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+--- Thread: Episode 3: The Greatest Show (/showthread.php?tid=49995)
Episode 3: The Greatest Show - Safari Stu - 04-14-2026
“G'day mates!”
The smiling face of Safari Stu beams down the camera lens.
“Welcome to another episode of Safari Stu: Who The Heck Are You? Although, maybe a more fittin’ title for today's episode would be ‘WHERE the heck are you?’ Or ‘Where the heck HAVE you been?’
Well, since me last episode, I got a little feedback from the producers sayin’ somethin’ about stop throwin’ grenades around innocent civilians and killin’ people on camera?’ Now, with the way of the world today, I don't know too much about Catholic priests or actors being ‘innocent civilians’ but I can see the general point.
So, since this week on Anarchy, I get to hunt me one of them clowns that have been honkin’ about the joint, and since I can't kill no clowns today, I figured I'd do me second favourite thing in the world and that's learnin’ about what I'm fixin’ to hunt!”
The camera pans back to reveal a striped big top tent behind him.
“We're not here to fuck spiders, so c'mon, let's check it out!”
Later…
The circus is in full swing—and so are the trapeze artists!
Safari Stu hastily takes notes but has mostly been going on memory so far.
Features of clowns:
- White facepaint
- Red noses - blood close to the surface? Find out.
- Funny?
- Big shoes - what are they hiding in there? Big feet = big something else?
- Can fit lots into cars - bones or cartilage? Bring all the sharp weapons just in case. Applies to the previous wondering too
- What's the deal with all the creampies?
Suddenly a loud honk interrupts the proceedings. This is what Stu's been waiting for! He leans forward, studiously, in his chair.
Three clowns make their way out into the ring in the middle of the tent.
The most dramatic of the three bounds into the ring, with his large purple hat flopping about above his green overalls.
He stumbles, trips, and falls into some leftover netting from the trapeze getting himself all tangled up in the process.
Stu scribbles into his notepad.
- Clumsy Clown?
The other clowns, both dressed in variations of red and brown see this. One of them comes storming over and wags an exasperated finger in front of his trapped companion, as though they had been waging the same war for generations.
Stu scribbles again.
- Angry Clown?
The grouch appeals to the similarly coloured third clown for help.
Alas, he has inexplicably fallen asleep!
- Tired Clown?
Stu watches on as the clowns clown. As he does, he adds a few extra question marks to an earlier dot point.
- Funny???????
Inspired by their colour schemes, an epiphany hits!
Stu quickly edits his work!
- Clumsy Clown? Dopey Clown
- Angry Clown? Grumpy Clown
- Tired Clown? Sleepy Clown
“CRIKEY!”
Stu's disruptive exclamation draws the ire of Grumpy Clown who gives him a scolding honk, but our hero pays the face-painted crankypants no mind!
He adds one more line to his notepad and falls back into his seat in stunned silence.
- DISTANT RELATIVES OF DWARVES?!?!?!
Later still…
The sun has set and Safari Stu slinks through the shadows behind the big top that looms in the background.
“I've had a great idea!”
He whispers excitedly.
“You cobbers saw what I saw, right? These clowns are all named after their personality. Just like Snow White's Dwarves! So I reckon we might have a case of evolutionary divergence on our hands. Just like lions and tigers, or people who put shoppin’ carts back and those flamin’ mongrels who leave ‘em in the car park.
So, to test me theory, I went and pulled out me copy of ‘A Hunter's Guide to Dick Lichter's Family Tree’ and found out the best way to trap dwarves is to lure them in with a bit of gold. If I'm right, this will be super handy when I get to huntin’ on Anarchy. So let's see if it works!”
From out of the pocket on the breast of his khaki shirt, Safari Stu pulls out some small nuggets of what looks like real gold.
“I always keep some gold on me in memory of me dad who lost his life huntin’ a feral sugar mama a few years back.”
Stu lays the gold clumps along the path that wraps around the big top. In an area surrounded by crates, he makes a small pile underneath a large net trap he had somehow managed to sling up.
“And now we wait.”
He finds a hiding spot nearby. And he waits.
The dark of night is kind of peaceful.
A honk disturbs it.
It's quiet at first. Faint. But it grows louder as it approaches. Soon, the honk is joined by the squeaking of shoes.
And then… Dopey Clown round the corner picking up gold as he goes.
Dopey finds himself underneath the trap and Stu tugs on a rope! The trap falls, entangling Dopey yet again and this time without Grumpy Clown to admonish him!
Stu celebrates.
“Got him!”
He scribbles down another note.
- Weak against nets and rope
“Old mate never stood a chance! Let's get a closer look!”
As Stu slinks towards the captured clown, Dopey wriggles around so he can take off his hat. Desperately, the clown rummages about inside. He pushes aside the contents—a whoopee cushion, a giant bow-tie, a unicycle, and so on—until he finally finds what he was looking for.
A rubber chicken!
Stu creeps closer.
Dopey twists the chicken with a SQUEAK.
Stu inches closer again.
Another SQUEAK.
Just before Stu sets himself on the clown, one final twist of the rubber chicken's neck lets loose a low, ominous HONK and Dopey suddenly explodes into a mess of bubbles, balloons and confetti!
Safari Stu is left agape.
“The producers aren't going to like this…”
As he wipes himself clean, he makes one last note in his scrapbook.
- Won't be taken alive.