaches into the passenger seat of the all-new Ford F-150, causing more swerving, and pulls out a bag of Taco Bell. He looks into the bag. Its contents have been spilled from the back-and-forth jerking of the all-new Ford F-150. He pulls out a handful of random broken taco shells, beef, and various toppings. Sauce and grease drip down his arm and onto the upholstery of the all-new Ford F-150. MEMC EC: Well, technically there's a Crunchwrap somewhere in there. The Main Event shoves the glob of what Taco Bell calls food into his mouth and starts chewing. More of it spills down the front of his shirt and into his lap than makes it into his mouth. He smiles toward the camera and speaks, food spilling from his mouth. MEMC EC: Taco Bell... because tomorrow is Future You's problem! He tosses the bag of Taco Bell out of the all-new Ford F-150's window. The bag smacks a random hitchhiker directly in the face and explodes. Main Event MC Edgecrusher turns to look at the chaos, and the truck fishtails and takes out several road signs before he's able to straighten back out and regain control. The Edgecrusher looks back into the camera. MEMC EC: Good thing I've got Progressive Insurance... well... not really. I buy my car insurance from a guy out the back of a van behind the gas station. He looks back at the road. MEMC EC: But you could! Progressive Insurance! Because "My bad" isn't legally binding. Main Event nods approvingly like he just dropped the realest bit of knowledge ever on the world and keeps driving. MEMC EC: Speaking of terrible financial decisions, you know what? The Edgecrusher pulls out his phone, causing him to swerve and take out another road sign. MEMC EC: DraftKings! He glances at his screen like it's the first time he's ever seen the app, because it is indeed the first time he has ever seen the app. MEMC EC: You can bet on sports! Probably. He glances back at his screen and taps a few buttons. The truck swerves some more, and we hear some screams. MEMC EC: I just put forty dollars on myself to understand what a parlay is by the end of the commercial. He tosses his phone onto the grease-soaked passenger seat. MEMC EC: DraftKings... because fuck your kids' college tuition! Main Event MC Edgecrusher suddenly looks extremely concerned. He begins patting his pockets. This, of course, causes him to swerve again, taking out even more road signs. MEMC EC: Where the hell is my... there it is! The Edgecrusher holds up a share-sized Snickers bar. MEMC EC: You're not you when you're hungry. He pauses and thinks about it. MEMC EC: Which is actually terrifying when you really think about it. Who am I when I'm hungry? Another long pause. MEMC EC: Who is even driving this all-new Ford F-150? Is Main Event MC Edgecrusher merely the temporary manifestation of a sufficiently fed consciousness? He slowly unwraps the share-sized Snickers bar with his teeth. MEMC EC: Anyway... Snickers... were you ever really you to begin with? The Edgecrusher eats the entire bar in a single bite, the long way. MEMC EC: Sometimes you're really thirsty and... The Edgecrusher visibly struggles not to gag. MEMC EC: ...sometimes Pepsi Zero Sugar isn't enough. More swerving and screams from a cat as he reaches behind the seat and pulls out a bottle of Mountain Dew, carefully inspecting the label. MEMC EC: That's when you need a nice, refreshing Mountain Dew! At least this has sugar. He examines the bottle again. MEMC EC: Which raises an important question... what the actual fuck is Mountain Dew? Silence for several seconds as he places the bottle in his cup holder. MEMC EC: Scientists have tried to... The all-new Ford F-150 suddenly makes a very concerning noise. MEMC EC: What the fuck? A series of clunks, and we get a quick cut to the all-new Ford F-150 parked on the side of the road. The Edgecrusher has the hood open and is staring at the engine. MEMC EC: Yep... that's definitely an engine. He turns toward the camera and holds up an AutoZone Rewards card. MEMC EC: When your vehicle breaks down because you've been careening through the desert at ninety miles an hour while gambling and eating fast food... Get in the Zone! AutoZone! Main Event looks under the hood again. MEMC EC: I don't know what any of this shit does. Smash cut to the all-new Ford F-150 back on the road, the Edgecrusher back behind the wheel. MEMC EC: Fortunately, nothing was actually wrong. I was driving with the parking brake on the entire time. This is the all-new Ford F-150! He slaps the steering wheel, which causes the rearview mirror to fall off. MEMC EC: Anyway. Don't forget to tune into the XWF RELENTLESS PEPSI ZERO SUGAR PRESENTED BY TACO BELL, PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE, DRAFTKINGS, SNICKERS, MOUNTAIN DEW, AUTOZONE AND THE ALL-NEW FORD F-150 PRE-SHOW! The Edgecrusher takes a deep breath. MEMC EC: Free. On the Cooking Network. For some reason. Suddenly, a GPS voice interrupts Main Event MC Edgecrusher. GPS: Recalculating. The Edgecrusher looks toward his dashboard. MEMC EC: What? Not again... GPS: Make a U-turn in a quarter mile. He looks toward the camera. MEMC EC: Dawg, We been going the wrong way? Cameraman: For about forty minutes. MEMC EC: Why didn't you tell me? Cameraman: I did. Several times. MEMC EC: I thought you disapproved of my choices and path in life, dawg. Cameraman: Why the hell would I suddenly decide to judge your life in the middle of a commercial shoot? MEMC EC: Doesn't matter now. We gotta get back to New Austin! Main Event MC Edgecrusher violently turns the wheel, performing a U-turn. A car traveling in the opposite lane swerves to avoid hitting the all-new Ford F-150 and wraps itself around a telephone pole. We see Perry Pennyweather getting out of the wrecked vehicle as the Edgecrusher speeds away. MEMC EC: BUILT FORD TOUGH, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Cut to black, then back to your regularly scheduled programming of Debbie and Dave in "The Mystery of the Hole in the Bathroom Stall."